To think that financially speaking, many women are still stuck in the 19th century?

[Newmeagain]

I probably spend too much time on mumsnet, probably because it is such a fascinating window into other people’s lives.

One thing that I have found completely astounding is how many women live in a set up where they are a SAHM (or work very part time and are almost a SAHM) but have limited access to money. It’s very much “his money” and best case scenario they may have an allowance. Just saw a post about someone being “gifted” some money from their DH’s bonus to buy themselves something. A bit like a child may be given some spending money.

Or alternatively women who work, have responsibility to home/children and struggle and pay their “share”.

In some ways their position, financially speaking, is worse than in the past because I think some men nowadays are really resentful about having to share their earnings (whereas in the past that was the expectation) but don’t want to do their share, so you get this really terrible dynamic of women who are the primary care givers but are are also really resented - almost like an unpaid nanny/housekeeper?

Where's the bit to vote? I want to say YANBU!!

Yeah I mean this (and Parent/Child parking) is probably one of the most widely discussed topics on Mumsnet.

In my marriage, money is just 'our money' and always has been. In fact my DH is really quite disinterested in it.

Others choose to do it differently.

Agreed. It really is absolutely nuts.

Certainly in my office of around ten people there are only two of us working full time although we are mostly older. Most seem to be supplemented by their higher earning husbands or husband's decent pension having not much of a pension themselves to fall back on when they do retire. I can't help feeling jealous !
My ds surprised me also yesterday when we were talking about me wanting to reduce my hours at work. He said the majority of the other guys he works with have wives who either don't work or only work a couple of days a week. I guess they may be of an age where they have small kids though.

Agree. I don't understand separate pots when married. And so.much financial abuse.

Do you mean 20th century?

My parents always pooled their money/resources and I followed suit when I married, so it's an alien concept to me.

I agree.

I'm amazed by the number of women who willingly put themselves into really precarious financial positions.

It seems counter intuitive to me. Much like when women post that they split up, got back together and had another baby within 12 months and find themselves needing to split up again 6 months down the line with an extra baby in tow.

I've read some great SAHM accounts on here where money is truly fairly split and husbands are paying into a pension for the SAHM. But it's rare.

Anyone who becomes a SAHM when unmarried is a fool unless they have significant financial reserves/assets themselves.

So many women prepared to put their future and their security in the hands of a man is baffling.

The beauty of living in this age and in this country (uk) is that us women have autonomy

I think men are now coached in “you want equality, you pay” whilst simultaneously failing to update any expectation of themselves with regard to getting off their lazy damn arses. NIMALT accepted and I know lots of decent men who are nothing like that but the stories on this site are enraging. It often feels like women make the whole damn world work.

I have been a SAHM for 8 years and my husband handles all the money. He did even when I worked. This is not because he is controlling, or old fashioned values or anything like that. But simply because I find that sort of thing the worst kind of chore whereas he is happy to do it and is good at it. He doesn't police what I buy at all, if I want to buy something then I will. Its very much 'our money, it's always been like that. Money has never been an issue between us, neither of us are fixated on money, or greedy about it. We are both sensible but not miserly so I think it helps that we are on the same page about spending. And also that we both went into our marriage with 'nothing' (25 years ago). The couples I know who are more guarded about keeping finances seperate it's usually because one of them came into the marriage with more wealth or there are stepchildren or a large inheritance on one side which I suppose makes them feel protective of their own assets.

I am also fascinated by these threads - albeit unsurprised, as I suspect the model of ‘man controls the money and woman given a tiny stipend and expected to feel grateful about it’ has been a fairly typical family finding model for generations…

I think the reality is that if you don’t work, you are very vulnerable to this outcome.

I also think that in an era where dual income households are the norm and financing a family on one wage extremely difficult… some women do seem to have unrealistic expectations of being a SAHM, often funded by an unwilling partner who doesn’t really have the income to support that kind of lifestyle. This builds resentment on both sides.

I think money is a huge source of problems for many couples - for a whole variety of reasons (!).

We also have a bit of a weird situation where women are expected to work and pull in an equal salary much of the time… but also be the primary carer and home-manager. It’s incredibly hard to do all of these things, let alone well, yet that now seems to be the baseline.

I don’t know any SAHMs. Not one. All the women I know are very focused on their own financial independence and security as a priority.

If I could give any young woman advice it would be -never rely on a man !I made that mistake !That said ,I used it as a tool to drive me forward ,and I now earn 3 times what my DH does -but he does lots of great things to make my life easier and it’s very much our money !

Enable voting ! YANBU! You’ve hit the nail on the head. So many women have got the qualifications (or are able to get qualifications - as recently as the 1960s my mother couldn’t study physics and chemistry at her girls school which barred her from studying medicine in Australia) , equal rights across the board enshrined in law but….Victorian access to family money!

I never realised my husband topping up my savings, investments and pension so that they mirrored his almost to the pound was such a radical move until I came to mumsnet! Dh also automatically gave me half his inheritance - again an unthinkable move in mumsnetland.

I think the issue is that most (not all) men don't want children to anything like the extent that women do, and their female partners don't really think about that.

But then throw it away by putting themselves in a precarious position.

I'm assuming when you say that if you want to by something then you do you check the funds are available first.
The only couple where the sahm had allowance in my experience was one where the mum would spend what she liked including the months bill money.

I often wonder if as parents we also fail to prepare the next generation for navigating relationships.

We tend to drift so blindly into relationships (and it's not always by love) that I wonder - did no-one ever have a talk with you about how to manage yourself in a relationship, or how to get askipping when it goes to shit?

I also think that in an era where dual income households are the norm and financing a family on one wage extremely difficult… some women do seem to have unrealistic expectations of being a SAHM, often funded by an unwilling partner who doesn’t really have the income to support that kind of lifestyle. This builds resentment on both sides
I agree with that. I worked with a number of men with only decent earnings over the years hinting on their frustrations that their wives didn't want to work FT. These were in the majority hands on dads who did some pick ups and drops off.

I think as much as there are men who expected their wives to be sahm whilst controlling all the finances, they are also wives who are happy to work very few hours despite children being in FT school whilst expecting to have full access to the money.

Yeah I see this too. A friend doesn't work or does very little and they are always skint, the kids are/will be homeschooled, they do lots of days out and often she hasn't got time to take food out so they go to the cafe. They go out every day, or near enough.

Also a school mum I know and occasionally spend time with, with the kids, has made comments that make me think she doesn't have access to the money equally. E.g. when we went to a cafe, she said she couldn't buy much because she doesn't have a job. She is a SAHM to 3 kids and not married.

Oh absolutely. And my spending habits have had to change a lot over the last couple of years, but that is because of the cost of living and our expenditure going up as our family has grown and the elder children have gotten older and their clubs, hobbies etc have become much more expensive. I have to be mindful of our budget of course but I don't have to mindful of some arbitrary amount my husband deems acceptable and I don't need his permission, that would be insulting. However I would never make a large purchase without talking it over with him (and neither would he) because we make big decisions together which to my mind is pretty fundamental to a healthy marriage.

Maybe when the household bills are paid there is much left to have an equal share of?

Isn't much left I meant

These are grown women who have chosen this path. It's pretty obvious that if you give up work or go part time, you're going to be financially dependent on someone and not have a pension. In a similar vein, grown women choose to have children without getting married and choose to give up work, then seem shocked when they have nothing to their name if they separate.

Yes OP, totally agree and will never understand it. If a man is willing to share his sperm with me he can damn well share his money with me!!!!!