AIBU?
Ive been with my new partner for just over a year, and to be honest for the most part it was / has been really lovely.. however more recently we are bickering, and those bickers are frequently turning into big rows where we consistently don’t speak for days (it’s been a week before!).
For background so as not to drip feed...
I met my partner after having had an extremely bad end to my previous marriage of 9 years. We are unfortunately still going through the divorce process - 1.5 years later - as EXH is seriously dragging his feet and seems to have no real urgency in terms of just getting this done, so that we can both move on (he is also in a new relationship).
When I first met my partner, it was completely unexpected. I was abroad with friends, met him and the rest was history. We got on amazingly well and spent each day with eachother until it was time to leave. We kept in touch (long distance) and eventually after 2 months I flew back out to meet him. Again, had an incredible time, good food, good company - and I could really see us going somewhere.
Until.
I returned home at the end of the break, sent him a text message to let him know I had landed, and thanked him for a lovely holiday... and I was met with radio silence. Not a word for almost 2 days.
Eventually, whilst I was at work, he sent me a message explaining how he didn't see us going anywhere, he was going through too much and long story short he wanted to just be friends.
I was obviously devastated, having spent an entire week with him one on one, he was telling me how he saw a future, we had the most amazing time together etc etc, and for him to then turn around after I've spent a significant amount of money to fly out to him and stay, and tell me he saw nothing in me - absolutely shattered me.
A few days after we then picked up conversation again - granted I was a lot colder towards him for what he had put me through - until one evening he text to say he was meeting a 'girl' that he knew of, and she wanted to see if there was anything there between them. He maintains that there was no connection, no spark - and they left things there after the meeting.
Over time we continued to speak, and I warmed up a lot more and long story VERY short, we ended up trying to make things work again. I flew back out to see him in November of last year, and again we had a fantastic time, even making things official whilst there.
I returned home, communication continued strong, and in early January I was offered a position with my company to move abroad to a mutual country that neither of us had visited before. I took the opportunity, and he - to my surprise - decided to come and join me here.
Since January we have been making things work here, although it's been hard - we've managed... until recently.
Recently I've been feeling really crap. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I have terrible self esteem, really low mood, and out of nowhere, my trust and faith in the relationship feels as though it's just spiralled out of control. I don't trust what he's doing, where he's going - and after initially speaking about it last night with him (which turned into a massive argument into the early hours) I have realised that the problem lies with me, and my feeling of inadequacy.
To me, it feels like he lead me on, decided it wasn't going to work, wanted to test the waters with somebody else - again, decided it won't work with her - and then came crawling back to me.
He doesn't seem to see any problems with the situation, but to me - it's really knocked my confidence and I feel really rubbish. I think this is the main reason as to why I feel the way I do.
Please - be gentle with me, I am feeling extremely fragile and emotional. I'm currently at work having not got even a wink of sleep last night, and I'm just feeling hugely low.
Outside of these issues in my head, doubts etc - we have a genuinely really lovely relationship. From the outside, nobody would know we are having any issues. But in the relationship its a different story.
He's threatening to leave me continuously because he can't cope with my doubts and trust issues.
I guess what I am asking is - AIBU to feel the way I do? Granted there is a language barrier between us, so sometimes he does struggle to understand my feelings fully - but I am just feeling the lowest I ever have. I'm trying to navigate a new country, new job role, new relationship and new feelings (in my previous relationship I never had any feelings like these, it just unfortunately went hugely downhill for other reasons and didn't end well).
If you made it this far, thank you for reading through. Again, I am open to comments but please be gentle and mindful. I am really struggling.