Does your adult child tell you when they are coming?

[aloob]

I have a son who lives on the sane town and he pops in from time to time but never lets us know when he’s coming.
He popped in tonight and just used his key to let himself in and I was sitting in my nighty slightly uncomfortable.
I love to see him but is it unreasonable to ask him to let me know he’s coming or do families just expect to walk in and find you as you are?

This thread is so sad.

My parents, siblings - we all have keys to each others houses and all just pop in and out and let ourselves in. I can’t imagine a world where I will ever not be pleased that my DC has just let themselves into their family home.

Usually they’ll call or text but one just pops round and lets himself in. I’ve suggested that he lets us know beforehand lest he catches us in flagrante on the living room floor, but he takes no notice. I don’t think he really believes that we still have sex.

DH and I wouldn’t dream of doing that to our parents - we always ring before to check they’re around/ok with us popping in and we ring the doorbell even though we have keys. We’d expect the same back! Everyone is different though and if you aren’t comfortable just ask for a heads up next time!

Did you not wear nighties when he lived with you? My DC are still at home oldest is 16. I don't know how I will feel when they move out but I'm completely relaxed when they're here now so I can't see me minding them just turning up after they move out.

I would always expect someone to message before coming over, it's just polite. I would never pop in anywhere either without asking before hand.
I would also never leave my door unlocked.

Well, ours always let us know (in fact we usually arrange their visits a week or two before,) because they live 15-18 miles away. It would be daft for them to come without warning, (or us to do it to them,) because we may not be in.

Also, I work from home - 18 hours a week, and DH works 27 hours a week, (not WFH,) so I could be busy working, and DH might not be in. He works nights too, so may be in bed!

I have a busy life too, and I have several hobbies, and friends, and am likely to be busy when they turn up. And they would not appreciate me and DH just rocking up as they are busy career people, with lots of friends, and hobbies, and a busy social life.

It's a different world now for many (than what it was pre early 1980s,) as many people live some miles away from their parents, many more women work, and many people have more hobbies and interests these days than 40+ years ago that involve leaving the house. And some people work from home now. So it's not feasible for people to just turn up when they feel like it with no warning, and expect to be entertained, and expect people to just drop everything they're doing - or planning.

I mean if my adult DC did turn up and I was busy, I wouldn't be angry or pissed off that they'd come unexpected, more a little disappointed that they have come all this way and I can't give them the time I would like to, and spend time with them. If they give me a heads-up, I could possibly re-arrange stuff ...

I don’t think it’s “sad” to want privacy in your own home.

Our sons turn up often with grandchildren. They raid the fridge, biscuits, drinks. We wouldn't have it any other way.

I agree, it's not sad at all, completely normal and frankly healthy.

Are you posting from 1973?

In our family… we all have keys to each others. The “rule” is - either text/call and arrange in advance and then let yourself I at that time… but if unannounced, ring the doorbell and wait

I'm not a grown child, but a DIL. I'll usually give MIL a heads up I'm coming over, but more so I can check if she needs milk, wants lunch or anything picking up from the chippy on the way in!
If it wasn't for that, then I'd just turn up with the kids...
I do tend to visit 2 or 3 times a week though. She says I can turn up whenever, but we're also odd in the fact that despite splitting with her son, I take her on holiday with me and the kids, so we're used to seeing each other in our pj's.

No, just present day where we’re all just accepting of our children thinking their home is their home 😂

My local adult kids just pop in whenever they want but my further away adult kids tend to tell me in advance. They’ve all got keys. Sometimes they have all agreed to meet at my house but they forget to tell me. It’s lovely. It’s my house but it is their house too and it always will be. I always let them know if I’m popping to their houses though. I think that’s different.

That made me laugh. My kids all own their own homes and have good jobs and yet they still go straight to the fridge. Now it’s just me and their Dad the fridge can be very disappointing but it doesn’t seem to put them off.

I expect my family to call before showing up, so I do the same. Common courtesy.

I get told we need to go shopping if the fridge is bare 😂

I can't imagine having zero privacy in my own home. I'd hate this.

My adult dc don't live locally anymore but have always let me know when they are visiting.

An unexpected visitor wouldn't get past my front door!

My adult sons all have keys and pop in all the time. I wouldn't be bothered if I were in my nightie, they've all seen me in a nightie or pyjamas before! I suppose I just feel this is the home they grew up in and will always be their home. I'm always pleased to see them!

No never. This is still their home and always will be , they can come and go as they please

I just wondered if you were posting from half a century ago, as from your post, you always seem to be in, and don't work, or go anywhere but your house and garden. You sound like my gran in the 1970s. Not like any woman I know in the 2020s.

Whilst many people happily welcome their adult children, it is not always convenient to just have them drop by and stay a while expecting to be entertained. Many women work (some from home) and have much busier lives than women pre early 1980s. My adult DC would never just drop by unnannounced anyway, as they live half hour drive away, and are very busy professionals who would not want to waste their time coming not knowing if me and DH are in or not.

You sound like you live somewhere where all your adult DC and extended family live in each others pockets. Sounds very suffocating, and a bit much IMO. Everyone just having each others house keys and dropping by randomly when it suits. Don't know anyone in 2025 who does this.

Our adult son is welcome anytime , he doesn’t need to call and he’s welcome to use his key . Likewise I call into my sisters whenever and let myself in and vice versa.

I love it when my adult children come in unannounced (and usually head straight for the fridge). Love that they still consider it their home.

But the OP has said it's the showing up unannounced that's the issue. She's not saying she doesn't like having him around!

Myself and my family are very very close but I would never just rock up at Mam and dads and vice versa. It's just common curtosey! I've had times where myself and DH have been at it upstairs or maybe in the middle of an argument, last thing I would want is someone showing up during those moments when we are in the middle of things! It's not always appropriate!