DD upset at nursery pickup

[Winchesterway]

My DD 2.5 year old has been in nursery since 11 months old.

My post is mainly asking for advice on how to manage when I collect her. She will be happy to see me, but she will want to play with toys, fight going into her car seat etc when I collect her.

Last straw was this week. She refused to go in her car seat for 20 mins, so staff were waiting for us so they could lock the the car park. I was so embarrassed, bargaining/pleading/being stern did not work. I didn't shout but took all my self control. I cried driving her home, I was so ashamed. She's strong willed personality wise, and very little other than offering treats (sweets/new toys) helps when we need her to cooperate which isn't something i want to encourage.
Am I unreasonable to be so overwhelmed that she messes/cries/ fights going into the car when I collect her?
Please no flaming or trolling, I'm just asking for genuine advice on how to stop both of us being upset and angry (DH is involved but due to work hours can't do pick ups)

Just to add, mine also went through phases of not wanting to go in, and on more than one occasion the manager used to have to come out to the car park and peel my eldest off the floor by the car and take her in crying and screeching. I used to go to work in tears and pretty much always late for weeks on end it was such a battle! Then obviously they don't want to leave once they are inside 😂
Some kids are just harder. It's a thing. You're doing nothing wrong!

You are absolutely not a bad mother. You're trying your best. You do need to make sure the nursery staff can leave on time though even if that means parking on the street so they can lock up and leave. It won't last forever but you may have yo force her into her seat at times. It doesnt make you a bad mother though

Pick up is a horrible transition to get through for some kids, I think it's called restraint collapse and my son was like that from the start 9 months old and you have to set things up for success for you both.
If you must drive, park round the corner so you can avoid the feelings you have from the audience. Then you can let what time you need to reconnect and hopefully go home unscathed. All without having the staff watching and waiting.
Also it will get better, at 5 years old they will be dragging you out the school gate!

This is great advice.

The transition from nursery to car isn’t currently working for either of you so change it up.

I agree with parking out of sight of nursery so you won’t feel watched and it breaks up a routine she thinks she has in her head.

You have my sympathies OP. After two reasonably compliant boys (in terms of getting into the car seat) DC3 is a very stubborn and headstrong 3 year old girl.
We endured many horrendous nursery pick ups, with DD screaming, me feeling embarrassed at people witnessing the shenanigans, and overall dreading picking her up from nursery.

I realised she was coming out of nursery very tired, sometimes thirsty, sometimes hungry if she’d not liked the teatime food, and sometimes just trying to assert some control in her little life after a day of complying and playing with others. So even though it’s only a 3 minute drive home from nursery, I always take a drink with me and a little snack that I know she’ll love. If she’s messing about I’ll ask her if she wants said snack and she’ll say yes, so I’ll say let’s get you all strapped in then I’ll grab the snack. Most times now that’s all it takes.

It used to take giving her an iPad or my phone to get her in, so if that’s what you need to do just do it. I don’t need to do that anymore as she’s getting older, so it was a short term fix. But just do whatever works. Her watching a cartoon on the drive home is a much nicer experience all round than her being forced into her seat and you both upset and crying.

Plenty of parents have been in the gently body slamming them in to the car seat phase. I keep bubbles in the side of the car door and let mine blow them only when they're buckled in safely.

I ask "do you want to climb in yourself, or do you want me to lift you?" To give a choice. Then if they still resist tell them " I see you're having a hard time making up your mind. We have to be safe in car parks, so I'm going to lift you". Having a little script helps me stay regulated through it, though probably too many words for a toddler.

Janet Lansbury is a great resource for toddler parents I find. Your DC is probably repeating the behaviour because of the reaction, not because she hates going home with you.

Exactly this. I work in daycare and it drives me and the other staff crazy watching a parent dance to the tune of their 3/4/5 year old at pick up time. The other day it took 2 parents around 30 minutes to persuade/cajole/ask nicely their 4 year old as she repeatedly and firmly told them in a matter of fact way 'No' and carried on playing. Would absolutely applaud a parent who takes decisive action instead. I reckon most daycare staff would be cheering you on, not judging.

Thanks to everyone who commented, I've read every one of them. Makes me feel less of a terrible mom, as I really do struggle with seeing other children happily going into their car seats or buggies while DD runs about and refuses to go in the car or buggy. I've gotten good advice. I'll keep some snacks and maybe some toys in the car and see if that will help.

I'm sure you're not a terrible mom, and it doesn't sound as if you're doing anything wrong.

As others have said: this time of day is hard for little kids. They're knackered, hungry and unreasonable. They are thrilled to see you, but may not want to come away from having fun at nursery. That's all far too much emotion to process, when you're tiny and your ability to recognise and manage your emotions is limited at the best of times.

If it helps, remember that you get the worst behaviour because you are your DD's ultimate safe place. She can let rip with you like nobody else, because she knows she is utterly safe and utterly loved. It IS a kind of judgment on your parenting, but the opposite of what you might think! It means you've done an amazing job of letting her know you love her and will always be there for her, no matter what.

I promise the staff will not be judging you. This is pretty standard behaviour. Just get her in and go. It's a phase that will pass

Stop expecting her to co-operate.
Make getting in the car rewarding - have a game/sticker book/nice drinks/snack waiting - let her know there's something nice for her in the car, bribery is another word for positive reinforcement 😉
For a long time every car journey was started with a small box of raisins while DD got strapped in.
You're probably also a bit tired and grumpy and focused on getting home, you need to switch that a bit so you engage her attention on a personal level too. I often used to ask 'best/worst thing about today'? at pickup to get her talking to me. DD always v happy to tell on the kids that had annoyed her that day.

