DH time for hobby

[Butternotmarg]

We are a blended family. There's myself, dh, two dc ages 6 and 4 and dsc age 12. Dsc spends 50% of time with us - 3 nights/4 days every week. One weekday evening and all day Saturday dh and dsc go off for the day to do their joint hobby. I look after our dc and do other activities with them. This is every Sarurday. Sunday is usually the day myself, dh and our two dc spend together, however occasionally hobby events will crop up on a Sunday.

Do you think this is a fair split of time? I feel even though dh claims he's looking after dsc, he's actually just getting to go and have a nice day out doing his hobby every single week. I never have any time to myself and feel he's being unreasonable. One 12 year old is also considerably easier than a 4 yr old and 6 yr old combined. I also think the time spent doing this hobby with dsc is time taken away from our dc and I feel very resentful of that.

AIBU?

I do think you are in the trenches with a 4 and 6 year old, and that’s tough, especially at the tail end of the summer holidays. Separately, I admire any post-divorce parent who really steps up to spend decent chunks of time with their kids.

i think I would ask him again to look at the balance. The first thing I would ask for is that he sticks to local tracks while your dc are young, so that he is at home on Friday nights.

Id also ask for an evening off a week - he’s home at a decent hour and you head out, for a class or the gym or to see friends. Wednesday maybe? And make him understand that this is something he needs to build into his work planning and that you are struggling.

Id also think again about preventing your dc from joining your h in his hobby later - though I get the reluctance to introduce such a high risk activity.

I think you're being unfair. He's spending time with his DS and ensuring his DS gets to do his hobby. That's a pretty normal to amount of time to spend on a 12 year old's hobby.

It's unclear what you want to change. Do you want the little DC to have hobby time or do you want more time as a family or more time to yourself? It's pretty normal to do some combination of splitting the DC/taking them along to each other's activities when you have 2 or more DC.

You need to discuss logistics with your DH to find a time when you/the little DC can do a hobby if that's what you want. But you need to limit the impact on the existing hobby arrangements.

Your 2 shared children are a lot closer in age though, so a more similar stage of development where they can enjoy at least some things at the same time a lot more than the 12 year old. With multiple children, it's a bit of a juggle but for the younger ones generally allowing them to follow their interests the classes and activities are short enough that you can for example take one to a gymnastics class and take the sibling to the park or something while they wait?
I understand different people do things differently and my social circle includes people at my children's activities who spend lots of time there like I do, but it's very very common for parents of children around your step childs age to spend a lot of time at the weekend supporting the child's activities. If that's something they've been doing together before you had your shared children, it's not really fair to the step child for Dad to stop taking him, and I'm sure when your shared children are older, your husband (or you) will spend lots of time at the activities that they love as well.

I can see why this is frustrating for you OP but not sure if the situation can change without upsetting DSC, "sorry son I cant take you every Saturday as I need to take the other kids out!". That would be a huge rejection.

Then on the Saturday you would be left to entertain three children of different ages and sexes, so you would likely have to divide and conquer anyway.

I can see it from your point of view, you are literally left to hold the babies! So I know where your resentment is coming from.

However, I do think the hobby is important for both DH and SDC... and if your DC show interest, please don't stop them! because you can't and only create more resentment
Can you talk to DH about how you feel? Is there a compromise to be reached like sticking to local tracks or only do one overnight stay in a 4-5 week period?
(This could be difficult if it's a point based league.)

I also agree with others, you need to carve out some time to yourself. Join a regular activity away from the home and ensure DH is doing the parenting while you are away. This could also help DH to build a better relationship with his younger DC, which I think is a major issue that I take from your post.

Did you not observe his parenting skills prior to choosing to procreate with him - twice?

He needs to make time to solo parent the younger two children. You deserve some time to yourself , and he needs to experience some of what you do. Perhaps a few hours every other Sunday?

I can understand your frustrations op.

I'm not suggesting that you leave him , but what would he do if you did? He has to find a way to parent his children more equally now because resentment builds in situations like this.

I wouldn't put up with it. Sorry. I would have dealt with it before having kids. A balance in my view would be that he can do the hobby twice a month. And do things as a family the other 2 Saturdays. I would not be stopping him seeing his son - but there are 3 kids that need time with their dad.
What about when they younger ones are invited to birthday parties etc- they should be able to attend with 1 parent while the other looks after the remaining kids.
What about the younger kids having a hobby? E.g. football? Would mum have to take both kids every week even if one child had no interest.
When do you fit in swimming lessons- they are often on a sat morning.....
What about basic things like mum wants a haircut? Or a friends birthday lunch.....does she always have to say no because dad is out every Saturday.

