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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just goes and does his own thing

34 replies

deirdrechilly · 30/08/2025 22:24

I’m not a princess and I am not high maintenance but my husband has a real bad (imo) habit of just going and sitting and watching tv while I’m in the house doing other things and he won’t think to ask me to join him. His only interest in the house is the tv.

for context the kids are in bed, we’ve been having a few drinks in the kitchen, I’ve put them to bed, he’s cleaned the kitchen, finished up while I was doing some life admin then I started sorting out snack packs for tomorrows activities and he disappeared. Went in to find him in the living room settled with snacks and watching a film. When I finished my jobs I was coming to find him to see what ‘we’ were doing.

aibu to think this is cold? It’s not the first time and it’s a regular habit of his. He thinks as a single man and not as a ‘we’

we don’t get to spend many weekends together as he’s usually working. He works week nights too and we literally spend zero time together doing anything.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2025 22:38

Perhaps you can mention doing something together in the morning so it's not left to chance in the evening?

Although tbh, I really don't think there's anything wrong with what he's done here.

ZippyPeer · 30/08/2025 22:41

Don't know whether it is 'cold', just the way he does things and seems like that makes you feel rejected/ sidelined/unimportant/taken for granted (not quite sure whether these are the right thing).

What does he say when you discuss it? (Ideally calmly, using 'i feel' structure)

Newname42 · 30/08/2025 22:43

Is there a back story? It doesn’t sound too bad tbh, more like you both were doing some jobs - he’s done the kitchen and you did other things - and when he finished he watched TV. Was he supposed to do more tasks or do you feel that it’s not a fair share of the load? Maybe worth having a calm conversation about this because it might not be obvious to him that you’re unhappy with how things are shared?

Gettingbysomehow · 30/08/2025 22:46

Im not sure what you are asking but basically it seems as if you're expecting him to read your mind.
He's just relaxing in his own home. Why don't you try communicating with him and telling him what it is you're after.
This sounds a bit mad tbh.

FourIsNewSix · 30/08/2025 22:48

Newname42 · 30/08/2025 22:43

Is there a back story? It doesn’t sound too bad tbh, more like you both were doing some jobs - he’s done the kitchen and you did other things - and when he finished he watched TV. Was he supposed to do more tasks or do you feel that it’s not a fair share of the load? Maybe worth having a calm conversation about this because it might not be obvious to him that you’re unhappy with how things are shared?

I don't read this as an issue of task division.

It is about him starting his own past time activity without suggesting/offering to do something together. Even if it was looking at the very same movie together (working to be done at a specific time/waiting for her if on demand TV).

If course they don't have to do everything together all the time, but it isn't unreasonable to want to spend some time together and it seems they don't have many opportunities.

HerecomesMargo · 30/08/2025 22:50

Seems like as
yoi don’t spend much time together he is used to just doing things on his own and doesn’t think about it. Have you told him this upsets you?

sleepylittlebunnies · 30/08/2025 22:50

I think the issue here is more that he’s sat down to watch a film. So you’re either going to miss the start of it or not watch it at all. Would be better if he had sat and watched general TV or scrolled his phone, then chosen and watched a film together, especially if you don’t get to spend much time together. Sounds like he’s got used to doing his own thing.

NorthLion · 30/08/2025 22:53

FourIsNewSix · 30/08/2025 22:48

I don't read this as an issue of task division.

It is about him starting his own past time activity without suggesting/offering to do something together. Even if it was looking at the very same movie together (working to be done at a specific time/waiting for her if on demand TV).

If course they don't have to do everything together all the time, but it isn't unreasonable to want to spend some time together and it seems they don't have many opportunities.

Show quote history

Yes I agree. It’s starting his own past time independently, rather than suggesting a shared one. If moments together are rare then yes I’d be put out to have to join him when he’s already (at a guess) 45 minutes in to a film. You’re in a situation where you can’t really join in because you’ve missed half of it, so you’re just waiting for him to finish the film to do something shared, but then the evenings gone. That’s annoying

AardvarkaKedavra · 30/08/2025 22:53

Yes, it does sound like you need to communicate that you'd like to spend more of his very limited time at home doing something together. It's reasonable to want to spend time together to reconnect, but he may not think of watching TV together as quality time, so it may not occur to him to ask if you'd like to join him. Or if you're already doing something, he may assume you're busy, then just go do his own thing.

Are you happy watching what he's watching or will it turn into a whole 'thing' with the two of you discussing what to watch, snacks, etc? If it's more of a production, I can see why he might want to just watch what he finds interesting at the moment, sometimes, but it's also completely normal that you want to spend time together when you can.

Goodideaornot · 30/08/2025 22:57

My DH is a bit like this. I’ve had to explain in very basic terms that when he does x, y, z (thing like this) I feel [sad that he’s not thought about me/whatever it is I’m feeling ]. I do think he’s inherently more liable to please himself first than I am, and he wouldn’t be remotely bothered if I went off to do my own thing but he has (eventually!) taken on board that it bothers me and makes an effort eg not to start a movie without me if it’s something I might like

steff13 · 30/08/2025 22:58

Do you ever suggest doing things together?

