To think adoption is often more about adults’ desires than children’s needs?

[MyNoisyGreyPombear]

It’s always framed as noble. But AIBU to think adoption sometimes fulfils adults’ wishes first, while the child’s trauma and identity issues get overlooked?

I don’t know how often it is the case, but it certainly sometimes is.

Quite a goady way of putting it 🤔

What has led you to that conclusion?

I'm pretty sure most adopters have to go through quite rigorous training about childhood trauma / attachment issues and so forth. They don't just hand you over a child and off you go into the sunset.

In what way? There are some cases where a child cannot remain in their parental home, and while it's generally better for a child to remain with their natal parents, in cases where that isn't possible, whether that's due to tragedy, unavailability or inability, then children have better outcomes placed in a family environment than they do in an institutional one.

It’s not ‘framed as ‘noble’ at all, other than by people who know nothing about it.

And while the process/assessment/matching is absolutely, and rightly, about finding families for children, not children for families, of course anyone entering into the adoption process does so simply because they want a child. Why else would they be doing it? What better reason would they have? People who adopt do so because they want to be parents, just like people trying to conceive.

ETA And anyone who enters the process with the idea this makes them some kind of Mother Teresa saviour-figure isn’t going to last long.

I' have never adopted a child, but I know that people who want to adopt have to go through a lot of assessment i don't think it's a simple process at all surely they would discuss the different needs of children with potential adopters.

Just from seeing how adoption stories are often told - they focus heavily on the adoptive parents’ journey, less on the child’s loss or long-term identity struggles. That imbalance made me wonder.

Having adopted from the uk care system - there is no way you can ever overlook the children’s trauma.

Both the training and preparation before and the social work assessment was do based around the effects of trauma.

was under no illusions as to what these poor kids had been through.

even still - it was a shock as nothing prepared you for living with a severely traumatised child and the impact it has on all your lives.

best thing I ever did adopting - but also one of the hardest journeys ever.

did I adopt for ‘selfish reasons’ - yes I did - I wanted a child.

but I think my child did ok out of my ‘selfishness’ - a forever home, no more shunting around the care and foster system, no more abuse or neglect - parents who loved them and did everything to support them educationally, emotionally , physically. Of course they have a huge loss in their life from losing their birth parents and the trauma and attachment issues around this are immense.

but we stick by them through thick and thin and adore them snd parent them and love them and fight for them. Their birth parents were sadly not able to provide that.

That’s every single procreation decision.

I used to work in that field. There is a lengthy assessment period.

Children that can’t be cared for by their patents/extended family, for whatever reasons, are left with two options.

Either an adoptive family, or different foster carers/a children’s home.

Adoption usually provides the best outcomes for the child.

I think previously it was, but not so much anymore. Adopters have to go through a lot of training and it’s a tough process to be approved and things that used to be allowed, like changing the children’s name etc are not allowed anymore unless there are specific safeguarding reasons, and there are a lot more open adoptions (where contact with birth parents is permitted)

The UK system focusses heavily (and rightly so) on protecting the anonymity of the child. So adoption stories involving children (who are not yet adults) have to be told from the story of the adoptive parents because the child's story must be protected until they are ready to tell it for themselves. There are many memoirs by adopted children who articulate their experiences of loss, identity and adaptability, and those might tell the stories you are looking for......

Well obviously people who adopt want children, just like people who have biological children want children. That's not exactly a ground breaking revelation.

Told by whom? Adoptive parents aren’t going to bang on about their children’s lives with their birth family, or their foster carers, or what led to them being available for adoption, because that is not the parents’ story to tell. If the children choose to tell, that’s their decision, just as it’s their information.

I think what you are describing OP is a risk with adoption.

However, I also think that it's a recognised risk and it is why there are significant laws and protections around adoption. The state effectivly runs adoptions to be in the best interests of the child, so it is much more about what will be best for them, rather than the parents. And parents are educated about this and what it means for the children.

Surrogacy, otoh, is a free for all that is only about the commissioning adults and not at all about the child. Gamete donation also has issues in this regard.

Do you have personal experience of adoption, OP?

Possibly because the child's history is confidential.

But what’s the alternative? Not adopting and leaving kids in foster care?

The only people who think adopting is noble are ones that aren't in anyway remotely connected to adoption.
The training ensures any dewey eyed idealists are routed out if they even get past a welcome meeting.
And the one thing an adoptive parent needs is that absolute desire to have a child in their lives. That's what gets them through the toughest of times.

Having children via pregnancy also fulfills adults’ wishes.

In fact, I can’t think of a single scenario where having a child (through any means) is not as a result of an adult want.

(Only exception I can think of are certain cases of kinship fostering)

I said yanbu because I have worked in this field and I think many people start out considering adoption for "selfish" reasons because for whatever reason they've been unable to create or "complete" a family with biological children. Plus there are different forms and routes into adoption

However, there's a lot of work that goes on in the UK adoption system to ensure that adopters understand that this cannot be the reason why you adopt. For example couples who've experience of infertility will be expected to have ceased fertility treatment etc and to have sought support to come to terms with infertility before pursuing adoption. Because adoption should always center the child and their needs.

Private adoption/overseas adoption and adoption in other countries is very different and very much centers the prospective adoptive parents to the extent of people paying more for children of particular ethnic backgrounds or gender which is disgusting imo.

I absolutely think it's seen as "noble" which again is quite grim and can be extremely harmful to any adopted children if they're brought up hearing from society they should be "grateful" for what every child should be able to take for granted.

@MyNoisyGreyPombear

I really don't know where to start .....

So I'll just not bother

So you carry on thinking that whilst we adopters and foster carers who are in the trenches get on with the job of raising our children.

If we had a better resourced foster care system there are models that could work that would be potentially better for children long term but that's a very long way off for us in the UK.

Yes and no OP

In the UK adoption is to find a family for a child that cant live with anyone in their birth family.

In other countries, the US in particular its the other way round

In this country, as with many others there is, thankfully, now a much greater focus on maintaining relationships with birth family and adopters really need to be on board with that, but I do see lots of threads on here that show that people still find that a challenging concept.