My mum just doesn't contact me unless I contact her. Anyone else?

[LivelyWasp]

Hi, youngest of eight children. Late 20s. My mum and dad live five mins away. I've always gone above and beyond for them. Drove them everywhere. They've never drove. My mum is definitely a cold, old school mum.

Definitely shouldn't have had 8 of us. And absolutely should never have had me. She's made that clear throughout my life. But she does have good points etc. But I've noticed, she literally will not get in touch with me at all. Unless I call or text her. So I've left it to see how long and it's been eight days of zero contact.

I know people might say, well you reach out to her. And I normally do. But I feel really disheartened that it's simply not reciprocated. Especially considering I'm the o who would do anything for her. The rest of my siblings couldn't give a shit.

Anyone else's mum like this? In fact my dad is equally to blame too tbh. I'm not just holding my mum accountable when he's there too and he doesn't bother.

If she's made it clear she should never have had you OP then why on earth are you the one that would do anything for her? Maybe it's time to take a big step back.

I suppose it's all relative, I go weeks or even months without phoning my mum, and we just pick up where we left off, no amniosity at all.

Why do you want contact with her so frequently if she's treated you coldly?

Perhaps you should take a step back completely.

My mum is the same! She’s been like it with people her entire life so it’s not just with me. She never contacts any of her family even the sister that lives a few doors down from her.

So sorry to hear this op. You are being very kind to your parents loking out for them. There will be lots of people telling you to go NC with them as they don't do anything for you. But it's kind to keep a balance of checking in on them. They aren't likely to change so you need to realise that it maybe a one way street.

8 days is that all? If DH doesn't contact his parents it's often months before we here from them. Yet my family it's normally once a week phone calls. Or I text my sister as we both have kids and often don't have time to call.

TBH though it has always felt like MIL shouldn't have had kids, she's never been interested in the grandchildren either.

There's obviously more to my relationship than just the small part I've put on here. She does have good points, as I said. We've had ups and downs throughout my life. But I chose to continue the relationship because we are close but, also she is really a cold kind of mum. So it's been a struggle. But the not contacting me unless I contact her, is a bitter pill to swallow. Especially being a mum to two myself. I couldn't be cold like that.

Same here! My mother has not phoned me once since I left home to go to uni at 18. I am now 56….
This and other issues came to a head recently and she finally admitted she finds it difficult to phone people and doesn’t like doing it (she will happily answer when I phone though)
She is definitely neurodiverse and at the age of 80 has gone through life undiagnosed. There are many other issues but I have made peace with it. I have no idea how I will feel when she dies. I have three young adult children, I call them at least once a week.
All you can do is tell them how you feel about it.

I should've added we are normally always in contact but I've come to realise it's only because it's me doing the contacting. She's like that with all of us. Its not an overbearing kind of contact. But was always frequent. Now I've taken a step back there's no contact at all. Not gonna lie, that does make me sad

I would hazard a guess and say your mum wasn't parented in a warm , loving household herself. Do you know about your grandmother? It just may help explain why she is like that

My mother is similar but it has amplified by 1000% as she’s got older. If I ask why she’ll say either she thinks I will be busy or that she was just about to call. Same with everyone.

The reality is that she has some kind of phobia about making calls or initiating and social interactions. It’s a shame as she’s lonely I think.

@LivelyWasp is your mum pleased to hear from you when you get in touch? Mine is but rarely asks me much about my life. It’s just the way she is.

Try not to take it personally.

You're right. My nan was even more cold and couldn't stand her kids. It's definitely trickled down to my mum and her behaviour

I generally wait for my DC to phone me as they all work full-time and have young kids so there never seems to be a good time to phone. I message them regularly and we see each other often. My sister never phones me but is always happy when I phone her.

I could probably count on 1 hand the number of time my mum has rang me since I moved out of home (20 years ago). I ring her 2-3 times a week. I find it really frustrating!

There was a thread just like this the other week, with lots of people saying yes, their mother/parents are like this, particularly as they age. My mum is too. She’ll text occasionally if it’s been weeks and weeks, but she hasn’t called me since well before my father died in 2019!

@MatildaTheCat my mother is very similar. Token ask of how I am and then it’s back to her….!

My mum is the same OP. She now has dementia and I thought she couldn't use the phone .... Turns out she can, if she wants something.

My mum is also almost certainly neurodiverse. And not diagnosed. She has always struggled with social interactions and relationships. Other people need to scaffold and make the running so that she can be included. My dad did this his whole married life with her. As she has aged her tolerance has decreased of any changes to routine or others expecting things from her.
Despite rationalising why she is as she is it hurts at times. She is not warm, does not really like other people and in the past was often unpredictable and cruel if put under pressure.
What we can do for ourselves is show some self compassion by setting some boundaries, even if only emotionally. Your mum won't change OP, but you are loved and love your own children and that is hopefully healing in itself. ❤️

Dad is like this too, I'm mid 50s now and doesn't contact me - I have to make the calls. Parents split up around at the time i was leaving home in my early 20s.
He's in his 80s now and so I do call regularly and we do have pleasant chats. But its always me instigating. Even when he's got something important to say, he'll wait for me to call and then tell me!
He's not good at keeping in touch with other relatives either, but has friends and does socialise.

Yep. I was the scapegoat, sibling was the golden child. Unfortunately for DM, it hasn’t quite turned out the way she predicted. Despite her telling me, very regularly, that I would amount to “nothing”, as it turns out, I’ve amounted to rather a lot 🤣🤣🤣
She loves me now, of course. I am cynical about the entire thing and only do what I want, when I want, with her. I’ve had her measure since I was about 5.

My mum never phones me unless she's annoyed about something (either at me or wanting to moan about someone). Never rings just to check in/ask how I am. When we do speak, she updates me on all the random people she works with, local gossip etc rather than asking how I am. In my late 30s I've come to realise this is how she is and unlikely to change now.

Meh, 8 days?! I got to 8 months with my parents at one point before I broke and got in touch. They are/were similarly cold. My mother actively says that she considers it her children's responsibility to stay in touch with her. Positive spin on that is that it is from the perspective of letting us live our own lives. Less positive is not really being that bothered about us.

Now dad is gone, she is changing her tune a bit and does contact me, mostly because she wants/needs something.

Eight days isn’t very long! I often don’t contact my mother, of whom I am very fond, for far longer than that.

Just let her contact you and if she doesn't I think you dodged a bullet imo. You don't need her on your life.

Same my mum the same, there's nothing wrong with our relationship at all but it's me who pops in to see them or messages or calls to see what there up to or how they are but then I will hear she been out here and there with my brother's or gone to meet for coffee. I dunno why or what but I've never been asked to meet for coffee and we all drive and live within ten mins of each other. Got a great relationship with brothers they call text meet. I just decided to accept it I guess

Mine doesnt text but I check in on Saturdays as work mid week. What age is she op. Mine is 80s its left up to me though to ring. Sometimes I dread it as moods can be up and down.

My mum is the same. She says she doesn’t want to “disturb” me when I’ve told her a million times if I’m busy doing something I’ll just call her back. So whenever I see her and she asks me why I haven’t told her something, I just say I hadn’t spoken to her.. her loss.