Content self doubt is sabotaging my relationship…

[stixnotstone]

AIBU?

Ive been with my new partner for just over a year, and to be honest for the most part it was / has been really lovely.. however more recently we are bickering, and those bickers are frequently turning into big rows where we consistently don’t speak for days (it’s been a week before!).

For background so as not to drip feed...

I met my partner after having had an extremely bad end to my previous marriage of 9 years. We are unfortunately still going through the divorce process - 1.5 years later - as EXH is seriously dragging his feet and seems to have no real urgency in terms of just getting this done, so that we can both move on (he is also in a new relationship).

When I first met my partner, it was completely unexpected. I was abroad with friends, met him and the rest was history. We got on amazingly well and spent each day with eachother until it was time to leave. We kept in touch (long distance) and eventually after 2 months I flew back out to meet him. Again, had an incredible time, good food, good company - and I could really see us going somewhere.

Until.

I returned home at the end of the break, sent him a text message to let him know I had landed, and thanked him for a lovely holiday... and I was met with radio silence. Not a word for almost 2 days.

Eventually, whilst I was at work, he sent me a message explaining how he didn't see us going anywhere, he was going through too much and long story short he wanted to just be friends.

I was obviously devastated, having spent an entire week with him one on one, he was telling me how he saw a future, we had the most amazing time together etc etc, and for him to then turn around after I've spent a significant amount of money to fly out to him and stay, and tell me he saw nothing in me - absolutely shattered me.

A few days after we then picked up conversation again - granted I was a lot colder towards him for what he had put me through - until one evening he text to say he was meeting a 'girl' that he knew of, and she wanted to see if there was anything there between them. He maintains that there was no connection, no spark - and they left things there after the meeting.

Over time we continued to speak, and I warmed up a lot more and long story VERY short, we ended up trying to make things work again. I flew back out to see him in November of last year, and again we had a fantastic time, even making things official whilst there.

I returned home, communication continued strong, and in early January I was offered a position with my company to move abroad to a mutual country that neither of us had visited before. I took the opportunity, and he - to my surprise - decided to come and join me here.

Since January we have been making things work here, although it's been hard - we've managed... until recently.

Recently I've been feeling really crap. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I have terrible self esteem, really low mood, and out of nowhere, my trust and faith in the relationship feels as though it's just spiralled out of control. I don't trust what he's doing, where he's going - and after initially speaking about it last night with him (which turned into a massive argument into the early hours) I have realised that the problem lies with me, and my feeling of inadequacy.

To me, it feels like he lead me on, decided it wasn't going to work, wanted to test the waters with somebody else - again, decided it won't work with her - and then came crawling back to me.

He doesn't seem to see any problems with the situation, but to me - it's really knocked my confidence and I feel really rubbish. I think this is the main reason as to why I feel the way I do.

Please - be gentle with me, I am feeling extremely fragile and emotional. I'm currently at work having not got even a wink of sleep last night, and I'm just feeling hugely low.

Outside of these issues in my head, doubts etc - we have a genuinely really lovely relationship. From the outside, nobody would know we are having any issues. But in the relationship its a different story.

He's threatening to leave me continuously because he can't cope with my doubts and trust issues.

I guess what I am asking is - AIBU to feel the way I do? Granted there is a language barrier between us, so sometimes he does struggle to understand my feelings fully - but I am just feeling the lowest I ever have. I'm trying to navigate a new country, new job role, new relationship and new feelings (in my previous relationship I never had any feelings like these, it just unfortunately went hugely downhill for other reasons and didn't end well).

If you made it this far, thank you for reading through. Again, I am open to comments but please be gentle and mindful. I am really struggling.

Thank you - I appreciate your comment ❤️

I haven’t ever felt this low. He maintains he loves me, keeps telling me that looks aren’t the reason he fell in love etc.. and tells me he wanted to build a future and a family with me - but I just can’t shake the self loathing and doubts.

We used to be so good together, and I can’t help but blame myself for it all crumbling down.

I pick arguments, say things I don’t mean because I’m hurting immeasurably but I can’t put into words why.

