Men who abandon their kids

[Rafhjj]

It never ceases to amaze me that men from all walks of life are capable of this. Yes of course women are too… but what is it about men that it seems to happen far more often? I cannot comprehend how someone can leave their own child and carry on with their life and ignore their existence. My sister brought up her Dd alone and the dad quite literally just got on with his life after meeting baby when she was a few weeks old.

There are many many reasons why parents don’t always end up in their children’s lives when they’re growing up. It is not always black and white, there is a huge grey area in between.

I have had to sadly watch my husbands child from a previous relationship be turned against him for years. And no I am not a sucker of a woman who believes the story of the “crazy ex” from their new partner. I’ve witnessed it all first hand and even tried welcoming her into my home when we first met which wasn’t met well.

Also my mother was not in my own life as a child. This was due to poor mental health.

Wow. Awful, awful man.

I believe that some/most men don’t like children because they take up too much time, space and money. Their partners put the children first and they don’t like the lack of attention.

I also believe that it’s a sad fact that if you are contemplating a marriage or partnership with the person you love (for now) - you should consider what will happen to any children you may have. Will you be fighting for EOW, half the holidays or who gets Christmas Day? Or will you be chasing the CSA for payments or arguing over who buys the school uniform this term?

Growing up, there was a family that lived opposite that was a mum, dad and one daughter. The dad was so devoted and lovely. He’d buy them both flowers every Friday. She was the absolute apple of his eye. I can remember wishing my dad was more like him.

The parents got divorced and the dad moved on and had more children with someone else. He’s not seen his daughter in years. He didn’t acknowledge her 21st, her graduation, her 30th. I would have never expected that of him.

A lot of people mention feckless useless men who leave their child as a baby, but it’s just as often seemingly committed loving fathers who just up and leave one day, then prioritise their new girlfriends kids and leave their original family devastated because they never thought he was ‘one of those’ dads. It’s often the ones you would never expect.

Imo men tend to love the children of the women they are with, while they are with them.

This is my ex to a tee. He was desperate for us to have kids. We had multiple rounds of IVF that he funded. He jumped up and down like his team had won the cup final when they said it was twins. He spent hours with name books trying to find the perfect names.

The first few months he was all over them - fed them, changed them, got up for night feeds even when it wasn't necessary. Just the perfect dad.

Then he met someone else, decided to join the military and walked away. Didn't see them for 18 months, and even then it was only because he discovered his parents were seeing them after they approached me desperate to stay in touch with their grandchildren.

He's done the same twice more. Once to a woman he married and had three kids with. I have limited sympathy for her as she was very open about preferring him not having contact with my girls. Yet she was absolutely stunned when he did the same to her.

The last one had no idea he had any children at all until she was pregnant with their second child. He's not set eyes on their children since she kicked him out.

The only time he's interested in any of the kids now is if he has a new girlfriend and he's trying to impress. Then he's all about threatening court and wanting his rights 🙄

My view varies on whether it was planned or unplanned and how he responded to an unplanned pregnancy.

The gender imbalance does not surprise me as if a woman REALLLLY does not want motherhood then even an accidental pregnancy does not have to result in motherhood.

Men who decide that the end of a relationship with a woman means abandoning the kids are the ones who baffle me.

Society allows men to do it

Basically what I was trying to say!

My brother and niece both had experiences with unplanned pregnancies at 20.

Neither wanted parenthood.

My brother - tough shit - you’re now a dad.

My niece terminated the pregnancy and moved on with her life.

Agreed. I went on a date once with a man who said the above.

Red Flag 1 - what did you do/not do, that she won't let you see them?
Red Flag 2 - when asked what he had done to challenge this, he shrugged
Red Flag 3 - he had 2 more kids with 2 more women since

I think there's a lot of truth in this. My ExDp I thought, loved our daughter very much. She's long grown up, in her early 30s. Partner and I split messily last autumn (he's a cheater). He's hardly seen his daughter since and when they did meet, it was at her instigation. I'm so sad for DD. What a sad father figure she has.

With my friends, it’s definitely been the man pushing the idea of children. They all had their children on the later side though (35-45), and have all been very active and present fathers. It’s much easier for a woman to not have to go through with a pregnancy she doesn’t want in this country (which a couple of my friends did).

I think it’s also the general acceptance of it all though. I met a lady recently who’s child lived predominantly with their father and I admit I was a bit taken aback, where I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if it was the other way around.

