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Original poster

Would you make child move school when if they don't want to?

40 replies

3gcsjh · 31/08/2025 20:51

Dd is meant to start year 3 and has been bullied at her current school for the last couple of years. We have an offer at another school but she doesn't want to move.

Her current school is terrible at dealing with bullying. One of the bullies has left but the other has now been moved into her class. Dd says she loves the school and everywhere has bullies - mainly she doesn't want to leave her friends, not that she has all that many.

However, when it's school time, she was really unhappy about the bullying, had nightmares, self harmed etc. Am at a loss about what to do. I would really love her to move as the current school is rubbish and SLT are ineffective, they also keep losing staff because of the lack of leadership, discipline in the school and decent support for SEN. Anyone else has been in such a situation? Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 31/08/2025 20:53

I think given the bigger picture in this case I would insist on a move. Her being anxious about changing is normal but it sounds like in the long run it should hopefully improve things

Original poster
3gcsjh · 31/08/2025 21:00

I just don't know how to insist on it or convince her that it's for the best.

OP posts:
ShodAndShadySenators · 31/08/2025 21:10

You're the parent, you have the knowledge and wisdom to appreciate factors that she doesn't, and you're acting in her best interests. When she's in school, she's very stressed by the bullying which will impact on her learning and her mental health. She might forget about that when she's not in the heat of the moment, you won't. She needs to feel safe in school so that she can be at her best.

The school are not being proactive about stopping pupils bullying. That's their job, and they're not doing it properly. Your job as parent is to make the right decisions for your DD and look after her to the best of your ability.

I would be sympathetic to her point of view but you're the boss. She'll understand one day.

Original poster
3gcsjh · 01/09/2025 08:32

Bump

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 01/09/2025 08:34

Meet half way, ask for a trail day in the new school.

She’ll be start of the show and will feel far more confident about going.

Silvertulips · 01/09/2025 08:35

We did a couple of half days and a full day - then she moved

Main reason was she was doing a half day event at the old school.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/09/2025 08:37

Yes I’d move her. I’d feel guilty and worried but ultimately if the bullying was bad enough a year 3 self harmed I would move her. There’s a line between teaching resilience and needing to protect your child. I’d also push back on the narrative everywhere has bullies.

MidnightPatrol · 01/09/2025 08:39

She’s not old enough to know what is best for her in this example IMO.

MIAMNER · 01/09/2025 08:45

Yes I would (and have) moved my DD in a similar situation (y5). She was very upset at first, and cried to go back, but within a few months completely blossomed at the new school and now agrees it was for the best. Y3 is so young, you have to make the decision for her. Keep reinforcing that you are putting her first, and that the old school isn’t good enough for her.

YouAndMeVsTheWorld · 01/09/2025 08:47

My kid really didn’t want to leave even though the bullying was terrible, after a final straw I made the decision and he was begging me not to move him, saying that the SLT might get better. Of course it won’t.

I’d already checked out the new school and had been assured that they would deal with similar situations. And they did. It was the best move. Kid had a great time, the systems were in place and much more fun and learning happened because everyone felt safe. Teachers and head know that I cry all the time in gratitude, but it is amazing how much a positive environment improves everything.

anyway moved in primary, now in secondary with some of the same children from the first school. My kid is a much more positive person, not bullied, and won’t stand for it if they see it. Has also heard from old peers that nothing changed, was just as awful for most of them.

your child will be scared, it’s hard to believe that a different school won’t be the same, but it really can be.

napody · 01/09/2025 08:49

Silvertulips · 01/09/2025 08:34

Meet half way, ask for a trail day in the new school.

She’ll be start of the show and will feel far more confident about going.

This is what I was going to suggest and worked for us.

alwayshungryhippo · 01/09/2025 08:51

She is unhappy, having nightmares and self harming in year 3, of course you move her. It’ll only damage her mental health even more. It’s understandable she says she doesn’t want to move as change can be difficult, but you really need to step up and do what’s in her best interests

Crazybigtoe · 01/09/2025 08:51

Move her.

Tell her she can maintain relationship with the friends she has... Suggest maybe a 'post summer party / catch up'.

Make sure the bully isn't going to the new school ..

