My only dc never goes to playdates or sleepovers

[Twinkletwinklelittlestar97]

My only dc is 9 and has never been on a play date or sleepover. And I can't help feeling it's my fault! I have been unable to get to know other parents at school due to my working hours. I drop off in the morning and then its a rush to the job. Then either one of the grandma's will do pick up. One goes back to her home to play & the other goes back to her home to carry on with a bit more work as she wfh. However, both grandma's will take her to the park after school almost every day, where a lot of the children also go, and its here she gets to play with school friends outside of school. They also walk the dog, who she adores.
Outside of school she sees her similar aged cousins and also has sports twice a week.
She is a very happy and confident child, enjoys school and has a lot of friends at school. I can't help feeling she's missing out by not having play dates with school friends, say maybe at the weekend.
What do you think, is she missing out? Maybe it will sort itself out when they're old enough not to need parents to sort out their social life. I'm hoping so.

No sleepovers is fine. I don’t think they should be happening at such a young age however the play dates side of things is a bit sad.

Has your child never been invited to one?

Do you know who their close group of friends are?

It’s never too late to start making an effort.

Invite her closest 2 school friends for a sleepover at a weekend soon, once you do invites most will invite back.

I agree with the poster above, it doesn't matter about sleepovers really. The playdate thing is a shame. Unfortunately this is how it is nowadays....it's all about who the parents are friendly with rather than the kids. I will say your dds life sounds fine though, friends at school, sports outside of school and cousins to hang out with.

Does she have close friendships at school? Friends that she talks about? Maybe start with having them over at yours for play dates and sleepovers and take it from there?
I'm similar to you - job is very demanding and I'm usually not there for drop offs and pickups. So I started with inviting DCs' friends over for sleepovers and playdates and gradually over time they got the invites back.

Previously parents didn't need to manage their children's social lives as children used to go out themselves and meet up with friends outside of school from a young age. That doesn't happen anymore unless you're in secondary school, so I do think parents need to step in if friendships are not developing naturally.

Having said that, if your daughter isn't that bothered, then you don't need to stress too much a out it.

No sleepovers is fine.

No play dates is a bit sad although for us about half of our play dates are park meet ups anyway, so if you frame it that way, she has play dates at the park with her friends all the time? Just not specific friends, whoever is there perhaps.

Anyway. Can’t grandmas invite a friend back to theirs with DD? Each grandma could do one a month or something, so not too crazy. That’s 2 a month for DD, which is good.

You should definitely do the inviting though. I’m forever telling my kids you can’t just wait around to be invited - invite people to yours!

How many weekend playdates have you initiated?

I almost never did drop off or pick ups and I still invited children DS liked around for playdates, either at weekends, or on the occasional day I could finish early at work. We moved country a few years ago when he was eight, and I invited some classmates he liked over after school within a couple of weeks. The parents involved hardly knew me, but the kids had a good time, and I got to meet the parents properly when they picked up their children. I'm still good friends with them, and the children are now all at different secondaries.

We haven't done sleepovers or playdates. The kids see each other lots in school and I want to spend time with my children doing things at weekends/holidays.
To try and fit in playdates around various clubs is a nightmare - we did try arranging a playdate for my son but every day ended up being ruled out as either he or his friend had something on.

@DaisyChain505 never been invited to one either, which i find sad. I don't know how to start this as I do not know any of the parents or her friends. I know their names but not them. As I said I don't get the chance to make friends with school mums due to having to rush off after drop off and never being there for pickup. Playdates seem to originate in the first place because school mums get to know each other first.
Then when ive collected her from dgp its the usual rush of tea, homework etc.
They go to the park after school regularly and she just runs off to play with her friends, then there's sports twice a week and seeing her cousins. So shes not lonely by any means, its just the playmates thing that is on my mind. I could send a note through school to the parents of a friend, but who's going to say yes when they do not know us?

We don’t do weekend play dates as that is more of a bother than anything. We do one a week and that seems to be the norm for most of my 9yo class too.

my dc finishes school at 3:30 and then does a school club. It’s home and then homework, dinner etc. We usually do it on a Thursday/ Friday as that is what most of his class does.
I think it’s important to do these play dates as it does make the friendships more personal being at home.

My daughter is 8 and hasn't even, she's never been invited, as for sleepovers I wouldn't send her on one anyway

I also think at this age of forming more solid friendships, it’s important to do these play dates. I don’t think you working is really an excuse, because at our school lots of nannies facilitate this. If the grandparents are looking after the kids why can’t they do the play dates? At 9yo it’s so easy, the kids just do their own thing and just need to give them a snack/ dinner

Well, surely they know the grandmothers who do drop offs and pick ups, and who would be supervising an after-school playdate? DS had one friend whose parents I didn't meet for a long time, because his maternal grandmother did the school runs. He still came to ours after school.