If it wasn’t so unusual and it was accepted that either parent could leave, I wonder how many women would just get up and walk knowing they would not be the social pariah they would be now?

Or just wear a condom.

My ex was actually a stay at home dad until our kids were 5 and 8. Sadly, he had a mental breakdown due to schizophrenia and we broke up due to behaviours I just couldn't cope with (he wasn't a danger, but he became secretive, unpredictable and paranoid).

He had been a great dad and the kids loved him, it was devastating for them. He's never kept up regular contact, which I believe is is due to his illness. He lives in sheltered accommodation, and has not been in work or a relationship, I think he holds an element of shame in his situation which is creating a barrier. Even with numerous interventions from his family we can't get through to him.

There's absolutely no animosity between us, but it has been very hard to come to terms with, especially for the 2 boys. I can't help thinking that if he was a mother then there might have been more support and therapy to help him maintain a relationship with his boys - who i know for a fact he loves. I personally think that being away from his kids has made him FAR worse. But there is a stereotype that men can cope fine without their kids, they don't have the same bond or whatever, I don't think that's always the case.

I don’t think they “wait until the end of their fertility window then settle”.

It simply takes them that long to find a partner.

Age does not dictate when a man walks.

Yes. Lots of people in the thread saying women need to pick fathers more carefully, but I don't think there's any way to tell - the most seemingly-devoted fathers can completely lose interest once they leave.

Of course the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, so there's really no excuse for picking a man who's already abandoned one (or more) families.

I also think the fact it's socially acceptable plays a big part in it.

My ex only paid CM to me when I contact his senior officers and they made very clear to him that they'd look very dimly on him dodging it. He claimed I hadn't given him my bank details and that he'd never financially neglect his children. His fury when his CO said "that's good that now you've got her bank details you can send all of it, you've been saving it right?" was both phenomenal and hilarious.

He stopped paying his ex wife the second he left the military. No one he respected cared so he didn't pay. Showed instantly that his reason for paying me wasn't anything to do with the girls - it was just about not looking bad.

Same reason why he'd get in touch demanding contact and threatening court when he had a new girlfriend who thought he should be a decent dad.

He was absolutely outraged a while back when a new girlfriend told the exes he owes CM to about his job and salary after he bragged to her about not paying them as he should. He genuinely feels betrayed and hard done by.

Despite all of the above he once again has a new girlfriend. This time he's all over social media playing stepdad of the year to her kids. And no doubt she'll be shocked when he ditches them as soon as they split up.

@Complet
I think it’s also the general acceptance of it all though. I met a lady recently who’s child lived predominantly with their father and I admit I was a bit taken aback, where I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if it was the other way around.

My friend’s (female) ex (male) as primary custody of their son and most people react like you or worse! Despite it being mutually agreed. So I agree with you.

I actually think a lot of men do want kids, in the sense that they like the idea of having offspring in a primal, passing on the genes kind of way. They just don't want to be parents. It's just seed-spreading for some of them.

Well that's what "love" evolved for isn't it - to get men to stick around when babies come so they can feed their woman and children. It's a failure of nature when they up and run and our Society allows it.
Perhaps in our distant past men were cast out from the tribe if they failed to provide for their children, or killed.
Love is supposed to be the glue that bonds a couple together, so if the love goes.........

NAMALT obviously.

My parents married young and waited a good few years to have children. They had several and then one day he left. We were devastated. He walked away and had nothing to do with us again either physically or financially. It’s so hard to understand. He was our dad and we were his kids. And then he was gone. I can understand falling out of love with a partner but why is kids? He went on to have another family almost immediately. Which I believe many years later he left again. But stayed in touch with those children. It’s very hard not to take it personally. Consequently I have low levels of trust or expectations of men.

My ex husband hasn't seen his 3 children since 2014.

Bastard.

Absolute bastard.

It’s the patriarchy

Ex hasnt seen DD for nearly 3 years, i have no idea why he wont see her, probably because he hates me more than he loves DD.

She saw him at his parents house on fathers day as she was dropping a card off for him and he was there, he gave her hugs and told her he loved her and they all need to go out, but hasnt contacted her since. He is more interested in his AP and her kids than his own.

I dont have his phone number, email address or even where he lives. I always think that if DD was seriously ill in hospital i would have no way of letting him know.

I think this is very true. Childfree friends of mine actually did not find it as easy to find men who never wanted kids. They wanted children just not to parent them. They want a “legacy” though.