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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deny family day out

31 replies

Nearlydone25 · 31/08/2025 18:35

DP works full time Mon-Fri, I run my own business with staff, often working weekends. I asked my DP at the beginning of the year if we could book in some dates for him to take leave during the school holidays, so that we could have family days out (a mix of weekends off for me and weekdays off for him). He was very clear he wasn’t going to do that. So every school holidays I manage to juggle 2 DC (7 and 18 months) and full time work, using child minder, grandparents, play dates and any free time I can magic.

Cut to the end of the summer holidays, DP’s friend’s wedding some distance away. DP takes off Friday and Monday to allow for helping, hangover etc. Absolutely fine by me (I was invited but children weren’t, so I stayed at home). I’m working Monday (regular cover for staff day off), youngest at child minder, eldest I had to ask a friend to have him. All sorted. Except DP suggested on Thursday evening that he might come home Sunday instead and it would be nice for us all to have a day out together to a particular place on Monday. I say no, plans have been made. He says I can change the plans. I don’t agree to anything, he asks DC7, DC7 wants to stick with original plans.

DP is now home from the wedding (Sunday pm). I ask him what he’s doing tomorrow (ie having a day off anyway, or going to work and saving a day’s holiday). He says it depends on Bob. Bob is my staff member who’s day off I cover on a Monday and is DP’s friend. DP has messaged him to see if he’ll work instead of me tomorrow. I reiterate that it hadn’t been agreed, plans had already been made and it’s Bob’s day off, he can’t ask him that. DP strops and says he’ll have a day out in his own then, as usual!

I agree it would be nice for us all to have a day out together, but not at this short notice and inconveniencing others. AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2025 18:39

YANBU and he should have engaged with this when you raised the subject. Bad organisation on his part. And I'd be pissed off with him messaging someone who worked for me: unless he knows "Bob" really well it looks really unprofessional and is undermining you.

JLou08 · 31/08/2025 18:41

He has taken the p having you arrange all school holiday childcare. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not change your plans if you don't want to. However, if you are just doing this because you're annoyed with him but you would actually enjoy a day out together, I'd say go along with his plan so long as Bob is okay with it and hasn't cancelled his own plans and felt pressured into working.

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 31/08/2025 18:43

So it seems he won’t use his leave to mind his children alone but doesn’t mind spending time with them if you’re there too so you can look after them. Are they both his children? Why on earth pick this man to be their father. He sounds utterly useless and a pretty crap dad.

Original poster
Nearlydone25 · 31/08/2025 18:49

@JLou08 I would enjoy a day out together, but the place he’s suggesting wouldn’t be my first choice. DC7 wants to stick with original plans, and is excited to go to classmate’s house. Having asked them to have DC7, I don’t want to cancel last minute.

@Namechanged4obviousreasons yes they are both his children. I didn’t expect it to be like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nearlydone25 · 31/08/2025 18:50

@Thepeopleversuswork DP does know Bob well, but I do feel undermined and I don’t want to cause any bother for Bob. Bob shouldn’t be thinking about whether he should say yes or not.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 31/08/2025 18:51

The worst bit for me (of a crap situation) is him thinking he can ask your staff to work on your behalf.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2025 18:53

Your partner is shit. Any plans to do something about that?

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 31/08/2025 18:55

I definitely wouldn’t cancel the friend looking after your little one, especially if they’re looking forward to it. You never know when you need childcare help and dumping them after they’ve been kind enough to offer, isn’t fair.

I’d also be having words about contacting your staff (whether a friend of his or not) to talk about work matters. This is a private matter and he has no right. Does he see your business as a real job? He seems to treat it like something you can choose to do or not, to suit whatever he’d prefer. Ask how he’d like it if you contacted his employer or colleagues without discussing it with him first.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2025 18:55

itsgettingweird · 31/08/2025 18:51

The worst bit for me (of a crap situation) is him thinking he can ask your staff to work on your behalf.

Exactly. I'd be really pissed off about this.

gamerchick · 31/08/2025 18:58

Well at least you now know where he regards himself and you in the pecking order...

That's a come to jesus talk that is. Cheeky git needs a telling.

RhaenysRocks · 31/08/2025 19:02

I bet a million pounds someone will be along at some point to say "poor bloke can't do right for doing wrong, came back early, wants to do family thing, taking care of it all and gets shot done". Totally misses the point of exactly what gets called the mental load on here..the juggling that working (mums) parents have to do and the preplanning and the less tangible but important factors like kids' expectations. Man thinks he can just breeze in with a fab plan and expect to be lauded for it.
Also absolutely outrageous he'd try to muck about with your work rota. I'd be absolutely fizzing and apologising to Bob in no uncertain terms. (Though it ought to come from the H obviously).

CherrieTomaties · 31/08/2025 19:06

He sounds incredibly selfish, entitled and rude as fuck. What an ick.