Isn't there a class WhatsApp group? Get your mum or MIL to check with the other parents, when they're doing drop off, and get added. Then you have everyone's phone number, and can text to invite. Or ask one of the grannies to ask. Surely they know by sight the parents of your child's friends?

It's not that complicated!

Has she been invited to parties or invited others to hers? That’s often how I have had contact details of other parents due to RSVPs

No sleepovers is normal. It is helpful to try and get to know the parents of your child’s friends. I also work full time and I still know them - I might take the odd day off to see them after school, see them at birthday parties or at other events at the school. I have introduced myself in the mornings. There are a few parents who are never there but we have still be able to connect so that we can arrange a holiday club that the kids do together or something like that.

I can’t do a lot of play dates but about 4 times a year I organise big ones where I take a group of their friends bowling or to the cinema or something. I’ve 3 kids so that is quite a lot and the very most I can do.

Could you track down the parents in the morning and do the same.

Do you have a class WhatsApp group where you can contact one of her friend's parents? Once you have initial contact over the group, you can always send them a personal message to try and arrange a play date. When my DC were small, the only way I could manage to have a play date at ours was to take half a day off work - I know I've been very lucky to be able to do so. If that is something you're able to do then you could try that.

Alternatively, can one of the grandparents check with the parents at pickup?

Hasn't she been to any birthday parties? You don't have the contact number for any parents at all? It doesn't sound like she is missing out socially if she is playing with friends at the park after school. It's just when it starts getting colder and wetter, children are more likely to go home to play instead. The only way to initiate playdates is either a grandma invites someone over or you do. It may be easier for a grandma to do it, if you ask your daughter to ask her friend and her parent if it's ok then grandma can sort out the rest of the arrangements.

I find this is all very unusual and very very different to where I live. When my dds were in primary school there was play dates a few times a week plus what seemed like every weekend a party. Often by 9 that was a sleepover. I would just invite whoever dds wanted whether I knew the parent or not. Likewise they would be invited to others whether the parent knew me or not.
either times have changed enormously, or there is regional variation, or there is something else going on.

Thank you, there is a lot of food for thought here. I think i will have to involve the grandma who does not work to help. My dd has never moaned about not having a friend round as its something shes never got used to. Her cousin is a year older and at the same school so she sees her out of school. With the park and sports shes socialising quite a bit, but I do feel that socialising with her own friends is important too.

Well it sounds like she is happy which is the main thing

you’re right that playdates will tend to happen with families that you’re friendly with but at age 9, ask her who she’d like to have over and take it from there. She will very likely get reciprocal invites.

secondly at 9 is she old enough to “roam” and knock on friend’s doors? They do here from age 8ish but I appreciate it depends where you Iive.

thirdly where I am they all get phones in year 5/6- while I’m not entirely comfortable with this it does mean they start to organise their own social lives which is a good thing.

@arethereanyleftatall something else going on? Like what? Her school reports every year say shes a popular girl. She's very confident & outgoing, fits in easily at her sports too. It's my fault I've not initiated play dates, and its something I should start now they're getting older.

My parents never met other parents at the gates. I don’t either as people pick up at different times, some do school clubs, etc. My husband does all pick ups, and I drop off in a whirlwind in the morning. It’s usually the children who initiate it round here, not the parents. Ask if she wants to invite a few friends over. Does she get invited to parties?

I wasn’t being unkind. I don’t know what else is going on. I’m just saying I find it highly unusual. Many parents aren’t at school gates, and so invites are passed out via the child.

@Clearinguptheclutter im not happy with phones yet either, but will no doubt give in so shes not left out.
She does have a children's iPad, which I monitor closely. I hear her talking online to her friend or cousin as they're playing a game, so shes at least getting some communication, albeit online. But yes, she's a very happy & confidant child.

Is there no class WhatsApp group or similar for you to ask about parent contact details?
You start by asking your DD who she wants to invite for a play date. Then get her to point her out at pick up you or the GP doing the pick up and you ask the parent for contact details.

@arethereanyleftatall no, I didn't think you were being unkind. I couldn't think what else you could mean. I think, as ive never been proactive in initiating play dates as life is busy and she socialises anyway, it's never been an issue.
But now they're getting older maybe now is the time to be proactive with this.