AIBU to tell my friend her flat choice is a mistake?

[OddBalling]

I need an AIBU check.

My best friend made a public call for help via FB a few months ago; she was coming to the end of a relationship that was emotionally abusive that had started to turn physically abusive. For the last 6 months of the relationship, she had moved in with the guy, who also lived with his disabled mother. The flat was a state; he was more interested in weed than holding down a job. I read the FB message she posted, and after a phone call with her, immediately drove the 300 mile round trip to pick her up and her things so she could stay with me. That's not my AIBU. It was a shitshow and I was glad I could help.

My AIBU is this. She's been staying with me coming up to 3.5 months. In that time, she has secured a job in the city I live in which she starts in a few weeks. She's looking for accommodation and based on the salary of the job, she can't afford to rent a 1 bedroom flat in my city. She's opted to view flats to rent in another town 20 miles away. She doesn't drive (no licence) and is relying on public transport to get her to and from her new job. Public transport here is SHIT. Buses and trains once an hour. She'd need a bus and/or train which would add 2 hours 40 minutes to her day (1 hour 20 each way). After a certain time, there are no buses from the station so she'd need to walk/bus/cab. She has multiple (medicated) health conditions that affect her heart and blood pressure so exercise (walking/cycling) is just not feasible right now.

I have spoken to her about managing her expectations and getting a place to live in the city her job is in, but getting a studio or a house share, but she is adamant she doesn't want to live with people anymore. She also has a dog (that is currently staying with another friend and has been for the last 10 months as the ex's mum wouldn't allow the dog) that will either need dog walker, a garden and/or access to outside space. All of these things increase her monthly outgoings. She also doesn't want to rehome the dog.

Tonight I spoke to her again about this after seeing the location of the flat she is interested it. I approached this as sensitively as I could, saying that I wasn't attacking her choices, I just didn't want her to not being able to do the commute long term and end up in a position where she loses her job. I have been in the exact same position 10 years ago (albeit without a pet) and have done my fair share of house shares/studios because the commute was unsustainable. Living in a house share meant I could save enough money to do my driving lessons, deposit for a better place etc. Despite this, she is still determined to press on with the move to the other town. I have asked her to do the commute to and from the work and living locations at the time she would need to do it, which she said she thought was a good idea. However, I could see she was upset after the conversation, she's very sensitive particularly at the moment.

Was I unreasonable to have this conversation with her? She's an adult (mid 30s), but this is not the first time I've had to help her like this and she consistently makes poor choices. Part of me wants to apologise for upsetting her, the other part of me wants to let her get on with it, but I couldn't not say anything, and I feel like I will want to say more but think it's the wrong thing to do.

You have more patience than me OP. You have been a great friend and are only trying to look out for her. Your friend could dump the dog for a man for ten months. I honestly think you would have been a poor friend for not bringing this up. However she is an adult and you have to let her get on with it

Yes you were correct to have that chat. You were trying to help her.

Sounds like she is one of those people that can't see beyond what she wants and the bigger picture.

All you can do is advise her then leave her to make her own mistakes.

You are an excellent friend, your motivations are sound and sugar coating the issue of the flat would be doing a disservice to her and to your own lived experience of having gone through a similar situation.

I imagine she is seeing this as her feeling that she is taking control when she’s felt pretty helpless so recently, and sometimes people who feel that way will jump at the first opportunity to try and regain that control - i.e. living alone at any cost.

You’ve said your piece, you cannot do any more. I’ll end as I started my post - you are an excellent friend.

You were right to have the convo. Now let her crack on.

I agree with this.

you sound like a really good friend. Bravo for being there in her hour of need.

She is an adult, you have helped her and offered advice. If she chooses not to take it- then so be it. That is on her! You can't do anymore. And no- you shouldn't apologise for anything!

Has she paid you rent in the last 3.5mth, petrol money, food etc etc?

Definitely said what you should have done but I wouldn't push it further. She may just get a job in the town she will be living in the not too distant future. She will be OK and clearly knows what she wants and willing to give it a good old go

Perfectly reasonable convo to have, and good on you for helping her. An hour and 20 mins is a fairly normal commute though (at least for London!) and she might well be happy with that. Particularly as it means she gets the dog back.

It's not for everyone, but some people have long commutes and enjoy it - it's their reading / podcast time or whatever. And perhaps after a while it will motivate her to learn to drive. You've said your piece - now you just have to let her do what she thinks is right for her.

She has no job and no savings. She initially gave me a token amount of £75 from her UC; it was supposed to be every month but it hasn't happened as she's still paying for a few things. I don't really mind though as I allowed her to stay with the knowledge she doesn't have anything.

You’ve been an amazing friend and have done all you can. It’s up to her now.

Thank you to all who have commented. I did see her briefly this morning but it turned into an argument.

