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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it just me or is this weird?...

39 replies

DaisiesAndDonuts · 01/09/2025 21:03

So...
My Brother in law and his wife have 3 kids. Their youngest is a girl and is almost 4.
She is massively babied. Still in nappies, still has dummy all the time not just for bed. Still drinking from a bottle(milk and juice/water). They also wrap her up and push her around in a pram when out and about and I'm pretty sure from photos that she's still in a cot. They also encourage babyish talk like dada,mama and botbot(for bottle). Things like that.
I'm getting quite concerned by this. I think it's really weird behaviour. My husband says he thinks it's weird but probably just babying her because she's their last child but it's far past just being babied. It's like they think she's still actually a baby.
I think I'm worried because they've done some other crazy stuff in the past like fake illnesses and lie to the whole family just to get benefits and also has convinced their eldest that he's autistic and to behave in a certain way around people(he's not allowed to talk to anyone, just looks at the floor when being spoken to and has to wear a chew toy around his neck) but when we look after him he's a completely different child. Very happy and chatty, fully engages with our children and plays with them, definitely no signs of autism what so ever when he's not around his parents but completely changes around them.
Is this called Munchausen??
I want to report them to social services but I doubt they would believe me. What would I even say?.
Would this worry anyone else, particularly the babying the 4yr old. Well all of it actually.or am I being OTT?.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisiesAndDonuts · 01/09/2025 21:05

Forgot to add that she is very tiny for 4. She's probably height of a 2 year old but that's obviously just down to genetics.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 01/09/2025 21:05

Munchausen-by-proxy.

And yes, it all sounds very fucking weird.

ThereIsThunderInOurHearts · 01/09/2025 21:09

I'm not a safeguarding expert, but with the older child, that could (and indeed shpuld) be classed as abuse. Speak to the NSPCC helpline. Good luck and well done for being the concerned adult that those children need.

hoarahloux · 01/09/2025 21:11

TimeForTeaAndG · 01/09/2025 21:05

Munchausen-by-proxy.

And yes, it all sounds very fucking weird.

No, it's no longer called that. Fabricated or induced illness (FII).

It sounds like they're babying her to a ridiculous degree, but what you say about their eldest is just as worrying. He has to wear a chew toy and isn't allowed to talk to anyone?? It sounds an incredibly abusive situation.

Definitely report and tell them exactly what you say here. A malnourished, tiny 4 year old still in nappies, not allowed to walk (pushed in a buggy), and an older child as you describe.

hoarahloux · 01/09/2025 21:12

Oh wait, "lie about illness to get benefits"?

Really? As if that's how it works.

TimeForTeaAndG · 02/09/2025 11:59

hoarahloux · 01/09/2025 21:11

No, it's no longer called that. Fabricated or induced illness (FII).

It sounds like they're babying her to a ridiculous degree, but what you say about their eldest is just as worrying. He has to wear a chew toy and isn't allowed to talk to anyone?? It sounds an incredibly abusive situation.

Definitely report and tell them exactly what you say here. A malnourished, tiny 4 year old still in nappies, not allowed to walk (pushed in a buggy), and an older child as you describe.

Show quote history

Oh I didn't know it had changed name. Thank you!

Cakeandcoffee93 · 02/09/2025 12:01

They’re claiming disability for kids by the sounds of it

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/09/2025 12:04

This sounds really worrying and something that SS / the NSPCC would need to know about.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 02/09/2025 12:15

Very weird!

Blissker · 02/09/2025 12:20

I would be a bit cautious. Extended family do often say this about autistic DC - "oh they are fine when they are with me"... then the child goes home, unmasks and spends the next 3 days not speaking and bashing their head against a wall trying to regulate. I think my family still think we are overanxious/making it up whereas 3 ed psychs, a psychiatrist, and about 8 schools including specialist ones see a very high needs autistic child who has been badly let down. At age 6 he was undiagnosed and we had years of "mum is anxious", "no he seems fine to me", "he is so well behaved" etc.

Children of course need to be safeguarded and concerns should be flagged. But be a bit careful about deciding you know better than the parents.

Sixpence39 · 02/09/2025 12:33

Does the youngest go to nursery? Might be good to do a safeguarding flag. Professionals may also be raising concerns, so your referral may help to build a wider picture for social services.

PicaK · 02/09/2025 12:55

She's 3. Nappies and dummies and cots aren't the end of the world.
My ex's family were also convinced I fabricated my ds's autiusm. It was so insulting when you consider the hoops needed and the length of the pathway to get a diagnosis. Have you not heard of masking? You're not their safe person - they have to mask and act up.

Firststop · 02/09/2025 13:00

I agree with PP an autistic child could be masking when with you, but your concerns are such that you should report them.

It's.not your role to decide whether the concerns are valid, just to raise them with the professionals when you are concerned.

It's unlikely that one report will bring action, but if the school has similar (or different) worries, it can all help with the overall picture.

Lafufufu · 02/09/2025 13:00

😮😮😮😮
Their poor son!

