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AIBU?

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Original poster

How can you help someone who won't help themselves?

42 replies

Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 18:32

Hi everyone,

I've posted on here before about a bully for a mother but I need some help and advice with a new situation that I have.

My mum appears to be unwell at the minute. She has some sort of lower stomach pain and yellow skin however she won't do anything about it.

I've tried persuading her to go to the doctors otherwise she'll end up in hospital but I just get nasty remarks and her with the hump.

Ever since my manky sister has left home for the third time (aged 53) three years ago, she just can't be bothered with anything. She gets up in the morning, comes downstairs, sits in her chair and stays there until she goes to bed.

She doesn't wash or brush her hair which gets severely matted, she doesn't change her PJ's even though they get stained, she won't go in the kitchen or the garden, or even make a coffee. She does absolutely nothing, zilch all day every day.

For the last 2 years she will go days without eating, I cook dinner she has a tiny bit then "my stomach hurts and I'm not shoving it down my throat for you" but it's not healthy for someone to be like that....am I right?

She's lost a lot of weight becos of this and I get "I'm so fat" and the next breath "feel my bones" and i don't know what to think. I've had an eating disorder myself and I know what that is but this definitely isn't.

I'm lost at what to do with this situation especially when she gets quite nasty with me when I'm trying to help. I'm not a doctor or have a magic wand but surely sometimes people have to take responsibility for their own health????

I have my own health problems (marfans syndrome, heart problems and alot more) and I can't do it all on my own. We have two little dogs too and two cats which is also all left to me to look after. The three siblings that I have don't talk to her at all and I have a nephew but he only contacts us when he wants money.

If she was an easy going positive woman then it might be different but she is the complete opposite. I go through alot of abuse with her and I'm just hanging on to my last nerve.

Has anybody else been through this or similar or has any advice please, I've literally got nobody else to talk to about it all.

Thank you for reading ♥️

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 02/09/2025 18:38

Largely speaking its almost impossible to help someone who wont help themselves

Yellow skin is usually a liver problem and could be serious. It sounds like your mum is very depressed too. I think this is too serious to do nothing and risk the consequences

If it were me id call 111 for advice, because I wonder does she have capacity to refuse help? Maybe you could get mental health intervention which would help?

thesandwich · 02/09/2025 18:38

Could you write to her gp with your concerns? They may be able to do a home visit?

Original poster
Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 18:41

thesandwich · 02/09/2025 18:38

Could you write to her gp with your concerns? They may be able to do a home visit?

I've tried asking the GP but only if she is she housebound will they give a home visit and getting her out is a nightmare let alone to the doctors. Xx

OP posts:
Sixtimesnow · 02/09/2025 18:41

I would write to the GP. You can't let her keep deteriorating and do nothing, difficult though it is. Sounds horrendous for you.

Original poster
Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 18:43

Laura95167 · 02/09/2025 18:38

Largely speaking its almost impossible to help someone who wont help themselves

Yellow skin is usually a liver problem and could be serious. It sounds like your mum is very depressed too. I think this is too serious to do nothing and risk the consequences

If it were me id call 111 for advice, because I wonder does she have capacity to refuse help? Maybe you could get mental health intervention which would help?

I've actually thought of the 111 but if an ambulance comes I'm afraid that she would kick off and call them all her favourite word beginning with c. I've tried telling her about her liver but then I get accused of saying shes secretly drinking and everything kicks off. So I'm stuck. Xx

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 02/09/2025 18:44

I haven’t read your previous threads, so am only going by what you’ve written here. Practically, you could contact adult Social Services and write to her GP setting out her symptoms and telling them she’s refusing to see a dr. She’s obviously going to know it’s you who has told them and you who has to deal with the fall out from that. The plus side is that nobody could question you or suggest that you were neglecting her if she deteriorates to the point you have to call an ambulance for her and they walk in to find her looking malnourished with matted hair and stained night clothes. I know it’s not your fault and I’m not suggesting in any way that you have any responsibility for her being this way, but they’d be remiss if they didn’t ask you any questions about it and that’s not something that you’re going to want to deal with on top of everything else.

The animals; realistically it’s time to rehome them. Horrible I know, but you have enough on your plate as it is.

AdoraBell · 02/09/2025 18:44

Could you ask for a safeguard check?

Original poster
Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 18:44

Sixtimesnow · 02/09/2025 18:41

I would write to the GP. You can't let her keep deteriorating and do nothing, difficult though it is. Sounds horrendous for you.

It's not that I'm letting her, I just don't know what I can do if she won't help herself. Xx

OP posts:
FirstdatesFred · 02/09/2025 18:45

Don't want to frighten you but yellow appearance of skin could be something very serious related to liver or pancreas.

I had this with a service user (learning disabilities) who flatly refused to acknowledge her skin was yellow. She did eventually agree to go to the GP for tests.

I think all you can do is maybe phone 111 for advice when you're with her.

MickGeorge22 · 02/09/2025 18:46

The yellow skin and swollen stomach is worrying and needs medical help asap.

FirstdatesFred · 02/09/2025 18:46

Don't worry about how she'd be with an ambulance, they will be used to that and at least they will see her and she will be on their radar.

But basically you can't force her to accept help but you can make health services aware.