I apologised for our conversation yesterday as I could see it upset her. She said the thing that upset her the most was when I said "it was a stupid decision to move in with your ex and I don't want you to make another stupid decision." Or words to that effect.

She tried to end the conversation and I should of let her but didn't. I've upset her a few times since she's moved in, most of it unintentional, like I said previously, she's very sensitive, and I feel like I don't know how to communicate with her anymore. I second guess anything I say to her in case it upsets her and I'm started to resent filtering myself.

Probably a good thing she is moving out OP.

At the end of the day, you’ve been a good friend - you helped her in her hour of need and now she is moving on.

It can be so hard to watch people make mistakes but she is an adult after all.

Id be very very wary of stepping in as the saviour when things inevitably go tits up again.

Maybe think now about what you’ll do if things go wrong in the future. What can you offer and what can’t you offer.

You have been a very kind friend, you can only lead the horse to water.
Your friend won't make sensible choices, sometimes people lack the capacity to change their lives when they are used to chaos.
Is she having any counselling?
She can look for a job closer to her new home when she settles in.
You've done enough.

it’s not necessarily a bad choice.

i’m disabled and while I don’t work now I used to have a long commute to work. Doesn’t really bother me (and I use a wheelchair and can’t walk far).

i wouldn’t want a shared house and the commute would be fine by me. Headphones in ignore the world.

Echoing others - you’ve been a really good friend to her.

Is there no compromise - a town with better commuting to your city?

She’s at rock bottom in life, she found a chink of hope and you criticised it.

Were you unreasonable? It really depends on the wording and tone of your conversation, and how constructive you were in proposing an alternative.

Your advice is that she live with strangers in a flat share. Her preference is to live alone with a difficult commute.

You’ve been so helpful in getting her away from an awful relationship and living situation. But you don’t own her, you don’t control her choices. Don’t patronise her. Let her make her own decision even if it wouldn’t be your decision.

Absolutely you should have the conversation.

Just because it wasn't right for you doesn't mean its not right for her. Its not your decision.

You do sound a bit patronising, remember she's an adult and needs to make her own decisions regardless of any previous errors of judgement.

You criticised not only her plan to live independently but quite cruelly her “stupid” decision to move in with a man who you admit yourself was abusive. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a relationship like that, but decisions are quite rarely our own when in the midst of things. Do I think now, as a healed woman, that my ‘decision’ to stay with a controlling man was stupid? Yes, but I also give myself enough grace to say I was traumatised, terrified, confused while being manipulated and taken advantage of.

What may be stupid to you; Long commute, living alone. Might be her necessity. Yes you got on well in house shares but not everyone can. Particularly not very broken women coming freshly out a violent relationship. I’m years out and I still could never do a house share that involved living with men.

You have done a kind thing taking care of your friend but it doesn’t give you free rein to criticise and pass judgement. If her decisions turn sour, they turn sour. She can deal with that. If she hasn’t asked for your opinion on her ideas, plans, and most especially her past decisions; don’t bloody give one.

Poor woman has been through enough.

She'll be unlikely to get a flat without a guarantor which probably shouldn't be you as if it ends up being unsuitable you'll be on the hook for the rent.

Actually I disagree with others, you told her once, there was no need to tell her again, and to say “you made a stupid decision” etc is a really shitty way to help someone. No wonder she’s upset. Helping her doesn’t give you the right to talk to her that way. So as much as it was good to let her stay with you, you also need to respect her and her decisions.

She's probably sensitive because in her abusive relationship she was likely controlled and had her self esteem and faith in her own choices damaged, so she wants to make her own decisions now and not be criticised for them. Hard as it is, you need to step back. You've had your say, but you're in danger of being in permenant saviour mode if you don't give her space to be an adult and steer her own ship.

You've been very generous to your friend. I fear that she might have come to expect this level of care to continue indefinitely, and that in moving to a flat that obviously won't work out well, she's subconsciously relying on staying with you whenever there's a transport problem, or even for the whole working work rather than go home every night.
That poor dog will have a miserable time too, but I don't suppose she'll consider rehoming him.
I'm not sure what you can do about this except be less available and say no if she asks to stay with you in future.

You think it's a mistake to get a place that has a long commute with it. She might not think that's a mistake. It may well end up working out well for her, you just don't know.

Moving in with the ex turned out to be a mistake but if you refer to her decisions as stupid or words to that effect, you're going to drive a wedge between you. She won't be able to forget that you think she often makes poor choices and guess what you think of her (ie that she's a bit dim or something). She'll possibly feel criticised rather than supported.

She's moving forward and making progress. It might not go the way she wants, life's like that. She's entitled to try out different paths from you, if you continue to be supportive she's more likely to consider other ways of doing things.

Just let her get on with it, and then dont come to her rescue the next time. Sometimes people need to do stupid things to learn a lesson.