I think you are starting to see why dad got divorced....

My thoughts exactly…

I guess the question is, if DSS stopped the hobby would your DH continue by himself? Is he really doing it to spend time with his son?

Do you work as well? Can you afford to outsource some things as you are mostly on your own? I can’t see how you’d reset anything with the hobby at this stage - if his child wasn’t involved then maybe but since he is then you can’t really take that away. Finding something a 12 year old actually wants to do with a parent is remarkable. I’d guess he’d be happy to take the younger ones when they’re older but if you’ve vetoed that then that’s your choice.

So could you hire some help for afternoons so you can take your children to activities? Can you find things that happen nearby or on opposite evenings if one likes dance and the other karate or whatever? Am not sure why your younger children aren’t allowed to have hobbies because your husband and stepson do. Is it a cost issue?

It does seem a bit unbalanced.

But if DSS was your joint child who had shown an interest in dad's hobby, would you still be as annoyed?

I would have a conversation with DH. Explain that regardless of whether the oldest is a DS or a DSS:

(1) the younger ones are getting to an age that they will notice Dad doesn't do things with them.

(2) You need some time to pursue your own interests.

Edited because I pressed post accidentally.

But your comment that this is stopping your two younger kids doing things they want to do because it unfair on the other is unreasonable. Most families with more than one child have to juggle kid's interests and the child not interested in that hobby has to suck it up. My friends mostly drop one child at an activity and then take the other one somewhere else, or if they can't leave the activity, then the other child brings something to do - a book, a Switch etc. As long as they both get to do something they want to do, then it's not "unfair" it's family life.

So what was the amazing dad skills that he showed beforehand and all the conversations you had about parenting b3forw you had not 1 but 2 children with him

Does anyone actual have discussions around parenting and expectations before having children or is it a case of get pregnant and hope it turns out the way it is in your head?

No i am not just asking the op but the thousands of poster's on here, how much indication does a man show that he will be a great parent?

This doesn't sound right to me. You should get some time to yourself OP, and DH should spend some time solo parenting the younger two DC. Sundays would be the obvious day for this - maybe one or two Sundays a month? Or half a day but more frequently? Wha would happen if you suggested this?

I think it's a very rare man that can be a good parent to two families, in reality one set of kids usually gets less of them. It sounds like the 12 year old is the priority and your two are treated like an afterthought, I'd be pissed off in your situation.

What’s the message it send your DSC if you stop it though? I get it as it is a lot of time but I don’t think you can expect them to stop. Is it all year round? Could you ask him to miss one a month?

If he is neglecting spending quality time with your shared children and with you in favor of his hobby and his oldest child then thats utter crap and things should change. He should absolutely spend quality time with his eldest and keep their time together going but he should be doing these hobby days fortnightly and looking after all 3 children every other Saturday so you can get your fair share of you time!
no reason he cant spend time with all his children together and they will just have to find things they can all do like going to the beach or doing half a day at softplay then the other half going to somewhere else etc.

But right now hes got the sweet end of the deal being able to flit off every weekend to do something he loves and get his downtime without needing to parent his younger 2 for half a weekend! You need to set up these boundaries though and Make sure the changes happen.

Me and my partner always have equal time to do our hobbies aswell as time spent together with our child. Sometimes its less even as he goes on events that take him away for a couple of days a time but I will eventually get a couple of days away myself.

Sounds a bit like your DH is using his son like an excuse to spend so much time doing his hobby.
Someone suggested to put down some rules like staying local, say no to all weekend competitions, etc. I think this sounds fair.

I don't think it is that he does too much with his eldest, it's that he doesn't do enough with the younger two.

I would keep the Saturdays as they are but he should be doing some pick ups and drop offs during the week - is there a reason why he does none?

I think you should have at least one evening to yourself a week and I would also go away by yourself/with friends/visit friends 2-3 weekends a year

Whilst this is technically true, parenting a 12yo is much less intense than a 4yo and 6yo, especially when participating in a hobby they enjoy.

the solutions are:

• they don’t do it every single saturday
• you get 1-2 evenings a week for your own hobby