In a situation like that, I wouldn't even try to cajole or negotiate. Just carry the child, put them in the seat, buckle in and drive.

Mostly likely there may be a screaming/crying fit but it's easier to handle as you drive away from watching staff who you may feel judged by. A snack, drink or toy nearby could help.

Staff will have seen it all before anyway and know how exhausting it is but they will also appreciate your efforts to help them leave on time too.

Oh my goodness please don’t feel ashamed! They all have their moments.

I have a DD similar age. Failing a nice approach I think I’d be pinning her down and strapping her in too.

Either bribes or force - literally using my knee to pin him into the buggy to strap him in

I bring lollipops which he normally never allowed have or a piece of chocolate or something and that usually works

Yes firmly hold then down and strap in. You are the parent and you don’t need to bargain with her. I also have a 2.5yo who is strong willed. When I raise my voice my dd knows that I’m serious. Your really need to rein it in with her, she will be running rings around you as she grows older. I always pick her up with her snack. So if she doesn’t get in the car seat there isn’t a snack.
She once refused and I warned her twice. When she eventually got in, and asked for her snack I didn’t give it to her. She cried for the 10 minute journey and when we got home I explained that as she didn’t behave she didn’t get her snack.
she has never tried that again. You really need to be firm and be the parent here

My DC used to fight the car seat. The seat we had had a way to hook the strap out of the way when the seat was empty which was handy. I used to the put them in the seat and if he arched and wriggled I would tickle them on the tummy or under the arm which relaxed them. I then quickly strapped them in before they realised what was happening.

I've had help from nursery staff to buckle my kids in their pushchair a few times! It's just how kids are at that age. They are particularly tired at that time of the day of course.

Bribing with food did work for us for a while, but I found that it backfires quickly as we then get tantrums when they don't get food every time they get into the car seat/pushchair.

Changing the routine to something they find entertaining worked really well though for the past few months. We live under 20 min walk from nursery but I started taking the bus instead of walking, we have more time to chat and interact, and they love the 5 min bus ride.
There might be something like this you could do?

This is where the phrase terrible twos comes from. Absolutely everything is a reason to have a tantrum. You do just have to be stern and force them in. Tickle of the belly stops them arching their back as they instinctively fold over and gives you a second to force them into the seat.

Could you pick her up on foot?

It is normal and please dont be crying. I know you think your being judged but trust me all the others will not be sweetness and light. My daughter was very spirited when she was little, preschool used to call her tornado. I dreaded kids parties as mine would kick off and cry if it was home time and cause a scene and I wanted the world to swallow me up. It passed. Shes now 14 and an absolute delight as a teenager, kind, considerate and loving. Hopefully she will chill out soon for you.

Never use bribery, it can't be replicated at school and causes huge temper tantrums when they get there.
Offer 'forced choices', explain what will happen next, stay firm in all areas of life, kids know when you're a pushover and exploit it. Ask nursery for a referral for some parenting support, I haven't met a parent yet that didn't find it valuable.

Mine does this too. I physically struggle to force her in, and we were both getting injured when I tied (heads smacked into car roofs, bruises from the kicking and screaming. Everything i found a new trick to physically push her in, she'd work out a new angle to wriggle and dangle and flop and starfish and stiffen to thwart me. Once in, she wriggles her arms back around the straps, giving herself bruises and grazes because I tighten the things so hard to try to stop her. She will scream and foam at the mouth for 20mins on the way home and tear her hair out after being forced in. I cannot tell you how awful this is and NOTHING else in our lives triggers such violent reactions.

Since we were both getting hurt, I now don't do forcing her in. It is very clear that this is a massive stress / anxiety reaction to the car and separation from people she loves. (She associates it with the separation at nursery, but also relatives she likes leaving after visits.) It all comes out over the car seat.

Things that have helped.

• Turning the car seat forward facing. I know its less safe, but driving with a screaming distracting toddler who doesn't stay in the seat is less safe. Now she can see me driving her home she doesn't feel abandoned in the back. Loosing this source of anxiety has made the biggest difference.

-Providing a snack and drink for the journey home from nursery. She doesn't get it until she is strapped in.

• Inviting her to help me strap her in. Doing a count down to see if she can get in the seat and strap herself in before i get to 10. (Sometimes this is too much pressure when tired and fails.)
• Special extra exciting car toys (though she tends not to want these when tired after a long day)
• getting to choose a nursery rhyme for us to sing together (creates a sense of control)

-getting another adult to strap her in. She'll often behave for a cheerful stranger.

Your child will be different, but it's all about giving mine a sense of control to help with the anxiety. If that does work, a suprise or shock will help. (Last week it was pouring with rain and she was faffing about, so I took her out of the car to stand in the rain. She was so busy declaring "oh! Wet!" She didn't notice me strap her in, though there was quite a bit of indignant screaming once she realised what was happening...

I keep thinking this phase will pass, but 6 months in and I keep having to come up with new dawn tricks...!! It is NOT a you thing...

Oh another one that really works - if I'm trying to get her in the car to go somewhere not nursery, I show her a picture of where we are going on my phone and explain why it'll be fun. She zooms into the car and straps herself in when she WANTS to!!

Honestly, it's just pretty normal toddler behaviour and we've all been there and gone through those moments.

It's really hard andd embarrassing at the time but I bet nobody is judging you as it's part and parcel of having a toddler.

This too shall pass...

DC2 was that strong willed child! I feel your pain - having to drag him up the road screaming to collect his brother from school (he refused the pushchair and was heavy!). I felt like the only parent whose child was like that. Fast forward to age 12 and he’s still strong willed but it’s so much easier and he will walk long distances (moaning at times). I just hope his personality will be an asset in later life 🫣