Page 2 | Return to school stressful any advice welcome

Lucy2586 · 2025-09-03T17:08:16+00:00

I have posted before about my DD being on the spectrum but not diagnosed as of yet. Was dreading return to school, luckily her uniform fit having not trying it on and yesterday went in no problem. This morning though total nightmare. took me and her dad an hour to coax her into going she was so anxious. She went I had to race through a bus lane got there with 1 minute to spare. How do you keep convincing them? It’s only the second day. She was ok when she came out but anxiety through the roof for what tomorrow may bring.

bumblebramble · 04/09/2025 16:16

It’s a really tough transition op, and it can take a couple of weeks to settle down, and realistically I wouldn’t be panicking too much until Christmas because it just takes time.

I found both of our schools were very helpful, and were quite well prepared for transition problems, and had strategies ready to go. It wasn’t enough at times, but the goodwill surprised me compared to my own school days.

I coached dd in being friendly, but not expecting everyone to be friends, which helped her get a handle on things. I’ve also coached her a bit on how girls socialise and interpret cues, ie the importance of a friendly hello every day because if you walk past someone, ignoring them, they may conclude you’re no longer friends. Boys, by and large, don’t require proof of friendship, but girls do, and just having the rules of the game spelled out can make a huge difference

There are some good resources for autistic teens but just have a flick through yourself first because some encourage masking to fit in which isn’t ideal.

I’ve been firm that no major decisions can be taken in the first two weeks, because every start back is a nightmare. My ds responds well to a rule like that. But it also helps me keep my anxiety in check because it’s a tough thing to navigate as a parent too.

Also, I let them know they can go in late, and home early but days off need to be pre planned. There’s enough scope in that to take the pressure off, and stop the school refusal being a power struggle between me and them. (But I’m not in the UK and the school have some flexibility to work with me on attendance so that might not be an option). Mine would often prefer to go in on time, than stand out by being late.

I’ve found that I need to strike a balance between sympathising and encouraging. I let them know it’s hard, but I that believe in them, that they can do it, and that figuring out what is needed is a three way collaboration between them, the school and myself.

Raisinsandweetabix · 04/09/2025 16:46

bumblebramble · 04/09/2025 16:16

It’s a really tough transition op, and it can take a couple of weeks to settle down, and realistically I wouldn’t be panicking too much until Christmas because it just takes time.

I found both of our schools were very helpful, and were quite well prepared for transition problems, and had strategies ready to go. It wasn’t enough at times, but the goodwill surprised me compared to my own school days.

I coached dd in being friendly, but not expecting everyone to be friends, which helped her get a handle on things. I’ve also coached her a bit on how girls socialise and interpret cues, ie the importance of a friendly hello every day because if you walk past someone, ignoring them, they may conclude you’re no longer friends. Boys, by and large, don’t require proof of friendship, but girls do, and just having the rules of the game spelled out can make a huge difference

There are some good resources for autistic teens but just have a flick through yourself first because some encourage masking to fit in which isn’t ideal.

I’ve been firm that no major decisions can be taken in the first two weeks, because every start back is a nightmare. My ds responds well to a rule like that. But it also helps me keep my anxiety in check because it’s a tough thing to navigate as a parent too.

Also, I let them know they can go in late, and home early but days off need to be pre planned. There’s enough scope in that to take the pressure off, and stop the school refusal being a power struggle between me and them. (But I’m not in the UK and the school have some flexibility to work with me on attendance so that might not be an option). Mine would often prefer to go in on time, than stand out by being late.

I’ve found that I need to strike a balance between sympathising and encouraging. I let them know it’s hard, but I that believe in them, that they can do it, and that figuring out what is needed is a three way collaboration between them, the school and myself.

Can I just say what an incredibly helpful, grounded and reassuring post this is. Thankyou (mum of an EBSA) x

Pearl69 · 04/09/2025 17:00

Speak or email the Year 7 Lead.

My Ds is a year 7 leader and spent all day with students who were struggling putting in place all sorts of provisions and working together on ideas to help them settle. And then spent all evening emailing parents. He ll probably do it all again for the next few weeks too.

