How can you help someone who won't help themselves?

[Cottoncandy1983]

Hi everyone,

I've posted on here before about a bully for a mother but I need some help and advice with a new situation that I have.

My mum appears to be unwell at the minute. She has some sort of lower stomach pain and yellow skin however she won't do anything about it.

I've tried persuading her to go to the doctors otherwise she'll end up in hospital but I just get nasty remarks and her with the hump.

Ever since my manky sister has left home for the third time (aged 53) three years ago, she just can't be bothered with anything. She gets up in the morning, comes downstairs, sits in her chair and stays there until she goes to bed.

She doesn't wash or brush her hair which gets severely matted, she doesn't change her PJ's even though they get stained, she won't go in the kitchen or the garden, or even make a coffee. She does absolutely nothing, zilch all day every day.

For the last 2 years she will go days without eating, I cook dinner she has a tiny bit then "my stomach hurts and I'm not shoving it down my throat for you" but it's not healthy for someone to be like that....am I right?

She's lost a lot of weight becos of this and I get "I'm so fat" and the next breath "feel my bones" and i don't know what to think. I've had an eating disorder myself and I know what that is but this definitely isn't.

I'm lost at what to do with this situation especially when she gets quite nasty with me when I'm trying to help. I'm not a doctor or have a magic wand but surely sometimes people have to take responsibility for their own health????

I have my own health problems (marfans syndrome, heart problems and alot more) and I can't do it all on my own. We have two little dogs too and two cats which is also all left to me to look after. The three siblings that I have don't talk to her at all and I have a nephew but he only contacts us when he wants money.

If she was an easy going positive woman then it might be different but she is the complete opposite. I go through alot of abuse with her and I'm just hanging on to my last nerve.

Has anybody else been through this or similar or has any advice please, I've literally got nobody else to talk to about it all.

Thank you for reading ♥️

She choses not to. When she gets angry with me she can walk around fine but when she's not, everything is an effort and shes only 68. I thought when she got older she would be a lot more easy going but it seems that's not the case. Xx

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm glad ure feeling well. I thought it might be gallstones too as Ur symptoms are identical to URS. Xx

You might not be able to help her but you need to protect yourself by alerting services of what is going on. Sorry to sound harsh but I'd worry that if she continues to refuse any medical help or to care for herself, then dies at home, that the finger will be pointed at you.

Notify adult social and the GP in writing of how she is (the lack of self care and attitude) and your concerns about her health.

Sorry you’re going through this.

take pics of your mum if possible and write detailed notes about her symptoms.

make an appointment at the doctor in her name and you go on your own and talk about her. They can’t discuss her with you, but you can tell them.

This puts the ball back in their court - you are informing them that she is a vulnerable person. You can’t cope with this on your own. Does your mum have Marfans too?

No, i think it came from my dad's side but I've never had contact with him except once when I was so ill in hospital, they contacted him because they didn't think I'd make it but have had no contact. What do you think the doctors could do if she refuses help?

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm glad ure feeling well. I thought it might be gallstones too as Ur symptoms are identical to URS. Xx

Move out then ring Social services telling them that there is a vulnerable person living in the property.

Have you tried explaining that she's too depressed to leave the house? (Sorry - you may well have done so.)

You call adult ss and report with photosif you have them .
You tell gp.
Then let them do something send ambulance whatever
Your conscience is then clear .
They wilhave to deal with her.
When she dies at home there will be inquiry and maybe coroner report so you want to be able to say you did what you could and alerted gp and ss.
She will die and likely from this illness. Do your reports.

If she won't leave house she is housebound

She's 68 and your sister's 56? Still, she doesn't sound like she's going to put the fear of God into experienced paramedics.

I'm afraid I don't remember exactly - this is about 15 years ago and he had a lot of illnesses in his last few years and was in and out of hospital many times. It wasn't this that killed him though - he lived on a few years after that. Perhaps they just tweaked his many medications. I just remember the nice paramedic telling him that yes, sir, you are yellow, and yes, this does need investigation etc, and then he was co-operating instead of brushing off silly me who fusses about nothing.

Whatever you do don't do someone is going to tell you you're wrong. So first think is to accept there is no "good" solution. Then you decide which version of being told you are wrong/sworn at you can live with best and go for it. As long as she has capacity you are caught between a rock and a hard place (those of us with experience of elderly parents are often only too familiar with that one). But if I were in your place I would email the GP and adult social services and give details in concise bullet points then step back. Including a photo showing skin colour is a good idea.

Adult ss and gp can make an assessment if she has capacity to refuse treatment or not.
Leave to them.
If she very obviously and visibly ill they can make a decision.
Inform report and leave to them .

That is your responsibility. Hand it over.
Talk to a therapist if you need to . Accept you cannot control the outcome.

Why are you living with her?
Is it possible you are enabling her belligerence? Could you move out so she’d be forced to take care of herself?

I couldnt leave her on own, it wouldn't be right. She can be mean and down right evil but she's still my mum and I couldn't bear it if something did happen to her and she was alone. Xx

Well you are there and something is happening to her right in front of you. Do you continue to watch her deteriorating or act?

So, you must get her to gp or get the gp to attend or call 999 to attend and if you need to be elsewhere while she shouts then leave them to it.

Do you not see that by being there, you are enabling her behaviour?