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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH time for hobby

45 replies

Butternotmarg · 30/08/2025 20:05

We are a blended family. There's myself, dh, two dc ages 6 and 4 and dsc age 12. Dsc spends 50% of time with us - 3 nights/4 days every week. One weekday evening and all day Saturday dh and dsc go off for the day to do their joint hobby. I look after our dc and do other activities with them. This is every Sarurday. Sunday is usually the day myself, dh and our two dc spend together, however occasionally hobby events will crop up on a Sunday.

Do you think this is a fair split of time? I feel even though dh claims he's looking after dsc, he's actually just getting to go and have a nice day out doing his hobby every single week. I never have any time to myself and feel he's being unreasonable. One 12 year old is also considerably easier than a 4 yr old and 6 yr old combined. I also think the time spent doing this hobby with dsc is time taken away from our dc and I feel very resentful of that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 30/08/2025 20:09

A difficult one as what interests a 12 year old will he very different to a 4 and 6 year old.

IMO any ‘most of the day’ weekly hobby is a bit difficult in a family with dependent children as I think it’s inevitable the non-participating parent is going to feel like they’re left doing an extra day of childcare alone.

But - the quality time between your DH and their older child is a good thing given the set up. And - it means you can focus that time on relevant activities for the smaller children.

Is there anywhere else in the week you can carve out time for yourself / do they need to be gone all day on Saturday for the hobby (helps to know what it is)? When will the smaller children be able to do the hobby?

ScrambledEggs12 · 30/08/2025 20:12

Depends what the hobby is? Is it something he can take your younger children to when they're older so you can have a day to yourself?

Gymnopedie · 30/08/2025 20:15

I don't think that spending time with DSS is the issue. They need time together just them, that's reasonable.

The bigger issue is that you get no time to yourself. How much of a hands on dad is he to all the children? Does he ever spend any time just him and the two youngest? Or with the three DCs together? Who looks after DSS when he's with you? Does he share chores? What time do you have where it's you, him and the two/three DCs?

You need him to work with you to make sure that things are fair, whatever you and he decide between you that looks like. It shouldn't be him deciding and you having to fit in.

jacks11 · 30/08/2025 20:19

Well, I don’t think you get your decide that your stepchild stops doing his hobby once per week. You chose to blend a family, and I think there are few hobbies that a 4, 6 and 12 year old would all equally enjoy. The stepchild gets only 50% of the time with their father- 1 day and 1 evening spent primarily together without the other children is not unreasonable. It is not taking time away from your children- he is investing time with his child who he gets less time with doing a mutually enjoyed hobby. That is important to their relationship, leave it be.

Your joint children get a day spent together the other weekend day. That seems totally fair. what is not fair is the lack of time you get to yourself- you should get a weekday evening to do a hobby or just have time away to spend as you please, or do something on a Sunday/some Sundays.

LoveSandbanks · 30/08/2025 20:20

Did you not know he had a child when you got together with him?

He spends one day a week on a mutual hobby him and his child enjoy but yet it sounds like you’d like the child to just fit in with “dad’s new family”

Unfortunately, when you get together with someone that already had children you need to understand that he will always be pulled in different directions.

Amanitacae · 30/08/2025 20:23

Is the hobby going to the football?

overmydeadbody · 30/08/2025 20:27

Well what is the hobby and does it really take all day on Saturday?

HelloHattie · 30/08/2025 20:28

Cricket? Regardless it’s selfish

Sometimeswinning · 30/08/2025 20:28

It’s fine. My ds had a hobby (football)takes up weekends and often leaves me with our other 2 children. Been happening for years and definitely got more and more demanding.

But it’s fine and fair. Swings and roundabouts etc.

londongirl12 · 30/08/2025 20:32

What is the hobby? What hours are they out on Saturday?

SeptaUnellasBell · 30/08/2025 20:37

Am I wrong in thinking your two children together get to spend all day most Sundays with their dad? So, Saturdays is his 1-1 time with his eldest? If all that’s correct then I think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Butternotmarg · 30/08/2025 20:52

So the hobby is a type of motorsport. Fairly dangerous - both have been in hospital as a result of accidents. Therefore, it's not something I will encourage my dc to try when they are older.
Yes, it does take all day. Dh has bought a campervan so they often go camping overnight Friday and are away all day Saturday as they visit different tracks across the country and enter competitions.
It is mainly dh's hobby. He just got dsc into it as he loved it himself.
We spend family time together most Sundays, unless there is a completion on and then it can take up the whole weekend. Dh doesn't spend 1-1 time with our dc. I am definitely the default parent when it comes to our dc. I do all drop off and pick ups. 3 times a week dh will drop off and pick up dsc. I just feel the balance is not even.

OP posts:
IOSTT · 30/08/2025 20:57

It is unfair that your DH gets so much time every week to do his hobby, but it doesn’t sound like you get any time to do a hobby? Is there any way to redress this balance? Can you both have half a day each to do a hobby with one child?

NuovaPilbeam · 30/08/2025 21:00

It is difficult.

I half agree with you BUT
When you get with bloke who already has a child, there's less of dad to go around. Presumably you knew about the time consuming (vaguely selfish) hobby when you got with him? Its probably why his first marriage didn't work.

