My brother is 48 and lives in the family home with my 78-year-old mother. He has always lived there. He doesn't work and basically lives off her. Apart from occasional part-time jobs and side hussles (he used to write generic articles and post them on content sites) he's never really worked.
About fifteen years ago my father died. At the same time, my mother nursed her own mother through cancer. It was traumatic and she's been on anti-depressants ever since. It sounds as though my brother is just a parasite, but my mother can be very manipulative. I don't think he felt he could leave her. I know he feels trapped, and I know he feels a lot of shame. Because of the shame, and the fact he doesn't like leaving my mother alone, he has no social life and doesn't date.
The problem, of course, is what happens when my mother dies. I can't talk to my mother about it as she just starts crying. Besides, I live 100 miles away and have three kids (one of them disabled), so it isn't easy.
He talks in this casual way about what he'll do when mum dies – how he'll take his inheritance and buy a flat somewhere quiet. But he doesn't seem to grasp that he'll still have to pay council tax and food bills and heating costs, etc. Plus he'll be grieving for my mother and forced to look for work. It will be too much. Of course, that is assuming he even gets an inheritance. I emailed him the other night and tried to lay it on the line. I said "imagine you are 54 and mum has a stroke. She then needs round the clock care and has to go into a nursing home. All of a sudden you'll be totally alone. But on top of that, the government will take mum's savings and then her house to pay for the nursing costs. If she lives on for five or ten years, that's all your inheritance gone. You'll be a man in his mid-50s with no job, no savings, no CV, no pension, no partner, and no friends. Don't assume you can't end up homeless. That is how it happens. Remember, you're not in the system. You're not registered as mentally ill or unfit to work. You've never claimed benefits and you have no label you can hide behind."
He isn't a bad man. He's kind (he's great with my disabled daughter) and very likeable. I know people are going to say "is he autistic?" I'm pretty sure he isn't. When he was a teen, he had very bad social anxiety, then addiction problems. That wiped a lot of his 20s. I'd left home by then, and when dad died and mum had a breakdown I think he felt he couldn't leave. He completed a couple of degrees at the local university (MA in literature), but never did anything with them.
What can I say to them to wake them up? He needs to get out of the house and work. He needs to be saving for a pension. And he needs to be around people. Above all, he needs to prepare for mum's death – not just financially but emotionally and psychologically. He needs to build connections so he has people to turn to for support. The frustrating thing is he wouldn't find it that hard. He's tall and handsome. He's also funny and charming and well-read. It's such a waste. I think a big part of the problem is the shame he feels. He doesn't like dating or socialising because he has to tell people he lives with his mum.
I know someone will say "it's his problem," but I can't wash my hands of them. Like I said, he's a good person, and part of the reason he's got into this mess is that he cares about my mother and doesn't want to abandon her. But that means a) he's full of shame, b) he finds it hard to date or build friendships (because of the shame and the living situation), and c) he's got no motivation.