Grandparents not visiting but besotted with grandchild

[Tooearlyformincepies]

I moved to the UK about 14 years ago with the plan to move back home eventually (a country in central Europe)
Despite lots of effort from our side, this hasn't happened (my husband almost lost his job in the UK when a job over there fell through at the last minute)
I feel very guilty for living far away and consequently visit my mum and dad over there regularly - about every 3 months at the least , it's a 2 hour flight. My husband has always been very understanding and supportive and our son (5) loves to go.
The problem is that my parents, (77 and 70- but thankfully absolutely fighting fit!) are very reluctant to visit. They visit once a year at the very most. My mum does get slightly nervous about the travelling but at the same time they go to Italy, Croatia etc on big bus/ car journeys every year and to be honest I'm starting to get irritated about this - they constantly say how much they miss the grandchild but are so hesitant to visit?
AIBU to think they really could visit more?

Ah sorry to hear that. No not at all- especially my mum is always just pottering round the house!

My in laws do this. They are only 1 hour on the plane and are only 60! We've tried so many suggestions, like staying for just a day trip, to get her to visit more. Well now she bloody does that, but every 10 months. I just don't get it. He was always a bit of a deadbeat Dad, but now she is a deadbeat Gran. Just completely useless.

it's 2 hours at the most

But much more when you take into account arriving at the airport at least two hours before, parking up, security, waiting for cases at the other end, etc etc.

With my elderly parents even the size of the airport makes a difference. Small local airport, less walking, smaller car parks, no need for transfer by bus, is much better than a major airport which is all too much.

My parents can't manage the electronic check ins, boarding cards either.

Have you thought about the airports they would be flying between?

Yes this is true. The airport they have to use is large and stressful. Actually thinking about it this might be the issue! Unfortunately there's not much of an alternative...

I think it’s the flying that is the issue. A drive/coach trip is very different to carting luggage through the airport etc especially at their ages, and I do think it’s easier for you & DC to travel than them.

I do as an aside though think it can be a bit impossible really to get that same close relationship & no “missing” each other when you have grandparents living in another country or even just far away in the same country. My friends & I were speaking about this as one of them has parents who live 5 hours away and they feel they don’t have a very close relationship with their grandkids because they “only” see each other 3 x per year, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but each visit is a week so actually that’s 3 weeks or 21 full days spent together. We were then comparing that to one of my other friends who would say her parents are really close with her children, and they see each other every other Sunday for the afternoon but actually if you think of that in terms of time that’s only 3/4 hours a fortnight, which actually across a year works out at about the same amount of time the parents from further away spend with their grandchildren. When there is a distance and it’s not easy to pop round etc, visits have to be planned, it’s inevitable that you will miss each other.

Might the train be an option, possibly with an overnight stop somewhere?

I’m thinking of my own mother, who is 76 and will still fly if I’m there as well but happily travels anywhere on trains and buses. But despite having no other signs of cognitive decline whatsoever, she now gets very confused at airports - which she didn’t even 5 years ago.

Yes I partly agree but I don't think you're necessarily closer if you're closer in distance if that makes sense. I know plenty of people who live in the same village as their family and they barely see each other....

I'm sometimes genuinely wondering if it might be better to just move back despite us all being very happy here...

No,that's impossible. It would literally be a three day journey rather than a in-total 6 hour one. They'd never do that long a trip on the train

Honestly my mum, who is a few years younger, lives abroad and only comes max once per year. We go to visit her about twice.
Driving, she and my step dad seem fine to do quite long trips. This i think they find easier because it's their car, all their stuff and they feel more in control.
She often complains about airports and stress of of travel. She doesn't think of driving a few hours as "travel" in the same way tbh

I think its ok that they only visit you once a year, as long as they aren’t putting pressure on you to visit more often than is practical for you.

And if you are visiting them every couple of months, they probably don’t feel the need to travel to you more regularly.

I think the problem is that I felt guilty if I don't go more often but really it's getting a bit much for me and I would find it so nice if they came over just a bit more....

When my kids were young we did loads of flying and I was the 'tour leader'. I loved airports, and felt absolutely comfortable and confident strolling through the process, looking after everyone's passports, finding the way round the place, wrangling the other three and was not remotely stressed.