SeptaUnellasBell · 30/08/2025 21:17

Butternotmarg · 30/08/2025 20:52

So the hobby is a type of motorsport. Fairly dangerous - both have been in hospital as a result of accidents. Therefore, it's not something I will encourage my dc to try when they are older.
Yes, it does take all day. Dh has bought a campervan so they often go camping overnight Friday and are away all day Saturday as they visit different tracks across the country and enter competitions.
It is mainly dh's hobby. He just got dsc into it as he loved it himself.
We spend family time together most Sundays, unless there is a completion on and then it can take up the whole weekend. Dh doesn't spend 1-1 time with our dc. I am definitely the default parent when it comes to our dc. I do all drop off and pick ups. 3 times a week dh will drop off and pick up dsc. I just feel the balance is not even.

What’s your alternative suggestion to him?

I agree that it is taking up a lot of time and you absolutely should both expect him to pull his weight with his other two children including quality time with them but that also you should have your own time.

Having said that, I do think it’s now going to be very hard to pull back on this time with his eldest, he’s entitled to continue his joint hobby and be given the opportunity to excel at it! It’s very difficult.

HoskinsChoice · 30/08/2025 23:16

Both parents are spending all weekend parenting. He just happens to be parenting different kids on each day. He's not getting time to himself either. I think it's pretty fair and lovely that he's having some proper bonding time with his son.

Eenameenadeeka · 30/08/2025 23:20

I think this is just the reality of big age gaps, it's very common as children get older that a lot of weekend time revolves around childrens hobbies. I know you said your husband enjoys it too but its his sons hobby as well, plus he only gets to be with his Dad half the time so it's good they share a hobby and have a great relationship. My husband and I have 4 children (all shared) and it's a juggle at the weekend - our 12 and 10 year olds often have something that means one of us has the 2 and 4 year olds alone, or if both big kids have something then we have a little one each. Sunday is generally family day as well. I don't have time in the week to have my own hobby, but that was my choice when having so many children. Can you set a weeknight or 2 to have your own hobby or time to yourself so it feels like more of a balance?

BlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBla · 30/08/2025 23:33

Big age gaps, different needs. I feel it’s ok for them to spend one evening and one weekend day, however you should also go out one evening a week and claim Sundays as your day.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2025 23:46

Can you have me time every other Sunday? Or every Saturday evening? (He could do the bedtime for all three kids) or every Friday night?

Diarygirlqueen · 31/08/2025 01:36

You should get a hobby and take some time to yourself.
In regards to the sc, I think you're being extremely unreasonable. Your 2 children see their dad all week, the sc 3 nights per week. You also got involved with a man who had a child so knew the setup. Celebrate that you're married to a man who had stepped up with the first family, many cases this doesn't happen and get yourself a hobby.

thinklagoon · 31/08/2025 01:44

which evening and full day do you get to do your hobby?

AbzMoz · 31/08/2025 02:02

This seems a bit unfair all around tbh

Your two youngest are watching DH invest half the weekend (and cost?) in his eldest, including holidays in the motor home multiple times per year. Does he ever take the younger two or spend 1:1 time with them (unrelated to the sport)? Is there space in the schedule for the youngest to pursue their hobbies? and what about your own interests?

does DSC actually want to do this hobby or is it expected by DH? If DH couldn’t go, would it be imperative to find a way to take DSC, either you or his mother? If DSC couldn’t go would DH go by himself?

I do think it’s important for DH and dsc to have 1:1 time but there seems a lack of balance here towards you and your youngest children.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2025 02:59

I think the issue here is not the Saturday but what DH is doing with the younger DC the rest of the time. He should be parenting more than you overall because he has more DC than you.

You need some down time to yourself. Is the hobby year round? If so then it seems reasonable to me that he has to miss sone do you have time for a girls weekend or a day out by yourself. Having Saturday to yourself is very different to have a week day evening to yourself (although I think you should have those as well) He can do something else one on one with DSS on those weeks - that should be easy to arrange as DSS must go to bed much later.

Original poster
Butternotmarg · 31/08/2025 03:12

@AbzMoz thank you for seeing it from both perspectives.
My children don't get all week with their dad. They see him for an hour on a Monday and Tuesday evening as he works late. They don't see him at all on Wednesday evenings due to said hobby. Thursday and Friday evening can sometimes also be only an hour or 2. My sc, although only with us 4 days spends a lot more time with his dad. Dh spends no 1:1 time with our dc. In terms of our 2 shared dc, both different sexes, very different children and interests, I don't feel like I can help them follow their own interests and hobbies as they don't want to do the same thing and it wouldn't be fair on the other.
Another bugbear is that in the school holidays, dh will have no issue taking time off work (self employed) to go and do his hobby with his son, but never suggests to take a day with us. I have to push for that.
To me, he just is Disney dad to his eldest and the other 2 get bare minimum.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 31/08/2025 05:40

It’s not unusual for a child’s hobby to take up an evening and some of the weekend as well. With my sons sport, he used to have twice weekly practices, plus matches on Saturdays which could easily be an hour away. So that effectively took up that day as well.