Do I collect the kids, from ex house when he collect after school

[ForLoudUmberScroller]

want to hear some opinions, I’ve always collected my children from ex house after he’s had them for a few hours after school 3 times a week. We use to co parent great , but now it’s down to minimal communication. I put this down to the new gf as only started since they’ve been together. So after years of collecting them after he’s given them tea, I’ve now said I will not be collecting them, he can bring them to my home (5-10 min walk ) he said he cannot commit to that! What do I do? I have to stop my day to collect them am I being selfish?

If they are aged between 8-14 and its a 5-10 min walk, can they walk themselves? Your eldest drop you a text to say they they are on their way so you can expect them home soon after?

Maybe for the reason everything on how he communicates with me , dictates things to me . It could also be the fact he wants a life to live , but no extra time with his kids . I’m all for him being happy we’ve been split up a long time . My kids benefit from both parents being happy and respecting each other.

tbh I wouldn’t feel comfortable, 2 have additional needs and are not safe without an adult

The risk is you push back and he says ok, no problem, I just won’t have them at all then. Would that really be better for you?

It sounds like you’re only really trying to change it out of spite that he has a new girlfriend, if you need those child free evenings I would just continue as is.

So no CAO, no maintenance, no over nights, 10 hours contact per week, ignores his own dc when out shopping. DC with additional needs and mental health concerns. Blimey @ForLoudUmberScrollerthat’s a lot on your plate.

I get it now. Yes, it’s only a short walk to collect the children. But it is yet another thing on the to do list.

Perhaps suggest taking it in turns. One week you collect, the next week he walks them back.

possibly , however I’ve tried many years for him to have the kids longer than 10 hours week . Before the gf. So if he can have a new relationship why can he not have a better one with his kids first?

He collects from school 3.30-6 3 times a week

Ok may suggest every other week . Thank you. I’m really not trying to be unreasonable with the situation

Oh my god, please say you promptly left that!?

I didn’t join, I didn’t respond tbh I think I was

1. in shock that she had the audacity to even think about parenting my children that she’s maybe met 2 once. 2) even spoken to me
2. the disrespect from their dad for even all over to do it. ( maybe I’m wrong on this one but I felt hurt, we’ve managed to parent really well for the 7 year we split up so why now? )

Put a claim in for CSM. He needs to financially support his DC
Arrange for a later time if you are collecting, say 7 or 8pm depending on kids bedtime as you have things to do.
He will either find time to return them or you get an extra hour.

He think the trust fund money is contributing , he also use to offer help for school uniforms shoes etc I haven’t thought about collecting them later tbh thank you for the idea

Let’s face it - no maintenance, no overnights. 10 hours a week and “can’t commit” to a 10 minute walk… he’s not a co-parent so much as a babysitter. That’s not the new GFs doing, if he wanted to be a proper dad then he would be a proper dad.
If you don’t want to rock the boat, just keep the babysitter sweet. You only need him for a few more years then you won’t need him anymore.

Yes I am struggling tbh . I don’t think I’m depressed just struggling .

I refuse to drive my kids anywhere, he moved away (40 minutes) and has an electric car. I don't get much free time, school to school pick ups are better. You need to start not driving them, not swap halfway through.

I get that. I suppose I’m just fighting a losing battle. I want the kids to spend time with their dad , they love their dad I just wish he would act more of a dad than the baby sitter ( for a start times where I could actually go out in the evening)

Well she can get f-ed with that Whatsapp group!

Yes. There’s nothing between us and never will be , but the kids need to see us get on as we were before.

He has them 10 hours a week , pays no maintenance and no overnights and you are speaking like she’s the one at fault 🙄

HE is being unreasonable. I’d be going for a CAO and proper maintenance. Don’t blame her she has a proper 50/50 agreement in place. BUT if you do think there is some controversy or control with the new GF even more important to get a CAO in place you might struggle to maintain contact arrangements, take them on holiday etc if you want to.

Can you do one pick up and he does one drop off? Split it? I understand it’s not fair but maybe the only way? Or just don’t collect them and see how long it takes from him to drop them back😂

Surely he needs to pay maintenance in these circumstances? He’s hardly having them at all, and no overnights.

It is ridiculous that his gf has created this group but I would just ignore.

At ages 8-14 can they walk themselves? I know you’ve said that two have additional needs, but not clear how severe these are. Not that it’s ideal neither of you want to make the journey but it might be good for teaching independence? My exh lives a similar walk away and DS 11 likes walking back and forth himself.

Or could you take it in turns?

I don't even know why this matters - why should OP always be the one to collect them? With 4 kids and the fatc his kids never stay over he should be able to drop them some of the time at least.

She doesn’t sound jealous at all - she sounds remarkably laid back in the circumstances.

If it’s “hardly walking up Everest” then it isn’t for him either!

It is surely a bit galling (not that the OP comes over as thinking this) that he has no time to have his kids more than 3 x 3 hours a week but he has time to find a new girlfriend/ pursue the relationship. On the flip side, the OP has zero prospect of starting a new relationship because she has the kids basically all the time.

Tbh the new gf isn't manipulating anything, the only one wanting to change something that has been normal for a long time is you and your change seems more like you want to be annoying suddenly not them which doesn't look great and why rock a boat that was fine. If you had been saying it was them wanting to change things then maybe I would have read it better but when I was a single mum similar situation I kept everything as it was when he met someone new and it stayed that way until the kids became late teens. I would rather not rock any boat and keep things smooth for my children.