Sorry OP, you deserve better.

Loadsapandas · 31/08/2025 19:11

So heaven and earth must move just because HE fancies a day out last few days of summer?

What about you and the kids may have wanted a day out with him?

Selfish bastard, I’d be pissed re staff but even more pissed/hurt that he doesn’t see spending a day out with his family as important.

I wouldn’t be able to get over that tbh.

LaughingCat · 31/08/2025 19:11

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 31/08/2025 18:55

I definitely wouldn’t cancel the friend looking after your little one, especially if they’re looking forward to it. You never know when you need childcare help and dumping them after they’ve been kind enough to offer, isn’t fair.

I’d also be having words about contacting your staff (whether a friend of his or not) to talk about work matters. This is a private matter and he has no right. Does he see your business as a real job? He seems to treat it like something you can choose to do or not, to suit whatever he’d prefer. Ask how he’d like it if you contacted his employer or colleagues without discussing it with him first.

Yep, that’s what would do it for me as well.

Honestly, OP - your DH made his bed and now needs to lie in it.

TravelPanic · 31/08/2025 19:17

Your kids’ father won’t take any days off in school holidays to spend time together as a family?! Did I read this correctly?!

what on earth are you still doing with him? He’s a totally useless waste of space!

Topjoe19 · 31/08/2025 19:19

I'm sorry I'd be livid. And I'd be booking a weekend away for myself & leaving him to sort childcare. Twat.

Gymnopedie · 31/08/2025 19:26

He is emphatic that he won't take any time off to help you or do something with the kids - but two days for his friend's wedding, no problem.

I'm guessing he is neither dad nor husband of the year the rest of the time either.

PS Is he now going to turn it on you that you're ungrateful for 'everything he does for you'?

latetothefisting · 31/08/2025 19:56

so he won't take a day off to look after his own kids, but will for 2 day hangover (monday off for a sat wedding?)
what a prince
I'd rather be in work too.

ButSheSaid · 31/08/2025 19:58

He doesn't sound worth keeping around as a boyfriend. If you dump him he'll have to parent his kids.

GameWheelsAlarm · 31/08/2025 20:02

Yanbu and it's really not on for him to interfere in your staff time-off. He's not Bob's boss, but Bob will have felt under pressure and it's an abuse of his status as the Boss's spouse.

He's also an utter shit for leaving all the school holidays to you. He's done nothing to make your summer nice, just made it more difficult, yet now he can find a spare day he wants to make you drop everything to fit in with his ideas.

What a knob.

ReignOfError · 31/08/2025 20:08

Tell him he’s taking the youngest out for the day, you’re working and Bob is not, and so can accompany the two of them if he likes. Then go and work somewhere away from your house. Or even town.

Or, if Bob has agreed work tomorrow, tell the partner he’s parenting the youngest, dropping and collecting the oldest and you’re having a day out to equalise with Friday.

Original poster
Nearlydone25 · 31/08/2025 20:14

The one thing I will say in his defence, is that his annual leave is the minimum 25 days (4.5 day week), including bank holidays (when I generally work and he has the kids - which he complains about) and including the time off between Christmas and New Year. He takes 1 week off for family holiday and 1 week to help me at my busiest time.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 31/08/2025 20:25

I asked my DP at the beginning of the year if we could book in some dates for him to take leave during the school holidays, so that we could have family days out (a mix of weekends off for me and weekdays off for him). He was very clear he wasn’t going to do that. So every school holidays I manage to juggle 2 DC (7 and 18 months) and full time work, using child minder, grandparents, play dates and any free time I can magic.

I can't get past this bit ^

I wouldn't be staying with anyone who didn't like spending time with his own dc.
I wouldn't be staying with anyone who didn't respect that my job was just as important as his and who was prepared to work things out together to cover childcare.

Loadsapandas · 01/09/2025 12:34

Nearlydone25 · 31/08/2025 20:14

The one thing I will say in his defence, is that his annual leave is the minimum 25 days (4.5 day week), including bank holidays (when I generally work and he has the kids - which he complains about) and including the time off between Christmas and New Year. He takes 1 week off for family holiday and 1 week to help me at my busiest time.

Edited

Bar prioritising his friends wedding, what else does he use his AL for?

What do you use yours (if any) for does it involve the DC?

Did he wonder, plan and action what to do with the DC on days you were both working over summer? Or was that just your problem?

PinkyFlamingo · 01/09/2025 12:38

Nearlydone25 · 31/08/2025 20:14

The one thing I will say in his defence, is that his annual leave is the minimum 25 days (4.5 day week), including bank holidays (when I generally work and he has the kids - which he complains about) and including the time off between Christmas and New Year. He takes 1 week off for family holiday and 1 week to help me at my busiest time.

Edited

Help you do what exactly?

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