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/08/2025 22:59

No I wouldn’t consider it odd. I’d think it was more odd if he was hanging around near me waiting to find out what ‘we’ were doing.

jonthebatiste · 30/08/2025 23:01

Won’t you have spent the whole day together? Honestly, I think there’s a lot to be said for having space from one another Grin

steff13 · 30/08/2025 23:02

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/08/2025 22:59

No I wouldn’t consider it odd. I’d think it was more odd if he was hanging around near me waiting to find out what ‘we’ were doing.

This is where I am, too.

Unicornuni · 30/08/2025 23:10

I would find it suffocating to check in and ask if my dh wanted to watch tv all the time. Leave me to chill. Let us flow. This is how relationships go. We don’t have to be in each other hair all the time.

TheChosenTwo · 30/08/2025 23:17

At 10pm the ‘what we were doing’ would be I would be having a shower and going to bed (which is where I am now) and dh would finish his glass of wine and either fall asleep for an hour on the sofa before coming to bed or finishing his wine and coming up for a shower to bed (he’s asleep in bed now).
Dh and I are pretty independent at home and in life in general though, we don’t really watch the same things on tv bar the odd documentary here and there. I’m up
early tomorrow for a swim and he’ll be off to the gym so after dinner and cleaning up we sat with the kids for a bit and played a game of Yahtzee and then all scattered.
Maybe it’s because our kids are pretty grown up that we both have more time to ourselves and to spend as adults together but I don’t really seek him out as a form of entertainment and am more than happy pleasing myself!

Endofyear · 30/08/2025 23:25

I'm quite independent and so is DH - if he went to watch tv and I came in, I'd either sit and join him or go up and read/watch something on my kindle in the bedroom. I wouldn't be upset that he hasn't consulted me 🤷‍♀️ if we're watching a show together (Yellowstone at the moment) I might say shall we watch a couple tonight? But quite happy to go off and do my own thing if he's watching something else.

Cornishclio · 30/08/2025 23:35

Why don’t you just ask him if you can do something together. I don’t think he has done anything wrong. He is just watching a film in his own house. You should communicate if you want to do something together. DH and I don’t check in constantly with each other as to what we are doing so sometimes I watch TV on my own or if it is a series we are watching together I will suggest we watch an episode after dinner. Sometimes DH is on his computer or I am reading a book or off down the gym. It is a bit suffocating to run every activity past your partner.

iamnotalemon · 30/08/2025 23:40

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/08/2025 22:59

No I wouldn’t consider it odd. I’d think it was more odd if he was hanging around near me waiting to find out what ‘we’ were doing.

Yes definitely and that would drive me mad!

YetanotherNC25 · 30/08/2025 23:51

I think you need to communicate better.
Once he’s cleaned the kitchen he’s sat down on the sofa in the house he lives in and watched tv. You’ve not asked him not to or communicated in any way? He’s literally done nothing wrong. He’s not a mind reader.

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 30/08/2025 23:59

Have you actually spoken to him about it and explained how you feel? I mean, that would be the adult thing to do…

PollyBell · 31/08/2025 00:05

YetanotherNC25 · 30/08/2025 23:51

I think you need to communicate better.
Once he’s cleaned the kitchen he’s sat down on the sofa in the house he lives in and watched tv. You’ve not asked him not to or communicated in any way? He’s literally done nothing wrong. He’s not a mind reader.

Yes this, my husband or I is never asked or need to permission we just joim each other when we are finished whatever, no psychicness

jannier · 31/08/2025 00:13

What is it you want him to do? Don't most people meet up in the lounge when jobs are done or is he supposed to sit in a quiet room waiting for you to decide to join him?
If you have a plan do you not say hey why dont we have hot sex/ share a bath/ do some yoga/ watch that film when we're done?

JifNtGif · 31/08/2025 00:14

deirdrechilly · 30/08/2025 22:24

I’m not a princess and I am not high maintenance but my husband has a real bad (imo) habit of just going and sitting and watching tv while I’m in the house doing other things and he won’t think to ask me to join him. His only interest in the house is the tv.

for context the kids are in bed, we’ve been having a few drinks in the kitchen, I’ve put them to bed, he’s cleaned the kitchen, finished up while I was doing some life admin then I started sorting out snack packs for tomorrows activities and he disappeared. Went in to find him in the living room settled with snacks and watching a film. When I finished my jobs I was coming to find him to see what ‘we’ were doing.

aibu to think this is cold? It’s not the first time and it’s a regular habit of his. He thinks as a single man and not as a ‘we’

we don’t get to spend many weekends together as he’s usually working. He works week nights too and we literally spend zero time together doing anything.

Are you always this controlling OP ?

NoThanksNeeded · 31/08/2025 00:41

So you spent some time together having a few drinks before splitting off to do "jobs" around the house?

You were busy doing more jobs and so he went to keep himself busy. What, did you want him to hover around watching you until you were finished and then could do stuff together?

If you want to do something special together of an evening then say "hey I'm just going to finish these snack packs for tomorrow, why don't we watch that series/play strip poker/perform Shakespeare when I'm finished? It'll take about 20 minutes"