Hopefully you have a good year 7 Lead who will be proactive and empathetic and champion your DD.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 19:20

Raisinsandweetabix · 04/09/2025 16:46

Can I just say what an incredibly helpful, grounded and reassuring post this is. Thankyou (mum of an EBSA) x

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Yea thank you. Very helpful

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 21:18

Pearl69 · 04/09/2025 17:00

Speak or email the Year 7 Lead.

My Ds is a year 7 leader and spent all day with students who were struggling putting in place all sorts of provisions and working together on ideas to help them settle. And then spent all evening emailing parents. He ll probably do it all again for the next few weeks too.

Hopefully you have a good year 7 Lead who will be proactive and empathetic and champion your DD.

Edited

I have emailed the school and they said they would send it to her head of year.

OP posts:

Talkingfrog · 04/09/2025 23:32

TheLivelyViper · 04/09/2025 14:03

I'm guessing she's on tranexamic acid? Does she feel better now or does she still have problems.

Hopefully CAHMS can be quickish and she can get some good counselling, maybe try and push for something like DBT over cbt. When is the meeting with HOY? I'd write a list of all the issues she's having in some detail and also what you think could help in school and the accommodations you want. Then you can discuss some of the accommodations and their ideas as well.

@Talkingfrog I actually a few weeks ago, saw some new research and essentially found that girls are excited for secondary unlike boys. But they have a massive dive in wellbeing from mid-laye Y7 and in KS3. It's partly because as some posters mentioned undiagnosed SEN, especially for BAME girls, they're less spotted as well as struggling.

Then they also start saying the misogyny from boys really skyrockets, and the feel shame, embarrassment, less smart and stupid, start saying that maths, science aren't girl subjects and the same for P.E. This behaviour happens during lessons and online and also more interrupting girls and talking more in lessons by filling up the space. It impacts their confidence and self-esteem and continues to reduce.

Then it's also periods and lack of education and openness on periods and menstrual health, they're told they are being over dramatic if they struggle with it during school. When we know periods bring headaches, diarrhoea or bowel issues, pain and cramps, tiredness and mood swings etc. They aren't supported through this and schools and teachers aren't empathetic about it and don't provide support. Those are the main issues specific to girls. The other things poverty, resource access, curriculum also has an impact but obviously not girl specific.

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@TheLivelyViper the research totally makes sense.
@Pearl69 I am sure your son made a big difference to a number of year 7s ( and their parents).

Jesswhi · 05/09/2025 19:53

Poppyseed14 · 03/09/2025 20:36

Is this the start of secondary school OP? My daughter was recently diagnosed with ASD and her struggles only started at secondary school. We had no clue beforehand. And sadly people who have never walked in your shoes judge you when you fail to get them into school. We don't try now for an hour as we know from experience that after about 10 minutes of encouragement nothing will improve. You need to remember it's "can't" not "won't". My daughter is on a reduced timetable which helps considerably. She changed schools as the previous school was awful. Her new school are much more geared up for SEN needs. If you're on Facebook there is a group called Not Fine in School which you might find useful. Sending a handhold as it's a rough road x

Great advice here. I know you’ve said you don’t have Facebook but Dr Naomi Fisher talks a lot about school avoidance and her advice has been really helpful to me. Do you have any family support if she can’t make it through the door of school as guessing she isn’t old enough to be left at home? Have you got an appointment with the SEND team and are they aware that she is awaiting assessment? If not I’d suggest you send an email to the sendco letting them know and that she is struggling as they should be making reasonable adjustments while she is waiting for assessment.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 05/09/2025 21:49

Jesswhi · 05/09/2025 19:53

Great advice here. I know you’ve said you don’t have Facebook but Dr Naomi Fisher talks a lot about school avoidance and her advice has been really helpful to me. Do you have any family support if she can’t make it through the door of school as guessing she isn’t old enough to be left at home? Have you got an appointment with the SEND team and are they aware that she is awaiting assessment? If not I’d suggest you send an email to the sendco letting them know and that she is struggling as they should be making reasonable adjustments while she is waiting for assessment.

