Autism concern with Grandson

[FluentPearlCat]

We have had concerns about the possibility of our grandson having autism since he was around 6 months old. He's now nearly 3. We have suggested the possibility to the parents a few times now & have been shut down completely, the subject has been ignored.

We want to maintain a relationship with everyone concerned but feel if we suggest anything else, we'll be cut off.

It's been a long time since we've had toddlers in the house & we don't want to be the 'know it all' & out of touch Grandparents. We simply don't know what to do.

It's like Mum & Dad are blind to his obvious differences. They think his behaviour is funny. I think a lot of it is laziness on Mum's part, he is basically left to his own devices at home.

Why a health visitor hasn't picked up on this is beyond us. Are they as good as they used to be with regular visits or appointments?

He babbled briefly as a baby but it stopped. He spins, toe walks, vocally stims, although he's still non verbal. Doesn't know his numbers, colours or animal noises. He doesn't play with his toys.

If he wants something, he'll lead you by hand to show you. He can't follow simple instructions & doesn't answer to his name. He could walk into a room full of people & he wouldn't acknowledge any of them.

He runs backwards & forwards, climbs and opens/closes doors/windows repeatedly. He has no sense of danger and will elope in a heartbeat. He doesn't sleep through the night & is still in nappies.

He's at home with Mum every day & they don't go out! He doesn't engage with anyone other than close family members & at best, we will get some eye contact with him.

He's the sweetest little lad & it breaks our hearts to see him like this when Mum & Dad could be taking steps to helping him.

What do we do without causing chaos in the family?

You could just be grandparents? The best way to support is to be present, respect the parents.

I take it the mum in the situation is your DIL by the fact you've called her lazy.

Yes he might have autism, but:

Parents have to arrive at that conclusion by themselves. They probably already know deep down but you needling at it won't help.

Health visitor support is virtually non existent (totally non existent past the age of 2) in most places

If there is an issue it will be picked up at nursery/school.

A diagnosis won't magic up loads of support. We just got given a piece of paper with some websites listed on it. Nothing else changed.

If he is autistic, your DIL wouldn't be able to 'cure' him by being less 'lazy'. You can't parent it away.

Also:

He runs backwards & forwards, climbs and opens/closes doors/windows repeatedly. He has no sense of danger and will elope in a heartbeat. He doesn't sleep through the night & is still in nappies

I'd be amazed if you could find a health professional who would to act on these behaviours in a child who is not yet 3.

AI click bait.

You've raised it already. If you do any more you will alienate them.

In your shoes I'd step back and focus on supporting them as a family without mentioning it again.

Once he starts at preschool/school etc, it's likely to be picked up quickly by professional teams and they may well hold more sway than "what granny says" for the parents.

We've had similar in my wide family- my own kids are on waiting lists od assessment and I've pushed for diagnosis. I have a niece who is very obviously autistic but her parents were clearly in denial, however once school started, so did referrals to specialists. I think if any of us had pushed the issue they'd probably have clammed up completely so weve watched and taken their lead in terms of what they are ready to talk about.

For me, diagnosis won't change my children, they'll be who they are regardless of label so it's just seemed like a way to try to get them supported. However for some people, labels are big and scary and negative and horrible, and they need time to adjust and come to their own conclusion about their child- it almost seems like they think their child will be fine as long as there's no diagnosis. I think it can be gutting for people to have the realisation that their child has difficulties which mean their life may not be everything their parents imagined, and they need time to work through it all. Pushing them and pushing them won't help with this.

This sounds like a child in our family. The mum was extremely resistant to any suggestion that there were concerns. One of the earliest was the child was happy to sit still when placed on the floor never explored, never moved arms to say lift me up, this certainly before age 1. Speech was very delayed but did respond to speech therapy and encouragement of parents to actually talk to the child!

The likelyhood of autism has still never been acknowledged by the parents to anyone in the wider family. But they are homeschooled partly because they dislike noise in school. Wear headphones on firework night. Use fidget toys.

No plan that I can see for how to take exams as year 11 fast approaches.

Could self referral for speech therapy be a way for your grandson to get some help?

Could just been plain old parenting at fault here. Why jump to autism??

If the parents aren't engaging, then what do you expect the child to be like??

When he starts nursery or school it will be picked up.