I waited too long to move my son. Ended up moving him in year 6- sooo wish I had done it earlier. He was like a different child.

NevergonnagiveHughup · 01/09/2025 08:52

Almost no child will choose to embrace massive unknown change, even if they are miserable staying put.

Sometimes parents have to…….parent.

Do what you believe is best - not what she wants in the moment.

RubySquid · 01/09/2025 08:53

3gcsjh · 31/08/2025 21:00

I just don't know how to insist on it or convince her that it's for the best.

Edited

She's 7 isnt she? So not her choice

AnSolas · 01/09/2025 08:55

Move her. (Once the other school is good at stopping bullying.)

She will be able to keep in contact with her old friends if you work with the other child/ parents to meet up after school and on week ends.

And ahe will have a chance to make new friends.

But the scars of being bullied daily can follow her through her adult life.

She needs to learn about how to manage bullies (in so far as they can be "managed") a d how to manage her reactions. But it appears she is resigned to be being bullied in her current school.

LancashireButterPie · 01/09/2025 08:56

Self harming at 7-8?
I would suggest you see the GP urgently re this.

Crazybigtoe · 01/09/2025 08:56

One of the worst parenting decisions I made was to keep my son at the school he was being bullied at- believing that it would work out. It didn't.

Fizzfamm · 01/09/2025 09:05

LancashireButterPie · 01/09/2025 08:56

Self harming at 7-8?
I would suggest you see the GP urgently re this.

This was my thought. Any child self harming when they are a year 2 is a huge issue.

However, given this, there are 2 scenarios here ...

  1. your child is mentally unwell and needs access to CAMHS support, plus the school needs reporting to ofsted if they are not effectively dealing with bullying to the extent that it is leading to a child self harming. This is a HUGE safeguarding risk and I cannot imagine a school / education setting that would not take severe action.

  2. your view of this situation is very skewed and although you've been unhappy with the way your daughter is being treated it is being managed ok by the school, as you don't know exactly what happens behind those doors. You'd like to think that the whole school was safeguarding children effectively. The school have probably put the 2 girls in a class together because they know there isn't a huge drama like you've told us.

Kindly op, I find it hard to believe that a school in this day and age would genuinely put 2 children as you've described together in a class, because having them together is a huge safeguarding risk if what you've described is 100% accurate.

Ratafia · 01/09/2025 09:06

Children never want to move schools, especially at this sort of age, but if they have to they cope with it fine. My niece and nephew had to move at respectively ages 6 and 10 because they were moving 200 miles away. The 10 year old is on the autistic spectrum, and neither was happy about the move. They were both fully settled in to their new school within a short time and ended up preferring it to their old one.

Goodideaornot · 01/09/2025 09:07

3gcsjh · 31/08/2025 21:00

I just don't know how to insist on it or convince her that it's for the best.

Edited

As per the other pps, yes you should move her. You don’t actually need to convince her . You just need to explain the reasoning and organise the move. She may not like it but you’re the grown up and know it’s likely to be for the best.

Original poster
3gcsjh · 01/09/2025 09:17

She has threatened that she will be unhappy and refuse to go to school if I move her.

OP posts:
Original poster
3gcsjh · 01/09/2025 09:21

Her dad is also against the move and supports the narrative that all schools have bullies.

OP posts:
Thfvfdvvvvtgbynynyn · 01/09/2025 09:26

My DD had an issue with bullying at this sort of age. She also insisted on staying in the school when I suggested moving, and I wish I had ignored her insistence. It chipped away at her confidence in school and now she has selective mutism and people pleases the few friends she has for fear of being bullied. The effects are very hard to unpick and more than likely it wouldn’t have come to this if I’d trusted my parent instincts. If I could go back in time I would move her.

AnSolas · 01/09/2025 09:26

3gcsjh · 01/09/2025 09:17

She has threatened that she will be unhappy and refuse to go to school if I move her.

So what?

Her life is not all kittens and delights now is it?

She is self-harming.
You tell her its not a decision she gets to make. Full stop. You tell her you are the adult and your job is not to be her friend or be nice it is to be a parent and order her and force her to do what is best for her long term health and getting a bully free education is number one on you list.

If you need to ask for time off in the mornings and escort her into the new school.

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