I don’t think it’s helpful at all to be clinging onto the times that you’re happy as a reason to be together. That’s like replaying the unrealistic holiday romance week and ignoring the reality when it all went crap. There are always happy times to cling onto in every bad relationship, they’re why women don’t get out sooner, but that’s not a good thing. Look instead at how bad it’s actually been for only one year in, don’t assign blame, just see it for what it is - the wrong thing at the wrong time - and stop trying to stick it out. End it and focus on rebuilding yourself post divorce. Until you’ve done that, this is only going to set you further back.

Does this relationship enhance your life or diminish it? If it is making you feel worse, not better, then you need to get out before you become further entrenched.

You deserve much better. Don't put yourself through the pain of trying to maintain this. You absolutely are someones goddess

Hi OP,

I think this relationship doesn't really sound like a healthy one.

I think fundamentally it sounds like this relationship is not really the right one for you. We all have lovely relationships "the rest of the time", but it is when the going gets tough that the relationship either survives or doesn't. You have been so brave and given so much to the relationship, that you have fallen for the Sunk Costs fallacy. Fundamentally the relationship is a dud and should end,

What is clear to me is that you are massively underestimating your worth. Emigrating is hard - I have done it multiple times, and going to a place with a new language is really hard, It is not for the faint hearted and if you have a crappy relationship then it will not be possible to make the most of it.
Have you been able to build a local friendship group- it is absolutely essential in your position, and I would strongly recommend it. I would also say avoid returning to the UK before your time is up if you can avoid it in any possible way.

This whole post is a massive of red flags that youre unlikely to link. This is not a good relationship. This is not a good place. This is not a happy place.

Your self doubt has been diminished slowly because of snippets of comments over time that have eroded your very being, back handed compliments your gut has picked up but your mind hasn't put together. Hes gaslit you, hes manipulative, hes love bombed you, hes withdrawn. hes come back, hes gone silent, hes come back. Hes toxic - he needs a warning label and you need a good 2-3 years to heal from your first relationship before being exposed to him, the manipulative ALWAYS find the vulnerable- its their prey.

But you wont see this because hes perfect... but if you look, you'll see.

Silent treatment? manipulative
love bombing
withdrawal
coming back
telling you about a competitor
coming back because youre the one (bullshit for a start)

this man is toxic, and your his supply. You need to heal and to find your true self, one that is single, one that can heal and find herself, don't jump into anything, its more likely to be toxic, they find the vulnerable because its their supply... start watching some videos, go some googling, you'll see the traits, you'll see the signs

Bluntly, stop holding onto it, OP. This relationship has been a matter of stopping and starting, and it would never have got underway at all if you hadn't moved abroad for a job contract. Him then moving to the same place gave you an artificial veneer of seriousness about one another. If you'd both been living in the same town in the UK, this relationship would never have happened at all.

Anyway, regardless of any of that, the relationship clearly isn't working for you now. Just end it, be single for a while, and focus on enjoying life, getting the divorce through and working on your self-esteem.

It's been said already, but this soon in you should both be in full "obsessive love where the other can do no wrong" mode. The fact you're already having big arguments leading to days of not talking, and he's (whether on purpose or not) making you feel shit about yourself is terrible. If its like this now, how will it be in a few years where he's really not trying much anymore?

I think you need to break up and focus on yourself for a while, process and move forward from your divorce and only look to date when you're actually mentally in a better place.

Op this should never have been anything more than a holiday fling after the radio silence and we should be friends spiel.

You are feeling insecure about your looks and how you're not his type and rather than tell you that you're beautiful he tells you that he didn't fall in love with you for your looks. Everyone wants to feel their OH is attracted to them, obviously you don't want your looks to be the only reason they're with you, but you want them to find you attractive! By saying that sort of thing he is subtly undermining you and reducing your confidence while looking like some kind of noble guy.

My question would be why doesn't he want a future and family with someone he finds beautiful? Is he with you for your earning potential as you say you earn more? Is that why he's come round to the idea that you'd be good to build a future with?

You know there's something really wrong with this relationship even if you can't quite put your finger on what it is OP. I would suggest he may well have a few narcissistic traits going on there and that you should trust your gut and run a fucking mile. I don't think this relationship is ever going to make you happy.

I think you're coping with a lot - divorce, new country, new job and new relationship. You didn't know each other well, have presumably moved in together and are getting to know each other properly.

I think your insecurity about this other girl is unreasonable - he went on one date and that was it. He taken a huge leap of faith moving to a new country to be with you - surely that shows his commitment? If you are constantly picking arguments and seeking reassurance, that's going to be draining on the relationship. Can you access some counselling for yourself to address the issues you're having?

Thank you all. I just feel like such a failure and so upset that I can’t seem to be able to make this work.

He's been amazing to me at times but at other times he’s been so distant. He only met this other woman once and maintains that constantly, so I don’t know what the problem is especially since he is always so honesty and transparent.

Im so sick of going to work with a tear stained face, pretending to be okay whilst bickering over text messages all day until we get home and it blows up - and then rinse and repeat.

He is everything I could have ever dreamed of and that’s why I think I feel so insecure and inadequate, as he is clearly way out of my league.

He is everything I could have ever dreamed of and that’s why I think I feel so insecure and inadequate, as he is clearly way out of my league.

This is such a bad perspective. Dont ever be with anyone that you yourself makes yourself feel shit. He isnt amazing, he isnt everything you would ever want.

An amazing guy wouldn't ever make you feel inadequate, wouldn't ever come back and tell you beauty isnt everything (ergo youre not fucking beautiful but ill settle because theres other benefits). He isnt amazing, hes just disarmed you. If youre friend (or mother or sister or daughter) we're coming to you with this (forgrt your perspective on him). What would you say? Would yoy tell the woman she needed to sacrifice more, she needed to do more for a man? because hes a prize? I doubt thats what youd say

He is everything I could have ever dreamed of and that’s why I think I feel so insecure and inadequate, as he is clearly way out of my league.

Christ, you have got this so warped. He is 1000% not everything you could ever have dreamed of. That's patently not true and on the contrary the fact that you're feeling so shit proves it's the wrong relationship for you. That's not because of your looks or this other woman or any of that. You are still going through a divorce. People need time to cope with that, it makes them feel like failures and they need to work through it and find their feet, not jump into this hot mess of a holiday fling strung out way beyond what it should ever have been. Even solid long-term relationships would be under pressure with the move to a new country and everything else you've got going on, but this relationship with a man you don't really know and have created this fantasy narrative around has no chance. You're clinging onto it out of fear - of 'failure', of being alone maybe, of any number of other baseless concerns that are stopping you doing the one thing that would set you on the path to feeling better - ending it and focusing on yourself. That would be success not failure. Failure is to keep on investing time and your withering self-esteem in this guy, who is not in any league, he's just a man you met on holiday and it's not working out long-term, as the vast majority of such relationships don't.

For heaven's sake, @stixnotstone -- if a man you can't stop arguing with, who isn't that nice to you, and doesn't ever appear to have been that into you is 'everything I could ever have dreamed of', then you need to give your head a wobble and have a lot of therapy. Unless you have some weird kink for being unhappy. Relationships aren't meant to be this hard! When they are, that's a sign they're not working.

I think it just boils down again to my terrible self esteem.

😵‍💫 why you dream so small?

He is everything I could have ever dreamed of and that’s why I think I feel so insecure and inadequate, as he is clearly way out of my league

This is not your dream guy.
Why dont you dream of being with someone who can meet your basic emotional needs??

No man of my dreams is happy to walk round the house giving me the silent treatment for a week!!! No man of my dream would make me feel this shit about myself....

Also you've clearly bought into the idea media / pop culture sells us that if you are X enough the man will love you...

You arent operating in a vacuum here...

Failure looks like staying in this shitty relationship.
It is not failure to recognise it isnt working.

You can be perfectly fine individuals who for whatever reason are just not healthy together.... No "failing"s on anyone's parts

Is it just the way he looks that is everything you ever dreamed of? Because a handsome face does not a good man make!

Then get out of this relationship ASAP, be single, and work on your self-esteem. Otherwise, if you think you're worth shit, you will keep entering into relationships where the other person treats you like shit.

You don’t need that unhappiness in your life, just for the sake of having a boyfriend.