Toxic Mother Strikes again. Continued…..

[Peterpickedapickled]

posted a few weeks ago but the saga continues. To recap

I have managed my elderly DMs difficult, controlling, manipulative behaviour for years. It comes in waves over the years and depends upon whether or not I am meeting her needs.

She wanted a parcel taking to the post office. I agreed to drop it when parking is better. Several IMPORTANT messages later and she had changed the drop location where I because I said the parking was bad. Several urgent message later all very confusing, I finally asked her what she wanted me to do as I was confused. I said it was getting f**ing ridiculous. I had just had enough of it all!
Bad move I guess! She demanded an apology, said I was making a drama out of it, said I had no respect for her and that she would never ask me to do anything for her again. She then gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks. It wasn’t about the parcel for me, it was the overwhelming pressure of being so enmeshed for so long and it got to a tipping point.

My DD is 14 soon. I finally got a message from DM 2 weeks after not speaking to tell me she is giving her money for her birthday.
She texted DD asking if she is going away as she knew we were thinking about it. She stated that “just because we are not amicable doesn’t mean it needs to be inflicted on my DD. I missed hearing about her recent trip with school”
For context, DM was invited to my home when my DD came back from the trip . This was just after the parcel debacle and I decided it may be best if we go to her as I knew she was unhappy with me. I suggested this and that’s when she kicked off and went silent.

OP I'm sure you've written practically this same post before.

Why are you still indulging her?

If NC isn't an option (its always and option) then could you practice a kind of minimal grey rock techniques? It sounds like you are getting way way too involved and the back and forth is what is making it stressful.

If she makes a request of you the answer is either yes or no. If your answer is 'yes but' like, 'yes but I can only do it on saturday' then she can say yes or no. Anything else you can just say, sorry I can't manage that. Repeat repeat.

Practice in your head - nice and breezy and low conflict.
No that doesn't work for me
Sorry you feel that way
I have to go now see you on friday
Sorry you'll have to sort that yourself
I can't manage that now
Etc etc

Don't try to solve her problems for her. Don't negotiate, don't argue, if it gets heated just tell her to call you back when she's calmed down/made a decision.

You are her only option by the sound of it and she is only punishing herself by avoiding contact.

Ask yourself how you felt during the two weeks of NC. Were you guilt ridden? Why? she's the one who decided not to contact you. Wouldn't it be nice to just be able to enjoy the quiet?

Have you considered therapy to explore why you are so emotionally entangled with your mother?

Your title is your answer.

Toxic mother strikes again... because you're letting her. You're allowing it.

@Cerialkiller says it all...

@Bababear987 I have wrote it. This is an update….

So I decided to take the advice, do some research into FOG, difficult behaviour, read some books etc.

She has started texting me again, almost daily but the messages are so manipulative and weird.

Started as “we could both apologise and get back to normal, the choice is yours” So I communicated my boundary and told her I would not be doing that so she replied “At least I know where I stand but don’t you forget that you made this choice”. Then she texted to ask if I had received a birthday card. I replied but kept it short and sweet.

Because I wasn’t engaging, she sent another text about her funeral plan (I helped sort this and she insisted I kept the documents at my home). She wanted me to send her the documents - why?, because she did not wish to be dead in her home for weeks before anyone knew and that’s what would happen because I am not speaking to her so she wants to change the next of kin. It’s a load of bull anyway and DB calls her daily. Just all to get what she wants from me. I ignored her.

She then sends a message saying it’s nearly killing her this falling out so she is apologising for causing me any upset. I replied but again remained unemotional and to the point.

She then tried calling me last night, it was late and I was in bed. I ignored it. She messaged today saying she didn’t mean to call but is surprised that I didn’t call her straight back as I would normally be worried. She said she feels I am being aloof and that we can’t move forward unless I am willing to be honest with her.

So the reason for my update is that I am trying very hard to deal with her behaviour. I am struggling! I am upset again, wondering if I am doing the right thing. I just know I don’t want to continue the relationship as it was. Is this normal to get this sort of push back?

@Cerialkiller I have applied to Mind for some counselling.

It’s been 6 weeks of absolute hell to be honest. I am really struggling every time she contacts me. When she doesn’t and it’s silent, I start to feel better then it happens all over again.

