To ask how she manages to fit in when I don’t!

[Deaaae]

My son is in year 2 now and I often feel like I don’t fit in with the other mums and in return my son doesn’t get invited to play dates and is not included. It’s a small school with small classes and 2 form entry. It’s an infants school so this will be my sons last year here. I didn’t always feel like this - in beginning I was chatty to everyone and friendly but then I started noticing a few mums were very cold and when I asked for play dates I was met with “oh sorry too busy”, the girls mums were friendliest so I just had play dates with them. I was casually talking to another mum (let’s call her Bea) about this I didn’t mention any names and just focused on how I’m feeling, she was able to correctly identify the 3 main ones and told me not to worry as they only bother with people with money and who are skinny! I was quite shocked at this. She proceeded to tell me they all have regular meet ups with the boys and it’s sad my son doesn’t get invited. Bea gets invited apparently too.

I kind of gave up after this conversation (happened in reception class) I just dropped off and picked up and smiled but didn’t stay longer.

I started getting on with the mums from other class who are very down to earth and warm but today walking out with one (let’s call her Sam) I saw how easily she managed to talk to this cliquey group who have always excluded me and it got me thinking why can’t I be more like her?

also does anyone think Bea might be a shit stirrer and I let her words influence how I’m feeling about the school in general?

I did mention to Sam another time how I felt excluded and her experience is not the same she really likes the school and thinks everyone is lovely. She’s very much like me - not a size zero and definitely not a millionaire! So how can she do it but I can’t?

wow, it's that what you are taking from the post you are replying to?

People have a life, and it's not their job to create your social life. But with such a horrible attitude, calling them shallow, show off, vile bitch... it says a lot about you! No wonder you didn't fit in.

Instead of resenting them, have a look at yourself, why the jealousy and so much bitterness?

I made one mum friend in 36 years. At nursery.
I always worked , don’t think I’ve ever chatted to a school mum in the playground. My child socialised plenty. Went to clubs , childminders other kids.

You ok?

Trust no one where opinions are concerned , there are too many gossipy people ready to shit stir at the school gates
We have just gone into year 5 and from reception to now ive learnt that theres very few parents i actually like or want to have anything to do with
Its even better now that the children are old enough to make their own way in and out of school so i dont need to see any of them
Happy days

I made a lot if friends at the school gate. Well, since I was a sahm let's say I was very popular because people needed help to fetch their kids😅. Have only kept one friend from my dcs primary...

3 adult DC, youngest begins university next week. All had lovely friends throughout school. I worked part-time when DC were in infant school.
I would always volunteer to 'help' with anything school related when I could. This served the purpose of getting to see the behaviour of prospective play date away from their parents. Whilst I'd never be rude, there were definitely times I swerved invites from other mums after seeing their DC being less than sweetness and light.

Well, you kind of DID make a mistake in sharing with Bea. If she was willing to slag off the group whose play dates/events she and/or her DC are invited to, it's more than likely she'd happily feed that back to the people you feel 'exclude' you or slag you off to other parents.
I'm absolutely not everyone's cup of tea and there are parents who barely acknowledge my presence, either because they don't like me or I'm simply not on their radar.
I do feel slighted, as I'm highly anxious and insecure (I'm AuDHD and crowds of people are very challenging for me; my DC attend a large primary, so the playground is sensory hell at pick up).
But, there are quite a few Mums and Dads who do say hi, whom I shoot the breeze with, many of whom are similarly socially awkward and not necessarily part of a 'group'.
For Juniors, it might be better to give your social standing on the playground less headspace and focus on the people who do converse in passing and the parents/carers of your son's actual friends. * *

It’s probably them not you. DC1 had a horrid primary class. I did not talk to their mums because none of them would talk to me. DC2 had a lovely class and their mums were great too and DC2 and I are still friends with some of them (and my DCs are early 20s now).

I meant to say that many of the kids from DC1's went on to have bad problems. Eg one Dad committed suicide, 2 kids refused to go to school from y10 onwards and didn't sit tbeir GCSEs, another went totally off the rails when their parents split up, one had a baby at 15, another is in prison. That school was in a very respectable middle-class area with view pupil premium kids.

I m generally quite a shy person.
Unfortunately my facial features make me look like I m frowning all the time ,unless I am actually smiling.It made it difficult for people to warm to me.
So when I was a younger Mum I found it difficult to make new Mum friends too.Also my DD was painfully shy, so she tended not to have close friends in her younger years.
It can be isolating,especially if only 1 child.But it shouldn't t be affecting you like this.You need to stop focusing on this group. It s affecting your thinking and your behaviour .Talking to other Mums; you re coming across as quite paranoid actually.You say 1 of these other Mums you ve confided in has become a friend.That s great,you have a friend.But what must she be thinking when clearly you re telling her you d rather be in another friend group???
I d advise just to be yourself. It sounds like these ladies wouldn t be very interesting/ pleasant people to get to know anyway.They sound very cliquey.
Stop overthinking everything.It s affecting your confidence.
Your child will naturally make friends and that tends to lead you into a relationship( organising meeting ups,play dates etc) with other parents.
Then there is opportunity to befriend other parents.It sounds like you re focusing too much on you making friends rather than your child.
School gates times are the " busy " times of day.
People rushing to work/ home office/ other children to nursery etc.
Later in the day , desperate to get home to prepare dinner/ chill. Most people are in a rushed ,polite , quick catchup with relevant small talk for a couple of minutes, that s life.
Focus on other friends you have at the moment.
Stop talking about these Mums; it may be apparent to them that you don t feel comfortable around them ; that could be alienating them further.
Be polite, smile , offer some light chat , a quip re weather or something , be humerous and swftly move past.
Stop overthinking the whole situation.
Just a few thoughts to give you a different perspective.
Hope that helps.

my kids went to a childminder and she did the majority of drop offs and pick ups, it didn’t affect their social lives and the older they get, the less friendships are dictated by the mums social circle, I know other people made comments about different mums and cliquey ness etc but because I was rarely there I didn’t care and it really is one of those things that takes up as much head space as you are prepared to give it.