I continue to travel a lot and widely and I'm in the last year of my sixties, but I now find airports really stressful. Even though I don't have to wrangle or worry about anyone else.
They're not exciting places any more, they're places where I constantly check that I have my passport, constantly check departure boards, worry that I've forgotten something, and just can't wait to get out of the place. Oh and if course I have to worry about the journey to the airport and getting there on time. So I'm stupidly early every time, to sale for every contingency.

I hate the way that age depletes my confidence. Incidentally my adult kids wouldn't have a clue that I feel this way. They still see that they have an adventurous mum, and on this thread would say 'my mum does all that and it's a breeze'

The OP who said that you don't know what age does to you until you experience it, was right on the button. I fight it all the way, but it's not fun.

And of course you don't seem to have considered at all that one or both might have a fear of flying.

Maybe visit a bit less then, and emphasis to them that you would love to continue to see them as regularly as you have been seeing them, but that can only happen if they do more of the travelling. It’s up to them then.

OP do you see other family when you visit your parents? Is there other family in the UK?

My husband asked why we were always visiting my family and them not visiting us, but my family all still live near each other. So when we go to visit one side or the other we get to see lots of different family and they generally get together when we are there, to see us. Whereas me, my sister and my mum all live over ah hour away from each other. So if they came to see us, they wouldn’t be seeing everyone in one go, or, if they did, would be requiring people to travel over an hour just to see them when they are also travelling.

So we visit each side once a year at least (4-6 hours travel with small children) and wouldn’t expect them to come to us unless there was an event.

You're the one who moved to another country, so I think you're being unreasonable. Perhaps they find it too expensive to visit England, and it's not exactly nice and sunny!

I can’t possibly say whether it’s reasonable or unreasonable of them, I’m just wondering if that is the reason.

The expense isn't the problem, and I really don't think the weather has anything to do with this now. You're right I moved away and maybe it'd be better if we tried again to move back there. Better for my conscience and then noone has to visit anymore

But as you get older people tend to get flustered do I take this off, how does that work, where do I go it can be overwhelming. I went through customs after an op once and couldn't lift my case the staff were horrible and no help just kept shouting. I couldn't move my arm for 2 weeks

Thanks all for your replies. It's given me food for thought, I think I'll not ask for them to visit again as to not put undue stress and pressure on them..I'll continue visiting them and maybe think about if a move there would potentially not be better if we can make it work.

Maybe I'm over-simplifying this but it sounds like they just enjoy their other holidays too and don't want to give them up. That seems reasonable - especially when you consider that they already see you 5 times a year.

In the nicest possible way, you chose to move away. It's not reasonable of you to expect that because of your choice your parents should sacrifice their other holidays (that they seem to enjoy) or time spent at home, especially if you are also expecting them to pick up the costs.

Have you asked them why they don't visit?

Thanks for your reply however this made me realise that I really didn't bring the point across at all. They are long retired, them going on other holidays has nothing to do with not visiting us, they'd have plenty of time and money to do both. Also I think people are allowed to move, it wouldn't occur to me that I wouldn't visit because of this (if it was the other way round)

Do still ask them - it's nice to be invited, and we are all guessing at their feelings really - we may be wrong. Maybe they are delighted to keep doing it once a year.

I do sympathise, I can't imagine how I would cope with 3 monthly visits either. Perhaps that just needs to change - if you can't manage it, and they can't manage it, it doesn't happen and that is no one's fault.

Maybe concentrate more on other ways to keep the connection going. They can still get a lot from afar by being interested in your son's life and talking to him often. Facetime. Little projects even. During COVID some of my friends' parents were doing baking, chess, all sorts through zoom with grandchildren while parents worked. I know it's not the same, but it's an awful lot more than a lot of families have.

Could you also be creative in planning other things?

Is there a place they can drive to where you can fly in and meet them? Stay somewhere, sometimes on ‘neutral’ ground where you can all enjoy your time without them hosting.

It’s no guarantee that you’ll be close absolutely, but if both people want to be then living closer makes it far easier for all involved.

We live 10 min drive from my parents which means it’s really easy to see each other every week. If we have a free couple of hours on a random evening for example we can meet for dinner/park trip/pop round, not everything has to be planned weeks or months in advance and it’s possible to be involved in the little day to day things