Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have the right hump?

28 replies

GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:13

To cut a long story short, ex dh and I divorced in 2000, he is with a partner and I remarried in 2002.

He has nothing to do with our youngest Dd now 12 since we split up, has not seen her or shown an interest in her, does not pay maintenance, send b/day or xmas cards/pressies.

Dd by her own choice uses my married name at school, has done for ages, everyone knows her by this name not her birth name.

She needs a passport and wants it in Step Dads name, exH refuses to give permission and said see you in court!! oh but he says he wont go to court, just send his solicitor!!

Am so angry that he wont let her do what she wants, but refuses to be a Dad to her.

OP posts:
J2O · 31/05/2008 16:18

Tossor, so are you taking it to court?

Alambil · 31/05/2008 16:18

The law is an ass on this and many other family court issues IMO

HonoriaGlossop · 31/05/2008 16:21

he sounds like an absolute idiot and yanbu to have the right hump (I like your turn of phrase)

However i do think this is a non-issue. It doesn't matter what name her passport is in, ok it makes arrangements maybe slightly more complicated as you need to get travel tickets in that name but other than that she can ignore it.

I don't know the legalities but have you looked into changing her name legally - it might have to be when she's 18 but she will have the right, won't she

i certainly wouldn't let this go to court or get in a real state about this, as it's up to you (You as usual i guess being the one doing all the hard parenting) to set the example and shrug it off and show her it doesn't have to matter.

Original poster
GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:22

I have to take it to court, the passport office wont accept a change of surname without both parents consent or a court order.

Just makes me so mad that he can ignore her and make her go through this, luckily at 12 she can speak for herself, but still...

OP posts:
Original poster
GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:25

I would leave it till she is 18, but she is adament that she wants it changed, as she says she never see's any of her Dads family, and why should she have to look at a name she does not associate with herself.

It is sad, but he has done it to himself.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 31/05/2008 16:25

you don't have to take it to court at all though, do you? if legally her surname is his, that's what she has on the passport and travel documents.

Don't let him force you to put your girl through court. I think it's got to be likely that any small gain that is made in the status of her surname would be well outweighed by the upset and damage done by knowing your parents are going to court over you

You don't HAVE to - this is something she WANTS, not NEEDS

Freckle · 31/05/2008 16:26

Perhaps you could point out to the arse idiot that, if it goes to court and you can show the court that, having had zero input in your dd's life since 2000, he is clearly refusing to consent out of spite, he may be ordered to pay your costs. Maybe a financial incentive might get him to agree.

3725Hayley · 31/05/2008 16:26

This is just hassle you could do without....I expect.

He is just being difficult.

Rachmumoftwo · 31/05/2008 16:27

My mum did mine by deed poll, but I was never totally convinced it was legal. However, I had the same name on my passport and have never had any problems.
He is being an arse though. If you go to court, it will cost money that would be better spent on your daughter.

3725Hayley · 31/05/2008 16:27

Maybe you should take him to court, to get back payment on the maintenance.

CarGirl · 31/05/2008 16:29

I think your dd is perhaps using this as her way of establishing herself in her identity of rejecting her bio dad. If she really wants to do this then I would support her but ensure that she realises that there is a possibility that the court may not let her change her surname - presumably it would be change by deed poll or could you look into your dh adopting her if that is what your dd wants?

BTW why don't you go through the CSA for maintenance or have you tried and failed to get anywhere?

stitch · 31/05/2008 16:30

hmm, he is a tosser. totally agree.
but she is his daughter, and that is a fact too. that she uses your married name is neither here nor there. her 'real name' is that of the man who fathered her. whether any of youwant it or not.
when she is legally an adult, it can be changed without his permission. but before then, it is just ammo for him to use to show everyone how much of a tosser he is.

ivykaty44 · 31/05/2008 16:30

The passport will only last for 5 years - after that she can change her name to Joe Bloggs and get a passport if she wants.

I wouldn't bother for one piece of documentation, when she is 18 she can change and get drivers licence etc all in her new name.

Original poster
GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:33

You know what HG, you are right, she can call herself what she wants, I guess we are both a angry for the way he treats her and the name has become an issue for both Dd and myself.

I think we both need to sit down and talk about maybe waiting till she is 18, and can then do as she wishes.

Stupid man has missed out on so much, and would not recognise her if he passed her in the street. Why oh why do they do this?.

OP posts:
MissingMyHeels · 31/05/2008 16:34

I would say yes and while we're in court lets discuss the thousands of pounds you owe me in maintenance?

Surely that will put him off?

nametaken · 31/05/2008 16:35

I agree with the others. It's just a technicality, the name. She's still the same person, but now she can see what her real dad's like.

Bet your glad you're not with him anymore.

Don't let his ignorant behaviour bother you in the slightest. He can only upset you if you let him. Carry on your life with dignity.

HonoriaGlossop · 31/05/2008 16:36

that's what I would do Gums, take the high road for HER benefit - because as an adult you know that being in a court situation with your parents involved can only ever be a poisoned chalice - she might 'win' her name but of course all that's really doing is confirming legally that her dad is no dad to her

I wuoldn't let her concentrate on it because it just cannot do her any good.

sympathies though, he does sound awful.

Original poster
GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:37

C.S.A dont even go there, his partner owns the house, the business, and poor exh has nothing, apart from a new car and the holidays, thats how he gets out of paying

OP posts:
Original poster
GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:40

Thanks all, put it all in perspective a bit, she is happy and thats down to me and her Step Dad, I am proud of the way she deals with what is total rejection.

OP posts:
Freckle · 31/05/2008 16:42

Well let's hope that karma kicks in and his partner chucks him out. He won't have a claim on anything .

Original poster
GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:43
OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 31/05/2008 16:48

Just want to say, sympathies to your dd. My dad left when I was 12, mum got no maintenance for me or my 2 dbs. Got feck all in way of xmas or birthday presents. And now he wants to take credit for stuff I've done since then, like going to uni etc.
Don't let the twat do that to your daughter.

Original poster
GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 16:52

Dont worry BT he will never get the credit for the way our beautiful Dd has turned out, she has been very lucky to have a Step Dad who adores her even her many strops and treats her as his own

OP posts:
NotABanana · 31/05/2008 16:52

Can your new DH adopt her?

edam · 31/05/2008 16:53

Sympathy. Your ex is clearly a tosser of the first order.

Stitch, you say the dd's 'real' name is that of the man who fathered her. Do you mean in the legal sense? Because I don't see why possession of a Y chromosone makes that person's name the important one. Have never understood why dads are generally held to have an automatic right to label their kids.