Autism concern with Grandson

[FluentPearlCat]

We have had concerns about the possibility of our grandson having autism since he was around 6 months old. He's now nearly 3. We have suggested the possibility to the parents a few times now & have been shut down completely, the subject has been ignored.

We want to maintain a relationship with everyone concerned but feel if we suggest anything else, we'll be cut off.

It's been a long time since we've had toddlers in the house & we don't want to be the 'know it all' & out of touch Grandparents. We simply don't know what to do.

It's like Mum & Dad are blind to his obvious differences. They think his behaviour is funny. I think a lot of it is laziness on Mum's part, he is basically left to his own devices at home.

Why a health visitor hasn't picked up on this is beyond us. Are they as good as they used to be with regular visits or appointments?

He babbled briefly as a baby but it stopped. He spins, toe walks, vocally stims, although he's still non verbal. Doesn't know his numbers, colours or animal noises. He doesn't play with his toys.

If he wants something, he'll lead you by hand to show you. He can't follow simple instructions & doesn't answer to his name. He could walk into a room full of people & he wouldn't acknowledge any of them.

He runs backwards & forwards, climbs and opens/closes doors/windows repeatedly. He has no sense of danger and will elope in a heartbeat. He doesn't sleep through the night & is still in nappies.

He's at home with Mum every day & they don't go out! He doesn't engage with anyone other than close family members & at best, we will get some eye contact with him.

He's the sweetest little lad & it breaks our hearts to see him like this when Mum & Dad could be taking steps to helping him.

What do we do without causing chaos in the family?

where is your son in all this? You only criticize your DIL. How do you know they don’t go out, you presumably don’t get a daily download?

I highly doubt you could see signs of autism in a 6 month old baby.

They may be in the process of getting him assessed, but not told you. On the NHS, waiting lists can be many years. As long as they’re taking him to health checks, his lack of speech and other things will have been noted.

You really can see differences, including Autism, at this age; I did with my eldest.

what you describe can be signs of autism, but it’s not really your place to keep bringing these up. It is not going to help your relationship.
where is your son in all this? You seem very critical of your DIL.
when your GS goes to nursery any concerns, if they exist will be picked up.

It's not any of your business and you have no power to do anything, just enjoy the time you do spend with him, perhaps offer to have him and take him to groups on your own time.
If he is autistic then school may flag it up and then if the parents are open to it you can help support them from there.

What do you do? You back off mentioning it.

I appreciate your concerns come from a place of care, but you've done enough at this stage by mentioning it.

He's not your son and, if at this stage, his parents haven't voiced any concerns - or taken your concerns on board.

If he is showing early signs of Autism, these may be picked up once in an education setting and the parents may be more receptive to hearing this from professionals.

Labouring the point would be overstepping.

And, your manage to slip in jibes about the Mum's parenting, but don't mention the Dad?

Nothing.

there is nothing you can do.

one of my nephews was like this.
it transpired when he was older that the parents were fully aware but did not want him labelled.

if you do anything it will cause a massive row and a lot of upset. Been there.

I don't think you're unreasonable, but if you've already tried to suggest it gently and been shut down, I don't think it's a good idea for you to push further unless you want to fall out with them.

If it's as clear as you describe, school will likely raise it. There is nothing concrete "wrong" with their parenting, so attempting to raise an issue officially without parental support is going to achieve little, and burn bridges really, really, really fast.

You have mentioned your concerns to the parents and it wasn’t well received. At this point there’s nothing more that you can do, don’t mention it again and just enjoy whatever time you get to spend with your grandchild. With the presentation you describe this is going to be picked up as soon as he attends nursery or school. When that happens avoid the “ told you so” and be supportive.

I completely agree you need to be talking to your son. Why is youe dil at home all day? Can you offer to babysit more?

Your relationship with your grandson is in no way impacted by whether he has a diagnosis or not. It will not change who he is or who you are.

Your relationship with the parents however will be severely impacted if you keep pushing them to pursue a diagnosis. And that in turn will negatively impact your relationship with your Grandson.

Will your grandson go to preschool once he is 3 with his free hours? (assuming still works that way - it's been a while!). Once there he will start coming under the radar more, and the practitioners may discuss options with the parents if they feel it's appropriate.

If not, school will start soon enough and the teachers there will assist in any diagnosis if applicable.

I understand that watching your Grandson potentially not getting the help he maybe needs is frustrating, but there is time. And the fact his mum rarely takes him out is not ideal, but it maybe tricky for her if he is as impetuous as you say.

Just be there for them!

Also, if you think your grandson is left to his own devices too much try to offer interesting outings for him, sit down and play with him, show him books, but do not criticise either parent.

Your relationship with your grandson is in no way impacted by whether he has a diagnosis or not. It will not change who he is or who you are.

This. Absolutely nothing will change for you if he has a diagnosis. Focus on the relationship you have and, if you want to; how you can enrich his life when you see him.

I wouldn't mention the autism again, school will bring it up if they feel that he is showing traits.

Doesn’t know numbers, still in nappy and no sense of danger are completely normal for 2 year olds.