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I am single parent but her Dad has really stepped up. I have my mother but she is 70 so I don’t like to burden her too much. I have referred for an assessment and I have made the school aware I have a meeting with her head of year on Monday. She has reconnected with her friend from primary school which seems to be helping. I will do everything I can to help her through this.

It is difficult to know what to do for the best but I am giving her a totally relaxing weekend to decompress and hopefully next week will go ok.
thank you all for your wonderful support

OP posts:

lkjhgfdsa · 05/09/2025 22:21

Email the SENCO at her school directly and explain everything. If they are any good they'll put some support in place for her straight away. She may need to come in slightly later to avoid the rush and/or go to a safe quiet space for a calm start to the day and/or have a trusted staff member meet her and escort her in. Or there may be something else theey can do to help. The SENCO is the one to speak to though with autism being involved.

Good luck. It's a tough thing to deal with so don't be hard on yourself.

TheLivelyViper · 05/09/2025 22:42

lkjhgfdsa · 05/09/2025 22:21

Email the SENCO at her school directly and explain everything. If they are any good they'll put some support in place for her straight away. She may need to come in slightly later to avoid the rush and/or go to a safe quiet space for a calm start to the day and/or have a trusted staff member meet her and escort her in. Or there may be something else theey can do to help. The SENCO is the one to speak to though with autism being involved.

Good luck. It's a tough thing to deal with so don't be hard on yourself.

Very useful advice. On the coming in later, she may not want to come in later and feel its drawing lots of attention (sometimes kids with SEN find this). So she could perhaps come earlier a bit but stay SEN staff, in a sensory room, and then go to a lesson at the start but p2 or p3 and miss the earlier ones. It could even just help so she has the school environment seen as more normal though routine.

Also getting them into school can sometimes be the main barrier, so if enjoys those areas and associates school more positively then she may be mess likely to refuse going completely even if she doesn't go to lessons when she's there.

FirstdatesFred · 06/09/2025 12:14

I'm sorry I've not read the whole thread
I am in a similar boat with one of my dd and have been for a while
One thing that jumped out at me - yes try and be on time, and obviously it's hard if you have work to go to, but I have stopped worrying about being late.

Sometimes we have to sit outside in the car for a bit until dd is calm enough to go in, I just accept she needs that time and will be late that day.

Take that pressure of yourself, you did amazing to get her in that first day.

ExtraOnions · 06/09/2025 12:35

Hi OP

Your not the only person, you will find there are lots of us who have been where you are … and come out the other side.

Let me point you towards this group https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

They are also on Facebook, it’s a really supportive community, who can help support you not just emotionally, practically ang legally.

My DD is 19 now, was diagnosed at 17, after 2/3 years with CAMHS etc. She missed nearly all of Y10 & Y11, with anxiety caused by being undiagnosed.

There are lots of things I wish I’d knew if I go back to the start … I should never had made school attendance a battle, I should never have forced her in, or tricked her. I should have realised that Education happens throughout life, GCSEs are just one thing, they are not the be all and end all.

It’s not your job to force your child to school, that’s the job of the Professionals, they need to provide the support, and the environment that your child needs to feel safe.

Don’t pull them out of school, school have a responsibility in this.. pulling them out puts it all on you.

Request an EHCP directly from the Council … you don’t need to wait for school to do this.

Find the space to listen to your child … for mine, she wanted the option to be able to leave & come home, without loads of people trying to persuade her to stay. She felt trapped, and worried about having a panic attack, which spiralled her.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 07/09/2025 10:50

TheLivelyViper · 05/09/2025 22:42

Very useful advice. On the coming in later, she may not want to come in later and feel its drawing lots of attention (sometimes kids with SEN find this). So she could perhaps come earlier a bit but stay SEN staff, in a sensory room, and then go to a lesson at the start but p2 or p3 and miss the earlier ones. It could even just help so she has the school environment seen as more normal though routine.

Also getting them into school can sometimes be the main barrier, so if enjoys those areas and associates school more positively then she may be mess likely to refuse going completely even if she doesn't go to lessons when she's there.

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Yes she is massively anxious about being late, maybe earlier would help.

OP posts: