To not feel bad

[notmymonkeyss]

It was a milestone birthday for me a few years ago. I had had a rough year mh wise and wanted to celebrate, I asked dh if we could go away for a long weekend abroad. Dh was reluctant (he use to worry a lot about money) but he agreed. On my birthday he got me usual gifts annd a small supermarket cake which was lovely and I arranged a meal out for us with our friends. A month later we went away. Dh was in a mood the whole time he , refused to go for a drink, refused to use public transport (due to cost) eve though I had blisters . It was a complete waste of time and money.
Four years later it’s dhs same big birthday , I had in the lead up made suggestions regarding celebrating but then he snapped at me so I dropped it. I spends more on him than normal gifts wise getting him tickets to a band and arranged a meal out with family and ordered him a cake. From a bakery. He said around his birthday he would like to do a weekend away and I said fine. That was 4 months ago.
just to mention I’ve had a awful year health wise, I haven’t brought the weekend away up since because
a- my health hasn’t been great
b- he snapped at me fir raising it previously
c- i organised every aspect of my special birthday so assumed he would arrange this
d- he ruined my birthday

he mentioned the other day he was bothered it wasn’t organised. Shoukk I feel bad for not sorting it?

No. You’re returning the effort and energy and it might be a lesson learned for him - pillock.

The measure you give out is the measure you get back! He was a complete prick for your birthday so I wouldn’t be going way out for his. Why are you with someone like that?

I'd tell him that since he ruined the weekend away for your birthday, he can organise his own weekend away.

You are mirroring his effort and attitude. I don’t blame you one bit.

Thanks, I’m often the organiser so I felt bad as I think he expected me to go it.
hesaid it because I’d arranged to go on a city break with dd (something we had planned ages ago and I’m just well enough for) and when I checked with dh he would be ok if I went he went all sad and mentioned his birthday.

God, I hate passive aggressive types.

Just say, well after my birthday I got the strong impression you disliked weekends away!

And don't ask for permission next time.

It didn’t sound like you like each other much, is the marriage strained?

It’s not ok that he ruined your birthday trip.

And why do you have to ask permission to go away with your child? It all sounds very hard work.

Come on now. This person makes you miserable, for no good reason, and you cannot talk to him about it so it won't change. Just dump him.

Dh was in a mood the whole time he , refused to go for a drink, refused to use public transport (due to cost) eve though I had blisters
He refused to go for a drink at all, or take a bus?

Hmmm are you struggling financially?

He sounds stressed about money.

We have a younger child so more of a courtesy

Yes we were on the south of France , I’d booked a few excursions which we did but this was when we were exploring. Because he had moaned about cost we ended up staying 30 min walk out of the centre which was fine except my feet ended up sore so I asked if we could get the bus and he refused. He wouldn’t stop off for a drink either.

He use to worry a lot about money. We were ok at the time, could pay our bills and put a little away on savings but not rich.
we are better off financially now and he doesn’t worry about money at all.

I’m guessing for his own birthday weekend away he would suddenly be fine with taking transport and buying a drink.

Did you ever tell him that him being in a mood that entire weekend and his penny pinching ruined your birthday weekend away?

I didn’t say anything during as I was just trying to make the best of it. I’ve mentioned it a few times retrospectively and he didn’t say much.
I’m a real people pleaser and usually a comment like the one he made yesterday would flood me with guilt and I would be straight into organising but this time I didn’t.
Same thing happened recently when he was complaining about having to walk the dog and take our son when I went to visit dd for the day (which is difficult but something I have done every day in school holidays) usually I would feel bad and shorten my visit but this time I dismissed it.

I’m glad you are dismissing it more now.

And tell him that if he does organise a weekend away, you won’t be walking everywhere and will be getting public transport and taxis. And that if you want a drink or a lovely meal, you will have it!

Why didn't you take a bus yourself?

He sounds unpleasant and selfish. But this stood out to me. You could said, we'll I'm taking the bus, you can walk if you like.

Lack of confidence at using public transport abroad. We don’t go abroad very often and I don’t speak French.

I'm going to take a guess that this big birthday was 40, and you've reached an age where you're becoming less tolerable to his bullshit and consistenly coming last in your own life.

You've matched his energy (actually more than matched) and he's not happy. That's his problem, not yours.

For your birthday he gave you the gift of not needing to care or put effort into his celebrations. Use that gift!

You are matching his energy - no judgement from me. Hopefully he will realise the error of his ways and make more effort for you... although my exH never did. Perhaps sit him down and talk to him about your birthday vacation and how it made you feel and explain that if he is expecting gold star love and care from you he needs to be giving that back. That way it will be clear to him what he needs to do but if I am 100% honest I doubt it will make a difference, he's just lazy in his caring for you and that doesn't change ime.

I honestly don’t understand why grown adults expect other adults to sort their birthday occasion or weekend away. If I want to do something special on my birthday I organise it myself, because basically I know what I’d like to do more than anyone else would!

I love this answer 💕

Best part of getting older as a woman. That fuzzy estrogen induced filter that we see covering men melts away. We take less crap in general and give a whole lot of less fucks.

Tell him since he had a face on for your birthday then you've assumed your organising isn't up to scratch, so you'll go along with whatever he plans. But treat yourself more when there. There are translators you can install on phones these days I'm pretty sure. Have an adventure.

Similar to my husband really. His 40th, I organised a big surprise party, invited family from all over the country, probably spent close to £700 altogether, on the room, dj, cake, catering and decorations because I know he would love it.

12 months later it was mine, but had said I didn't want party. That seemed to be taken as 'do nothing'. Ended up I had to order a takeaway that I had to collect myself. Wasn't impressed