It's sad that there's no push for diagnosis right now so that the right support can be put in place for him, but you have to be cautious and a little bit compassionate.

At 3, my son was exactly the way you describe your grandson. He did get an autism diagnosis at 3 and was referred at 2 year old.

I met other parents during this time who were struggling to go through a period of acceptance, and talking about it felt like you were grieving a child who is still alive because of the realisation that life will always be hard for them, there's no guarantee that they'll ever learn to talk, and it felt easier to bury your head in the sand and hope they turn out fine.

For those parents, all they cared about was that they loved their child and if they didn't consider autism, they could just live every moment in the now, and not think about the future.

You can help when you are with him though by implementing some child led activities like intensive interaction - you might need to Google this because the name doesn't actually give much away in terms of what to do. It's not very intense at all. Music games, lots of tapping and humming and singing. Educational TV programmes that use repetitive phrases like Yakka Dee or the twirlywoos.

When a child has such profound needs, it won't go amiss when he reaches compulsory school age and other professionals have a duty of care towards that child.

Only the paranoid or pathologically judgemental see signs of autism in a 6 month old. It is impossible to diagnose until the child is older. Every baby is a unique individual and autism is just one possibility among many. When a child is autistic the most important thing is that they are loved. When a child is not autistic the most important thing is that they are loved. The "harms" of autism are caused by a rigid world that doesn't allow for an individual's differences of approach and no 0-3yo should be in a situation where rigid conformity is expected or required so your "warnings" were totally inappropriate. As and when the child starts school, if the environment turns out to be a problem then it is the environment that is problematic, not the child, but the professionals at that point will help the parents to work out the best plan - potentially with an ehcp if needed.

He sounds just like my DS at that age (who, for those who have questioned the age thing, was referred at 18 months and diagnosed at 2yrs). Your description took me right back, I actually miss those days a little in a weird way!

There's little you can do. What is sad is that he's missing out on potential early interventions which can be so beneficial. If he is home all day with a SAHM (no nursery/preschool) then I imagine concerns will be quickly raised once he starts school.

You can't say anything more.
You can only support his parents; praise the many things that they do.
You need to step up and be engaged grandparents.

You take the little chap out to the park and to the zoo.
Read to him, build towers and cubbies, bring your dog over to play, sing songs and invite him over to your place to cook pancakes etc. Consistant and frequent interaction.

If you really do suspect Autism then contact an organisation to get tips for how best to interact, as a grandparent.

As i rationalised to myself many times over the years - even children of the most lazy/uninvested/cant be arsed/neglectful parents learn to talk and play with toys in the way in which they were designed

You could with mine ,he was headbanging constantly, diagnosed age 3

It definitely does sound like autism is possible
He's 3 ,so at some point he will go in to some sort of nursery or reception,and if he is as you say ,it will become apparent very quickly he needs an ehcp,and intervention.
Not much you can do untill then ,if parents are not willing to seek help

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned. You have described a child who is nearly 3 (how nearly?) and:

• is totally non-verbal
• has apparently limited verbal understanding - can't follow simple directions, doesn't respond to his name
• shows unusual, repetitive behaviours - spinning, running back and forth, opening/closing things
• has unusual social behaviour - not greeting people, not responding to his name

It's not true in all areas of the country that there is no support available for young children with developmental delays. It's not helpful to say his parents should wait until he is at (mainstream ?) school to seek any support. I can imagine that a Health Visitor who last saw him at around 24 months would not necessarily have raised concerns (maybe only behind in communication skills at that point); but if he is actually nearly 3 now, that is quite a different picture.

I think if his parents took him to the GP they would probably get a referral to a paediatric service or at least a Speech and Language service, which wou get the ball rolling on any assessments and support plans / placement advice needed for school.

I think you are being very unfair to your DIL though. As other posters have noted, it is hard to parent a child who is not following a typical developmental trajectory. It is particularly hard if your child doesn't cope with toddler groups etc, making it hard to take them out. Staying at home can be easier and also feed the denial of difference - it's nicer to be at home and not be confronted by everything your child can't do and others can every day.

You've already done as much as you can do, which is share your concerns with the parents. You could perhaps mention it again gently after a suitable amount of time has elapsed.