@Peterpickedapickled for goodness sake!! give her all her stuff back and let her sort her life out herself!! you have enough to do sorting out your family!! some parents are not worth the effort!!

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld I agree so have already decided to do that. I don’t want to be responsible for her personal documents. Especially as I now realise this is also being used as a manipulation tool!

Can’t DB take over the reins for a bit, does he do his bit?

@Lotsofsnacks he lives 3 hours drive from her. He calls her daily and visits about twice a year. Unfortunately, I don’t have a relationship with him as he is just the same as DM.

He could do more I feel as he doesn’t work, has no children and drives but it is what it is I guess and maybe he chooses this way because of what she is like?

You mentioned her changing next of kin; does she say things like; if you don’t look after her she’ll take you off her will etc? Are you currently down as her best of kin, or is this just empty manipulative talk from her?

Give her her stuff back and disengage entirely. I'd personally block her on my phone, or at least mute it so you don't have to see messages. I don't feel you are getting anything from this relationship, If you can't read her messages then she can't manipulate you. Just step back.

@Lotsofsnacks thanks for commenting.

Its threats caused to manipulate because she doesn’t have a Will, she has no money except what I have given to help her.

It isn’t a next of kin. She has a funeral plan that names me as the person to contact when she dies. I was named in my Dads plan as I am his only child (my brother is my half sibling as he has a different Dad). So it’s just my name on a policy so I can call them to make arrangements. She can have up to 4 but only has me down.

It’s all to exercise control and make me feel guilty. Thats why she often calls and hangs up at all hours and then says it’s her bad hands and she can’t feel she is pressing the keys. That’s not untrue but she must be continually looking at my WhatsApp messages over and over because if she wasn’t on it, she would be accidentally doing anything! These calls are in the middle of the night and happen often. That’s and the continuous messaging I have daily. She sends me long messages asking me to make decisions on everything like what furnishings she should get, what presents she should buy. She never gives me a minute. If I don’t answer or I say I won’t make her decisions for her, that’s when the manipulation, guilt tripping and general nasty stuff happens!

@Hatty65 Thanks. I have stepped back this time. Over the years, I have changed the way I deal with her. I know it doesn’t sound like it but I have. I gave her some money recently to help her stay independent at home and to make her home more comfortable. That’s where I went wrong. She doesn’t drive so I had to get involved, taking her for new furniture etc. Then she wanted me to decorate and make all the decisions. I felt like I had too because I had given her the money. It didn’t just stop there and before I knew it, I was doing everything and all the emotional stuff for her.

It spiralled and I was back, heavily involved and enmeshed and exhausted emotionally again.

The money I gave her was from my inheritance when my DF passed. They were divorced. I have her the money for 2 reasons, 1 because I knew she would not be pleased if I didn’t and 2 because I stupidly though if she used it to help her in her home (buying equipment like a walking frame etc when she needed it) it would be a benefit to me! I was so wrong! She had me do all the work physically and emotionally and guess what! She hasn’t spent a penny of it.

Thats really where the outburst came from, not about a parcel.

Frankly I would block her or change my number. You can’t change her behaviour.

@Peterpickedapickled it's almost like you're living my life. Well, she sounds EXACTLY like my mum. Things have been much better since 2008 when I started setting boundaries,and it sounds like you've started doing this too. It's difficult and enormously upsetting,so you have my deepest sympathy. I don't think anyone who hasn't been in this situ understands how gut-wrenching it can be. Best of luck.

@SpiritVaults72 that’s the thing, I find no one really understands. The advice to block her, walk away is just so, so difficult. My GP once asked me (when I had gone to then about anxiety and how I felt like it was because of Mum) did I ever consider that I am suffering emotional abuse. No!!!!, I said. But they typed it on my records and I found it recently. Now I think maybe it is?

It’s so ingrained in our relationship. It weaves itself in and out of every interaction. It starts subtly and unconsciously but now I see it clearly. Even now I think about something she did or said and I realise, for the first time, she was controlling me.

She often says that she isn’t being “looked after” by me or that I don’t have a bed in the spare room so she can move in when she needs looking after. She says she is moving into a care home near my DB because I would only visit once a month. She knows I visited my DF daily but that’s because I knew he was dying. The hurtful comments are just noise now.