💯 report them
The whole situation sounds insane

MyLimeGuide · 02/09/2025 13:00

They sound vile. Keep a close eye, the older one sounds like more of a concern, can you email his teacher or his school? I doubt they will respond to you but no harm in sending this info to them as a safeguarding concern.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 02/09/2025 13:10

You can't just lie and get a diagnosis of autism, or coach a child into acting autistic,they speak to school or nursery too and get a clear picture, as well as assessments of the child.

If the parents were so keen to trick you all for the millions they get in benefits (which you dont automatically get with a diagnosis, and you need to evidence the impact any disability has on your life) they wouldnt leave their child with you either.

Also the way autism can present is the child will mask around people and then they can be themselves around their safe people (usually a parent).

If her brother is autistic then it's likely the 4yo is also autistic from what you've described here.

In all honesty I think you're just out to cause drama, but you should report so it can be looked into, and it may even trigger some help for the parents because that's bloody hard to come by, especially when you have family who don't have your best interests at heart.

StayALittleLonger · 02/09/2025 13:10

If you’re worried that the children are in danger, then you should report them.

As a pp has said though, the older child could very well be masking when with you. The younger child could have some additional needs to that you’re not aware of.

Because there is so much judgement and also to respect their children’s privacy, some people don’t always share medical info with family, especially ones they don’t trust.

This post doesn’t read like it’s written purely out of concern, so it’s possible you are just not the type of person they feel comfortable sharing their children’s medical information with.

Iloveeverycat · 02/09/2025 13:23

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/09/2025 12:04

This sounds really worrying and something that SS / the NSPCC would need to know about.

This, That does sound very strange. How old is the eldest. Did they tell you themselves that they are told how to behave around other people. Are either of them in nursery or school.

InBedBy10 · 02/09/2025 13:29

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 02/09/2025 13:10

You can't just lie and get a diagnosis of autism, or coach a child into acting autistic,they speak to school or nursery too and get a clear picture, as well as assessments of the child.

If the parents were so keen to trick you all for the millions they get in benefits (which you dont automatically get with a diagnosis, and you need to evidence the impact any disability has on your life) they wouldnt leave their child with you either.

Also the way autism can present is the child will mask around people and then they can be themselves around their safe people (usually a parent).

If her brother is autistic then it's likely the 4yo is also autistic from what you've described here.

In all honesty I think you're just out to cause drama, but you should report so it can be looked into, and it may even trigger some help for the parents because that's bloody hard to come by, especially when you have family who don't have your best interests at heart.

Edited

You absolutely can lie and get a diagnosis, i personally know people who knew how to play the game and definitely lied to get a diagnosis and then benefits. I know this because they brag about it. Its infuriating when genuine people are struggling to get what they are entitled to.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 02/09/2025 13:32

InBedBy10 · 02/09/2025 13:29

You absolutely can lie and get a diagnosis, i personally know people who knew how to play the game and definitely lied to get a diagnosis and then benefits. I know this because they brag about it. Its infuriating when genuine people are struggling to get what they are entitled to.

Show quote history

Sure, everyone on MN knows people faking disabilities and then telling everyone all about it as well as how much money they get.

You can get benefits without diagnosis, and you can get a diagnosis and not be entitled to benefits at all.

CherryBlossom321 · 02/09/2025 13:40

InBedBy10 · 02/09/2025 13:29

You absolutely can lie and get a diagnosis, i personally know people who knew how to play the game and definitely lied to get a diagnosis and then benefits. I know this because they brag about it. Its infuriating when genuine people are struggling to get what they are entitled to.

Show quote history

There is no “game” to be played. Diagnosis doesn’t rely purely on what parents say. There are a series of assessments carried out by a multidisciplinary panel to determine the outcome. In fact, what parents share generally doesn’t hold much value in the process compared with professional observation. Successful DLA claims also rely on feedback and evidence from various professionals.

Welcometoshowbusiness · 02/09/2025 13:46

I would be careful OP. In-laws often think, or want to think, that kids are fine when they’re actually not. It’s quite common and very frustrating for the parent involved.

Of course you could be right also and the parents are being abusive. I would proceed but cautiously. The most important thing is to protect the children, but just be aware you could have got things wrong here.

Sera1989 · 02/09/2025 14:15

Are you sure that the 4yo doesn’t have SEN or a disability that they haven’t disclosed? Is she small but normal and they baby her, or does she have developmental delays like she actually can’t talk like other children her age?
If they are faking illnesses of the children I would report to SS (fabricated illness is abuse and can cause mental trauma for the child)

BauhausOfEliott · 02/09/2025 14:20

She's 3. Nappies and dummies and cots aren't the end of the world

All of those things, in combination, are odd for an almost-four-year-old with no special needs. She's almost old enough to be starting school.

OP, I would share your concerns.

hydriotaphia · 02/09/2025 14:21

Social services will believe you. Call them. This does sound potentially abusive sadly. If she is small she may not be getting fed properly (are they giving her milk instead of food), and even if this is not the case this sounds wrong.