WilfredsPies · 02/09/2025 18:47

Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 18:43

I've actually thought of the 111 but if an ambulance comes I'm afraid that she would kick off and call them all her favourite word beginning with c. I've tried telling her about her liver but then I get accused of saying shes secretly drinking and everything kicks off. So I'm stuck. Xx

Show quote history

So what if she does? Not pleasant, but I’m pretty sure being called a cunt by an elderly woman is not going to ruin their day. They’re medical professionals. They’re going to understand that for someone to get like that, clearly all is not well in their world. You aren’t responsible for hiding her behaviour.

Serpentstooth · 02/09/2025 18:48

She is obviously ill and, personally, you can't help her if she won't permit it. Maybe, make an appointment to see her GP on her behalf. S/he will say they can't discuss her with you but you can let the surgery know and they can note your concern that she may have serious medical issues. . Maybe notify Social Services that she's a vulnerable adult, with advancing self-neglect, in need of professional help. They will also note your concern. Make clear she has alienated her whole family - that includes you - and there is nobody who can assist her. Don't tell SS you'll be available to help. They are massively overstretched and if they believe there are relatives who can help you may feel obliged to say you can do it. Don't. It won't work out well. Other than that, you can't help her. I wish you well.

BengalBangle · 02/09/2025 19:16

Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 18:44

It's not that I'm letting her, I just don't know what I can do if she won't help herself. Xx

Show quote history

You're not doing nothing or 'letting her', love. Sounds like you're going above and beyond to help her. Is your sister doing anything to help out?
Could you contact adult social services?

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 19:38

You might try letting social services know that theres a vulnerable older adult who seems ill and depressed and refuses to see her doctor. Awful situation.

Laura95167 · 02/09/2025 19:51

Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 18:43

I've actually thought of the 111 but if an ambulance comes I'm afraid that she would kick off and call them all her favourite word beginning with c. I've tried telling her about her liver but then I get accused of saying shes secretly drinking and everything kicks off. So I'm stuck. Xx

Show quote history

Im sure they've been called worse. They don't deserve it, but i think its a risk you take. Or as others suggest GP, Adult social services.

Whatever you do she will kick off it seems. But if you dont do something she may die. So id do one of those things and brace yourself for the reaction

pikkumyy77 · 02/09/2025 19:56

She will die, sooner or later, while at home given her level of collapse. That is the reality. You will be left holding the bag, as it were. I think you should contact social services and see if you can get some outside help. For her if you can. Or for you.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 02/09/2025 20:34

I think I would call Adults Services Safeguarding to see if they could provide any advice for you.

ScrimMN · 02/09/2025 20:47

Bless you op you are clearly doing your best in a terrible situation but she sounds very unwell and like a nightmare.

is she able to dress herself/ move freely about the home and garden or does she just chose not to?
adult social services might conduct a home visit and end up calling 111/ an ambulance themselves of they suspect she’s seriously ill

OneKhakiFish · 02/09/2025 21:01

That was me a few years ago, I just felt so drained, thought it was just me getting old! I had to go to A&E in the end, well my DH insisted, I was yellow, my eyes and skin, I didn't have any pain, my DH noticed when I was having a bath, white against my yellow body. I don't drink alcohol but they kept asking me what I drink, I was in the hospital 6 days before I even had a scan. Turned out to be gallstones, they said they ruled that out because I wasn't in pain! I feel so healthy and grateful now for every day,had the stones and bladder out. I hope your mum gets the help she needs

4forksache · 02/09/2025 21:08

Notify social services and the doctor then you’ve done all you can. Then it’s up to them and her.
You don’t need to feel guilty. You’ve tried your best.

Elsvieta · 02/09/2025 22:08

My grandfather had yellow skin (it was jaundice) once and wasn't quite accepting that it needed attention (just couldn't see it, he was about 92 at the time and his eyesight was going). I called an ambulance. He complained a bit but once an actual medical professional was telling him he had a problem, he believed it. Call them, let her kick off all the likes, ignore it. They get verbal abuse all the time - it's bad that they should have to put up with that of course, but at the same time they're used to it and they're a lot more worried about physical assaults from fit young people than they are about a bit of bad language from a frail old lady.

Original poster
Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 23:04

BengalBangle · 02/09/2025 19:16

You're not doing nothing or 'letting her', love. Sounds like you're going above and beyond to help her. Is your sister doing anything to help out?
Could you contact adult social services?

Show quote history

My sister hasn't spoken to us since she moved out, no row was had or any bad words but that is what she does to us. I don't think she'd forgive me if I involved social services. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 23:07

Elsvieta · 02/09/2025 22:08

My grandfather had yellow skin (it was jaundice) once and wasn't quite accepting that it needed attention (just couldn't see it, he was about 92 at the time and his eyesight was going). I called an ambulance. He complained a bit but once an actual medical professional was telling him he had a problem, he believed it. Call them, let her kick off all the likes, ignore it. They get verbal abuse all the time - it's bad that they should have to put up with that of course, but at the same time they're used to it and they're a lot more worried about physical assaults from fit young people than they are about a bit of bad language from a frail old lady.

Edited

Trouble is, she's only 68 so definitely not a frail old lady. What was his treatment if u don't mind me asking? Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottoncandy1983 · 02/09/2025 23:08

4forksache · 02/09/2025 21:08

Notify social services and the doctor then you’ve done all you can. Then it’s up to them and her.
You don’t need to feel guilty. You’ve tried your best.

Thank you, that means a lot to me. Xx

OP posts: