Toxic Mother Strikes again. Continued…..

[Peterpickedapickled]

posted a few weeks ago but the saga continues. To recap

I have managed my elderly DMs difficult, controlling, manipulative behaviour for years. It comes in waves over the years and depends upon whether or not I am meeting her needs.

She wanted a parcel taking to the post office. I agreed to drop it when parking is better. Several IMPORTANT messages later and she had changed the drop location where I because I said the parking was bad. Several urgent message later all very confusing, I finally asked her what she wanted me to do as I was confused. I said it was getting f**ing ridiculous. I had just had enough of it all!
Bad move I guess! She demanded an apology, said I was making a drama out of it, said I had no respect for her and that she would never ask me to do anything for her again. She then gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks. It wasn’t about the parcel for me, it was the overwhelming pressure of being so enmeshed for so long and it got to a tipping point.

My DD is 14 soon. I finally got a message from DM 2 weeks after not speaking to tell me she is giving her money for her birthday.
She texted DD asking if she is going away as she knew we were thinking about it. She stated that “just because we are not amicable doesn’t mean it needs to be inflicted on my DD. I missed hearing about her recent trip with school”
For context, DM was invited to my home when my DD came back from the trip . This was just after the parcel debacle and I decided it may be best if we go to her as I knew she was unhappy with me. I suggested this and that’s when she kicked off and went silent.

@Gobygently I completely agree with you. I know she is lonely, scared of old age and feels like she has out lived her usefulness. But it’s not just this. We all have times in life where we know we must change, take that step even though it’s scary.

My DM doesn’t think anything is wrong with her behaviour. I have suggested to her that she would benefit from meeting people. She doesn’t want to. She has had people reach out and visit etc. She turns them away because they aren’t exactly the same as her. There is always something wrong with them. She talks negatively about everyone. She suffers with anxiety so I went to the GP with her and she was offered CBT. I supported her but she only went once because he was a useless counsellor.

You see, she doesn’t want to change because if she did, she would no longer need me. I would be able to step away and live my life and that is not what she wants

I wish it were easy but I am not dealing with lonely little old lady. I am dealing with an intelligent, controlling narc!

@Peterpickedapickled sorry for blank message! Thanks so much,honey, and just remember your husband and child(ren) are your first priority. I'm a single gal. One boundary, yes! I'd better go,the Big M is on the phone😅xx

@SpiritVaults72 shit, that’s the first boundary gone! 🤣🤣

DM me if it ever gets too much 💯

Oh, yes, the parent who finds something wrong with everyone around them. You’re fighting the world I used to say. Nothing I did was right or enough.
At one point it became absolutely unbearable so I went NC for three months. My MiL chewed my ear off about it but I wouldn’t relent. I couldn’t stand it any longer. Demands and expectations were modified when we reconnected or I’d have carried on.
She needs to stand on her own two feet and leave you time to live. Have a break from her.

I literally do nothing to set her off - I tread on eggshells around her as I know how difficult she can be. I’ve had periods of LC and it enrages her. I’ve had up to 3 months NC with her and it’s awful, she keeps turning up at my door upsetting us all and plays the victim.

She ignored me all last week because she was half an hour late for lift I was giving her ! She was rude and obnoxious all day, no apology or reason for lateness (long history of not remotely caring about my time), then asked for another lift 2 days later for a friends bbq - I said I’d just see her there as I really didn’t want her making me late again, nor be trapped in a car with her, so she berated me, and ignored me all week.

It’s a regular thing and more so as she’s gotten older.
There doesn’t have to be any reason for their behaviour- it’s just in them.
No one would believe the way she is with me, the names she calls me, she bends over backwards for strangers. It’s so weird.

@Peterpickedapickled that is soooo kind, I will, because you will understand ❤

My parent was intelligent, unbelievably controlling (and had been spoilt I learned post mortem).
Yours is pushing away help and friendship. She has to realise only she can solve her problems. Not you. Be unavailable to save your sanity.

@Gobygently thanks for the advice. Funny isn’t it that it’s so frowned upon if you are a daughter that has had to take the decision not to have contact with your mother. Suddenly you are selfish and cruel because you dare to turn your back on a defenceless old lady. The amount of times I have heard “do it because she is your mother and you owe it to her”! It’s so hard to navigate through because of the norms placed on you to care for her unconditionally. It really makes you feel like you are going mad.

@Finetoday she sounds just like my DM. Why do we put ourselves through it? My DM has always suffered with low self esteem and low confidence. She has always been very anxious. Her Dad died suddenly when she was 5 and her mum was a very cold and unforgiving person. I often wonder if this is where it started. DM if need any support x

No is a complete sentence

Forget what people expect of you. Until you’ve been in this position, it’s difficult to comprehend.

So you step away from the people telling you that you’re selfish and cruel as well.