Does your adult child tell you when they are coming?

[aloob]

I have a son who lives on the sane town and he pops in from time to time but never lets us know when he’s coming.
He popped in tonight and just used his key to let himself in and I was sitting in my nighty slightly uncomfortable.
I love to see him but is it unreasonable to ask him to let me know he’s coming or do families just expect to walk in and find you as you are?

Sad!

I'm quite sad imagining a life where I'm always home ready to receive drop ins.

Since my youngest DC moved out, I'm out of the house a lot. And if I'm home, you might find me in a very compromising position if you let yourself in unannounced.

Mine used to do that, but after 2 occasions when he has called round when I had popped to the corner shop, then left thinking I was out for the evening, he now texts first.

I’m so glad it’s not just me and mine!

I live 2 mins from my parents. I left home over 30 years ago. My kids and I just let ourselves in, as and when.

They have their own keys to my home and use them freely.

Not the case with my brother and his wife. She keeps her family close, not ours.

Our front and back door are unlocked all day unless we're out. We don't have yale locks. If we wanted privacy we'd lock them.

Occasionally I've dropped in on them, usually because I've passed their house on my way to the shops when they've had a sick child at home to see if they needed anything. I don't want to come in though. One works from home so that's a no no.

We live in the same village which probably makes a difference.

Ah OP he is your son, you brought him up, he doesn’t care you are in your night dress and nor should you. My parents hate me ringing the doorbell to get in! At 46 they say that it is my home and I should not ring the doorbell to get in. I keep forgetting my key. I have even ended up getting a taxi to my parents after a night out unannounced and staying the night. I have an aunt whose house is never locked and if you call in unannounced you could make tea, use the loo and leave a note🥰 I just can’t imagine ever being unhappy to see my kids.

My mum always wants me to warn her so she can have biccies in etc so I do, but I hate it, I’m coming to see my home and db as much as I’m coming to see her (which I could never say of course) and I do really want to see her but I also want to flop on the couch with a cuppa and watch tv!!!!! Calling makes it a ‘let's sit at the kitchen table as if this is a big formal thing’ thing!!!

But you moved out?
So it's not your home...

Home isn't a place.

Mine don’t have keys, but my doors are never locked if I’m home. One lives 45 minutes away, so usually calls to check someone’s in, the other is just around the corner, and mostly doesn’t. Neither of my daughters-in-law let themselves in ( they’d be welcome to) but one will turn up without notice now and then - she normally sends a grandchild down the path ahead of her!

I have one child who lives away so when they come it’s to stay for a night or two, so yes of course it’s all planned

the others all just let themselves in they might send a message to tell me they’re on the way but that’s normally because it’s near a meal time and they want feeding !. I love the fact they do this, I don’t care if I’m in the shower taking a nap stuffing my face whilst watching daytime tv. I’m their mum they’ve seen all there is to see.

BlondieMuver

It’ll always be your home once your family/ remnants of your family are there. Most people I know say home for where they live and wherever they’re from. Plus I lived there longer than anywhere else!!

Mine don't live in the same town.

My ds often texts me late on a Friday night to ask if the spare room is made up, he's on his way (either to see us or old friends) and will be stopping overnight.

My dds both let me know the night before or same day.

If they lived in the same town I can imagine them just popping over the same as your son.

Having said that, if you're uncomfortable it's not unreasonable to ask for a quick heads up as you don't want to get caught out in your nightie again.

We have a word for it here in Wales Hiraeth. A blend of longing and nostalgia. Even when we have a lovely holiday away. When we come down Rhuallt Hill and the mountains come into view I always think ahh home .

There’s popping round on the off chance as 5mins away from each other and letting self in unannounced

totally different and I feel if you don’t live there you don’t let your self in and ring the bell

Yes can just drop in whenever. Also can just go into the fridge and cupboards without asking. It’s just my family home even though I don’t properly live there anymore.

I just can’t imagine ever being unhappy to see my kids. @HardworkSendHelp

Op specifically said she loves seeing her son but felt uncomfortable, which isnt the same as being unhappy to see him.

Op everyone has different levels of comfort and privacy. I don't think you have any reason to feel uncomfortable being in your nightie, unless it was quite revealing, in which case quickly grab a cardigan. At the same time, if you're going to be sat on edge every night wondering when he might pop in, it's okay to ask him to text ten mins beforehand.

I hate people coming unannounced and always contact people and expect to be contacted before a visit but there's something about my MILs house that is just different.
It's like the family hub and no one would ever think of ringing before going, she loves it though, everyone is in and out of her house, maybe this is the vibe your son is getting, he might still see if as his home.

Aldi speak to them both most days on the phone- sometimes me calling them, sometimes them calling me.

Wow, as if their wide range of quality everyday groceries, their mystery aisles of wonder and their very keen prices and free cardboard boxes weren't enough already...

I think it's an extension of the principle of when they're still young and living at home, but growing.

When they're toddlers, they're always running in and out of the toilet to find you and dashing around the house naked. When they're teenagers, they appreciate - need - more privacy. When they're 'proper' adults, and have made new households of their own, the desire for privacy increases both for them and for you.

It doesn't mean that you don't still love each other just as much, or that you aren't as close; but it's a different, more mature, kind of 'close'.

I live 5 mins away from mine, and 99.9% of the time I message to arrange popping over. I occasionally spontaneously arrive to drop something over or the like, but message when I’m on the drive to say I’m there and not to worry about seeing me if they’re not dressed/in the mood for visitors etc.

To my little mind it’s respectful to arrange visits even if it’s very short notice - they’ve done their time of kids around 24/7 and are perfectly entitled to not be on call whenever I want to pop by!

My DH’s family is the complete opposite and just walk in each others houses which I find very strange, but he thinks the same of mine notifying each other.

This

or might be having a quickie 😂

I know what you mean about the "thing" thing. My dad's side of the family would never have the TV or music on when anyone visited - everyone just sat there looking at each other and trying to make pleasant conversation over the silence. Everything was arranged well in advance.

Bit tricky to know which way to vote as mine are all very welcome to call if they are passing, but now they no longer live here, they knock rather than using their key.
I'd hate to think any of my dc ever felt they needed an appointment to be able to visit, or that they ever didn't stop if they were passing and wanted to see us for any reason.

Realistically, they do tend to message to see if one of us is in though, as there's no point in coming if we aren't.

So I'll be picking splinters out for a while from my fence sitting.

I have warned mine to call. We are happy and frisky empty nesters!