As a PP has mentioned, there are parents out there who think it is a disadvantage to have their children 'labelled'. I know several.

As a woman diagnosed with autism and ADHD in my 50s, my opinion is that parents who worry about 'labelling' are misinformed but in the end it is up to them.

First of all, autism and ADHD are significant medical diagnoses, not labels.

For children, it is much easier to get the academic support and extra time in exams if they have the diagnosis. I, for example would have benefited from extra tuition on essay writing and planning. I was amazing at maths though!

My consultant psychiatrist who specialises in autism and ADHD, has told me that the stress of living so long with undiagnosed autism and ADHD would probably have been a contributing factor to me developing ME/CFS, which has made me too ill to work. Since having the ADHD diagnosis, my mental health has been MUCH better because ADHD medication has dramatically improved my anxiety.

In other words, it is important to overall health to get autism and ADHD diagnosed. There is plenty of information online about the health outcomes of people with autism and ADHD, and you can assume it's going to be worse without a diagnosis and treatment or support.

Early intervention is important. Some children should be recieving help long before they enter reception. Most nursery schools are excellent at picking up on this, if parents are perhaps in denial or haven't actually realised. Its often very difficult for even proffesionals to bring this up with with parents as they very obviously find it so hard to hear. As grandparents you are in a very difficult position. At the moment all you can do is love him, spend time with him and be there for the parents. From your description it does sound possible that at some point he may need extra help.

If you have raised this and it hasn’t been well received, then I think that you step right back from raising it.

But, that doesn’t stop the need for it to be raised. If you are at all in a financial position to do so, I would consider offering to pay towards childcare costs. With the behaviours you describe, once he is in nursery, this will be picked up.

And if the parents mention concerns around speech at all at any point, I would also offer to pay for private speech and language therapy. Speech therapy is typically the early intervention given for autistic children, so he won’t be missing out if he has this without diagnosis. Additionally, a speech and language therapist will be able to discuss autism with the parents in a way in which you can’t.

If you've gently tried to raise concerns and it's not been well received, there really isn't anything more you can do. Rest assured if he is autistic, it will be picked up at nursery or school when he starts. Our son was diagnosed at 3 but we had concerns from about 18 months and the formal diagnosis assessment took 6 months. In that time, we attended a local children's centre and I saw many parents who were sadly totally in denial. I think it's harder when it's your first child and you don't necessarily know what's in the normal range of development. Our son was our 2nd child so we were aware of the differences. I would just try and be supportive and spend time with them - maybe pop round and offer to take them out for lunch or to the park? Your daughter in law may not feel confident taking him out alone, especially if he's a runner with no sense of danger.

You said something, now leave them alone. Life will show the parents what to do.

I have a family member who has a DC that was flagged (by school) as needing an assessment. My family member ignored it. In fact, they were outraged at the suggestion. Years and years later, I think they will now acknowledge it and consider an assessment, because the issues are not smoothing out as they'd hope with their DC.

Edit: I personally think it's been a terrible choice to have ignored the teacher, because things have gotten very difficult. But at least now my family member is all for help/suggestions.

As grandparents, there is nothing you can do. You've raised the issue, but it's up to your son and DIL to acknowledge there is a problem.

Much as it hurts you, back off. Give your g/s all the love and support you can give him, and hope his parents eventually realise, thru nursery or school, what they may be dealing with.

One of the biggest issues for some parents with neurodiverse children is accepting a reality they emotionally refuse to believe.

I’ll let DD’s team of doctors know that they are either paranoid or pathologically judgemental then.

Agree, I seen at 4months with mine. But all you can do is point in the right direction, every parent will go on this journey in their own way. Maybe ring the local health nurse for advise.

It would have to be a very serious parenting issue to cause a child to develop no words at all by 2/3, regress even babbling and behave in the way OP describes. Even very badly abused neurotypical children usually acquire language, because they still hear language.

@SomethingInnocuousForNowyes but it can happen if the parents dont socialise the child/stay indoors pretty much 24/7 and stick them in front of a tv all day. Not saying that is the case here - but we all know it happens.

Even in front of a TV (while much, much worse than real human interaction) nearly all NT children would acquire some words. The only cases I know of where abused children didn't acquire language, they were locked in rooms 24/7 and heard no human language at all.

It's a bloody big accusation!