Back off. You clearly dislike and judge your DIL and don’t seem to be bothered that your son is ignoring what you believe are obvious signs of autism (but may well not be). Let them parent their child, after all , did you do so well if you raised a wet lettuce that is letting this evil, lazy DIL walk all over him?

Some of that certainly sounds like he's autistic OP - but what help do you think he'd be getting if he had a diagnosis? There's probably a huge wait even for the most basic of speech therapy - I do agree though that the sooner it's picked up the better. You've tried raising the signs of ASD with them though and they're not interested so I would drop that because you can't force them to do anything and all you'll do is alienate yourselves.

Instead the route I'd be going down is asking about him going to nursery. You could frame it as 'great for getting a bit of a break from parenting 24/7' rather than as something he needs (they probably won't appreciate you telling them what he needs). If the signs are as obvious as you suggest then it will hopefully be picked up there. I wouldn't expect tons of help for him though unfortunately, but they could start the process of getting an EHCP.

Kindly, please back off. Comments made about a young child in my family potentially being autistic have caused a lot of upset. You will do more harm than good for your relationship.

You say theres a lot of laziness on the parents part, how can you be sure its autism & not a parenting issue? And before anyone says anything one of children is autistic.

He sounds a lot like my son who is autistic and was diagnosed at 2 years old. Now at nearly 6 he's progressed to the mental age of between 12-24 months. So yes I can imagine it is heartbreaking for you. Sadly I don't think there is much you can do if they aren't willing to acknowledge it.

For those who say you can't see autistic traits as early as 6 months, I disagree. I first started suspecting at 4 months old. It was obvious to me, and as he gets older the difference between him and his peers is ridiculously noticeable.

I agree with other posters - why are you blaming the mum? Who I assume is your DIL?

I have a slightly different view but, sadly, no useful answers.

We backed off becuase our concerns, raised gently and kindly, were repeatedly dismissed and we could sense it was causing tension. Unfortunately, parenting ND children is even harder a lot of the time than NT children, and if parents are weak in the first place, this can be a huge issue.

Today, the child in our extended family is in crisis. He has few friends and when he does make new friends - eg in the local neighbourhood after they moved house - the new friends are children who also seem to have challenges and the resulting group behaviour is very concerning. He is still in school, but his parents have been called in many times and he has been asked to leave multiple wraparound care settings, resulting in many issues and challenges for the family. Academically, he's behind but our sense is that he's actually very smart and very capable - we believe it's because he's not engaging at school and his teachers are doing their best but frankly, they have to prioritise the other children. It's also a sad truth that even though he is only 10, he is not likeable.

In retrospect, DH and I wish that we had stepped up more vocally when he was younger. We talked about this in detail the other day but also accept that the time to step up was when he was starting school - we saw the challenges age from about 2 but he was very young then - but that also coincided with Covid etc.

I would back off for now. He's still very young. When he is a little older - perhaps starting school - perhaps that's when you address it with your DS and DIL again. Or, if you have real concerns, you could even raise concerns with SS, even if you do so anonomously.

I could have written most of this about my grandson. We don't really have a relationship with him as he ignores us when we visit. I've never voiced any concerns and my daughter and SiL don't seem concerned

He knows loads of numbers, colours etc and HV said he was well ahead for his age. He goes to nursery who haven't mentioned autism but my main concern is that he bites other children

It's hard but you need to stay out of it.

my DC was diagnosed with autism very early on and I agree what with what you say about your Grandson, these are traits of autism but it doesn’t mean it definitely is.
It’s quite normal for parents to be in some form of denial about the situation, I know I was. Especially if the health visitor is not picking up on anything, I had to push and push my health visitor to listen to me for months. They are not always proactive or trained in this area.
I really would not push it with your son and DIL, if it is autism or any other type of developmental delay, it is inevitable they will have to acknowledge it. In the meantime I think you could just support them as much as you can. You say DIL is with Grandson at home all day, could it be that it’s a struggle for her to take him out? My child was always quite challenging to take out by myself, she didn’t follow instructions and got very distressed with new places, transitions. Could you support her in doing some outings? Maybe short visits to a local farm or something.
Autism is not an urgent situation, it’s not like he must immediately go to the doctors for a cure. There’s very little sevices provided at this age, so don’t feel panicked on whether he’s missing out. Try and engage with him as much as possible when you’re spending time with him and try not to focus on what he’s not doing. Focus on that. Is there a TV character he likes? Autistic children often learn language through their special interests, my DC loved Peppa Pig and would sing Peppa songs before she could talk. Try and get into his world and engage him that way.
If he is having delays with his speech he may benefit from speech therapy, could you put some money aside towards this? When your son and DIL eventually realise this could be an issue you could offer money for a private speech therapist? As NHS Speech waiting lists are long and in my area it’s actually a non existent service that you are on a waiting list for. I empathise with you feeling helpless but just being there for your Grandson and being supportive is the best thing you can do. Your son and DIL obviously need some more time and as I said, it’s inevitable that they will have to acknowledge if it does turn out to be autism. .

You’ve mentioned it, so now I would leave it to your son and SIL. If things are as obvious as your post suggests, nursery and then school will also raise concerns. That will happen soon because of his age so let them be the messenger that gets shot down.