My mum just doesn't contact me unless I contact her. Anyone else?

[LivelyWasp]

Hi, youngest of eight children. Late 20s. My mum and dad live five mins away. I've always gone above and beyond for them. Drove them everywhere. They've never drove. My mum is definitely a cold, old school mum.

Definitely shouldn't have had 8 of us. And absolutely should never have had me. She's made that clear throughout my life. But she does have good points etc. But I've noticed, she literally will not get in touch with me at all. Unless I call or text her. So I've left it to see how long and it's been eight days of zero contact.

I know people might say, well you reach out to her. And I normally do. But I feel really disheartened that it's simply not reciprocated. Especially considering I'm the o who would do anything for her. The rest of my siblings couldn't give a shit.

Anyone else's mum like this? In fact my dad is equally to blame too tbh. I'm not just holding my mum accountable when he's there too and he doesn't bother.

Maybe contacting regularly within 8 days sis too much? Maybe it would be good for both of you to not ring her so much. Maybe come up with something you're happy with - like ringing her once a week? And giving you both some space.

On another note do people still ring each other? I'm not sure anyone really just ring me or vice versa. I always message my friends and then if we want a chat we mesagr "are you free for a chat later?".

Id even messgae my mum to check she's free although she usually is. She doesn't ring me first asife is so busy with work and kids and things it's rarely convenient unless it just a quick 2mins.

I was different when I was at home with the babies and used to chat to my nan every night but I wouldnt have time for that now at all!

My Dad was the same. As a student I once decided to wait for him to contact me first and it was over three months before I received a text. It is much better these days, but we regularly go over a week without talking/messaging, while I talk to my mum almost every day (they are divorced).

My mother is the same. I respond with the same vibe now. She only responds to calls or texts. Never initiates them. Considering she a abandoned me as a child. You'd think she'd be happy to have a relationship with me. We have to accept how things are not how we want them to be.

8 days isn't long. Maybe think about having a longer more meaningful chat once a week, or fortnight, rather than lots of small less meaningful conversations every day? Take the pressure off of feeling you must speak every day.

I know someone whose daughter rings at least once every day, if not 2 or 3 times, and it does feel suffocating sometimes. It's lovely they think about their parent, but the parent has a life of their own, meeting their own friends, visiting clubs, going out doing whatever. The daughter panics if they don't answer their phone, so whatever they are doing they have always got one ear listening out waiting for the phone to ring to speak to their daughter. They can never just go out and switch off!

Once a week for a proper catchup with a cuppa in one hand would be much easier.

It might still be you instigating, but might be easier for you both.

If you're warm and loving to your kids then hooray! You've broken the icy spell. Well done. That's a huge achievement.
As for your mum, I guess she won't change. She is super mean to have said she shouldn't have had you. You need to accept that you had a poor mother and stop caring about her if you can. Maybe some counselling would help?

I’m a loving Mum, but tend to leave my adult children to contact me first…if they haven’t for a few days (no more than a week) I then do, but I do want them to be able to have a life separate from our relationship. When I left home decades ago, I rang my Mum once a week for a long natter, sometimes more, my sister rang her multiple times every day, both were fine with my Mum - they were what we individually needed.

Talk to your parents, we aren’t mind readers.

Could it be the older generation have a different attitude to phones? I rarely ring my DCs, not because I don't care about them but because I don't know when they'll be available. They have busy lives, I don't want to interrupt what they're doing to tell them I've watered the garden.