This is the first time I have meant business! No more of this crap. Problem is, I don’t always know what to do or say. It’s a learning curve. I have limited contact but she is pushing back hard. It’s difficult not to cave in.

She sounds like my mother I’m sorry to say 😟

Mine had a DBS done as she regularly drops in to my house and we foster - she demanded her DBS back and said she was not helping me foster in future - she NEVER helped me with any foster child, or indeed my own child. She was livid and threatening to phone my Foster agent to tell them how bad I am 🙈

I feel for you OP - why can’t we take the advice and tell them to F* Off and really mean it 😭

@Finetoday yep, it might be a different scenario but the intention is just the same.

I think she is slightly better than she was years ago but it’s because I stepped back. I obviously need to step back more and wouldn’t be surprised if I end up NC or she dies and that’s the end. I know that sounds callous but it’s the truth.

@Finetoday what did you do to make her unhappy?

put you phone to silent for the evening hours.

Mine goes to silent automatically every night after 10pm til8am.

You cant control her actions. but you can control your reaction.

@Peterpickedapickled aw,you sound a wonderful daughter,and the problem is, the more you give,the more she expects! My issue was,mine never worked and visited her mum daily. That's always been her bugbear, because I don't.........however, after my dad died last year I knew I'd have to make massive efforts or I'd be the bad guy. I sorted out everything pertaining to my dad's death,funeral and all her paperwork,and decorated two rooms of her house. I don't have children. But me saying I've set boundaries.....I packed my job in after cashing in an old pension, mainly because I hated it and also because looking after was becoming overwhelming. I walk around my house with my landline phone attached to me in case she calls- she kicks off if I don't answer. Maybe I haven't really set boundaries! I refused to pluck out her chin hairs on Thursday (😫😅) and was told it was time I grew up😂😂😂because I'd have worse to do?!?! I'd say,keep on doing what you're doing because it IS a form of abuse and can leave you almost with PTSD. Just set gentle boundaries and remember she needs you more than you need her. But walking away, I know, is not an option. I'll leave you with a 'funny'.....I once started WW3 because I mentioned her false teeth were clicking. I received a 23 page letter berating me, ending with " your dad has had to buy me some new teeth!" 🤣🤣 I think maybe they should be introduced,ha ha! X

@toomuchfaff thanks, I have just done this now x

I’m not familiar with your previous post but underneath her unreasonable behaviour she gives me the impression she’s lonely and in need of attention. I’m not excusing her and have worn the awful scratchy t shirt you now have. The number of letters I wrote to agony aunts then tore up. Frustration became my middle name…for years.
She’d have less time to bother you if she engaged with others, went for a natter in the local craft group (where she wouldn’t be expected to craft). Her peers will discuss how they’re dealing with parcels for the post office, that postmen can collect parcels from doorsteps, NOK, funeral plans, internet shopping, family, all which she experiences. I know you said she has bad hands and can’t feel she’s pressing keys on her phone but she can still talk, chat, engage, learn. She could visit lonely people in hospital, volunteer, help run the hospital shop. Atm she has too much time and would benefit from an external source to raise her self-confidence.
I may appear to simplify but I can now see the wood for the trees. When you’re going through this all you can see is every detailed machination. This is going to sound awful but I’ll be candid. A dear friend, in the same situation, said it would be more tolerable if you knew how long it was going to last.
Once my widowed parent was occupied and expanded horizons life became easier for me. I do sympathise with you. It’s emotionally and physically draining, isn’t it?

@SpiritVaults72 oh my life 🤣🤣🤣🤪

We have the same Mother!!

My DM wants me to cut her toe nails so she doesn’t have to have a stranger come to her house. I refused because I would have done it wrong or hurt her. She made me pay for weeks!

She even managed to fall out with me and my hubby at our wedding!

Now she is wondering why I didn’t return the late night all as “you are usually worried about me”!

Why don’t we agree to set 1 new boundary and stick by it? Then we can hold each other accountable 🤣

In all seriousness, I am so very sorry that you have to live with this too. I understand so well the mental and physical anguish it creates. It doesn’t just affect me. You say I sound like a good daughter and you are right. But, I feel like a terrible wife and mother at times because this leaks out like a poisonous substance and impacts my family. My DH said yesterday that he gets upset and angry because he sees me so hurt and upset.

Strength to you ❤️

@Peterpickedapickled