Husband just goes and does his own thing

[deirdrechilly]

I’m not a princess and I am not high maintenance but my husband has a real bad (imo) habit of just going and sitting and watching tv while I’m in the house doing other things and he won’t think to ask me to join him. His only interest in the house is the tv.

for context the kids are in bed, we’ve been having a few drinks in the kitchen, I’ve put them to bed, he’s cleaned the kitchen, finished up while I was doing some life admin then I started sorting out snack packs for tomorrows activities and he disappeared. Went in to find him in the living room settled with snacks and watching a film. When I finished my jobs I was coming to find him to see what ‘we’ were doing.

aibu to think this is cold? It’s not the first time and it’s a regular habit of his. He thinks as a single man and not as a ‘we’

we don’t get to spend many weekends together as he’s usually working. He works week nights too and we literally spend zero time together doing anything.

I can’t see a problem.

WTF? Isn't that normal? Good God!

I agree OP, the issue in this instance is he’s chosen a film, so you can’t join part way through and gain enjoyment from it. With a film you both need to start at the beginning. All he needed to do was watch something shorter until you joined him, or line up some possible films to choose from.

More generally, I think you need to talk and say you’d like to spend some evenings together, then discuss what you’d both like to do, even if that is just have a regular TV / film night. Make sure you both know which evenings those are and which are ‘just do your own thing’ time.

I think I’d be your husband in this scenario. It sounds like you’d both worked hard, it was late and you’d had a few drinks. In fact I’d have probably gone to bed rather than starting a film!

I think you need to talk to him. Say to him "Shall we choose a film together later"?

This is what we do. I am semi retired and spend a lot of time with DH during the day, as he only works three days a week. When we have spent time together during the day, very often we both do our own thing in different rooms at night. We have very different tastes in films and TV programmes, and I also like to spend time reading in bed. But when he's been working during the day and we both fancy some company, we will have a conversation about putting the latest ITV drama on later or film etc.

Having our own space is important to us. Happily married for over 30 years so it works for us.

This is normal surely? If I have downtime and DP is doing something else then I'll decide what I want to do and just do it without interrupting him.

I'm confused as to why you don't communicate what you want to do ahead of time? "That film looks good." "Do you want to start this TV show tonight?" "Do you want to watch something later or are you going to bed early?" If you want to do something together you have to let the other person know that.

He thinks as a single man and not as a ‘we’

This is the crux of your problem... and you cant solve it. You cant make him think of you, appreciate you, consider you, make you his first thought... You cant do anything about how he does any of these things.

People have to be comfortable in their own space to be a couple we doesn't mean joined or controlled.

I wasnt suggesting the DH needed to be controlled or more joined, I was pointing out to OP that they cannot have any impact how the other person thinks and they definitely cannot change how the other thinks or acts. ergo its outside their control.