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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said enough is enough now?

28 replies

Deela10 · 30/08/2025 18:00

I was in a relationship with someone for a just under couple of years and I was pregnant age 34, unplanned. He was 40.

Both of us had wanted kids and so I continued the pregnancy. DP had a very stressful job at the time and pretty much had a breakdown when I was 6 months. It meant I gave birth alone and he saw our daughter for a few hours a week for first year. It was awful really but I wanted to make sure Dd knew her dad.

She’s 3 next year and since then DP has been pretty content with the status quo… that is seeing us every weekend and sending over far more than needed by way of financial support.

At the start of the year I said I wanted us to make a proper go of things or draw a line under us. I also said I thought I wanted another child and Dp was keen on this idea and said he would sort out a big enough home for us all by selling his place (a flat), getting a house and then I would rent out my house …I would be moving to him so we would use the rental income towards the mortgage. Around 6 weeks ago I said I wanted this to actually get moving otherwise another year has passed and we may as well accept we want different things. He was adamant he wanted this and was desperate for us all to be together and to ttc at the end of the year.

So that was the plan.

Five weeks have passed and he’s made no progress with valuing his flat let alone listing it.

Excuses include work, he’s been focussed on planning our trip to the Lake District in October, being stuck in the office on calls so has to email agents rather than call them (?!), the fact he was out all Saturday last week with us so didn’t have chance to peel off and make a call.

I have been explicit. When I say I just can’t do this anymore and that if he is remotely uncomfortable with moving forward as we agreed, then he should be honest and we can part ways amicably and do right by Dd. His response is then to say I’m giving him an ultimatum, it’s unfair, he’s doing his best, he loves us. The list goes on. I feel mentally and emotionally drained by it all. I just want peace, not living in limbo.

Am I being unfair to him? Is five weeks a reasonable time to get on with things? I don’t know what to do when I draw a line and he doesn’t accept it, it confuses me so much. I know I sound immature saying that… but it’s genuinely how it feels.

OP posts:
SewingBees · 30/08/2025 18:03

Honestly, I think you would be mad to go ahead and enmesh yourself further with him.

IDontKeepChickensButBelieveTheyExist · 30/08/2025 18:06

I’d say he doesn’t want, or isn’t able, to give you what you want. It is an ultimatum, and one that he has reacted to like a deer frozen in the headlights.

What sort of professional help/support did he get for his mental health?

I’d say you need to be prepared to move on and be single so both of you are no longer living in limbo. This is absolutely not the type of relationship to bring a second child into though, even if you do decide to carry on as you are.

TeaAndTattoos · 30/08/2025 18:06

He’s stringing you along he doesn’t want to live together and he doesn’t want another child he just thinks that if he keeps agreeing to it and then dragging his feet about it you will eventually stop asking about it. In his mind he has perfect world your living alone with your DD and he gets to be the Disney dad coming by for a few hours each week and then walking off and leaving you to it. Why are you wasting your time with him he’s never going to do what you want. So either tell him to do one or carry on being a doormat for him.

Hairyfairy01 · 30/08/2025 18:06

It doesn’t really sound like you are in a relationship atm to be honest.

SpeculatingRooks · 30/08/2025 18:08

Look at what his actions are telling you, not his words

iirbRosb · 30/08/2025 18:09

Sorry OP but I think how it is suits him so he isn’t going to change it. Actions speak louder than words and all that

SuPollardsPolkaDotFrock · 30/08/2025 18:11

Well yes, you are giving him an ultimatum. And he’s not agreeing to it. You’d be absolutely mad to bring another child into this. You need to end it and walk away, not fool yourself that he’s going to play happy families if you ask nicely.

PennySweeet · 30/08/2025 18:11

He was adamant he wanted this and was desperate for us all to be together and to ttc at the end of the year.

Doesn't sound very desperate, does he?

Do not have any more children with this man and definitely don't leave the security of your own home and rent it out.

He wants the sex, the companionship, the child.

And none of the daily grind and responsibilities that go with those things.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/08/2025 18:11

So he doesn’t live with you and your current shared child but you want another child with him, is that right? Having a kid with your ex basically, who clearly doesn’t want one. Strange set up that will be confusing to your child as they grow, don’t have another one in this mess!

YetanotherNC25 · 30/08/2025 18:12

If he wanted to, he would.
So he clearly doesn’t want the life and family that you do.
This has gone on for far too long, and it sounds like it’s never actually been the relationship you want.

Pbjsand · 30/08/2025 18:14

Do you love each other? Why don’t you try having a relationship first rather than relocating and buying a house together.

Original poster
Deela10 · 30/08/2025 18:14

Urgh I feel so shit reading these replies as I know they’re all spot on.

I never envisaged my life like this at all. I can’t see myself meeting anyone else and I am ok with that but sad about not having more dc. Probably too old now anyway!

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/08/2025 18:16

Deela10 · 30/08/2025 18:14

Urgh I feel so shit reading these replies as I know they’re all spot on.

I never envisaged my life like this at all. I can’t see myself meeting anyone else and I am ok with that but sad about not having more dc. Probably too old now anyway!

You never know you might meet someone else, but not while sleeping with your looser ex! Time to move on OP

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2025 18:19

I don't understand what you are doing, are you daft or just delusional?
It is very very clear that he is incapable of being a normal father and part of a family and taking on those responsibilities.... how is this not clear to you?
Stop listening to him, look at his actions, he doesn't want to change anything at all, not really.
End the relationship, don't even think about having another child with him, get some counselling to figure out why you seem to have developed a really big blind spot around this fucked up situation and keep facilitating some form of access for your DDto have with her part time dad.

usedtobeaylis · 30/08/2025 18:32

I think you've made it clear what you want and his actions are telling you he doesn't want the same. I have no idea why he would insist he does, but he's wasting your time and life.

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 18:32

Deela10 · 30/08/2025 18:00

I was in a relationship with someone for a just under couple of years and I was pregnant age 34, unplanned. He was 40.

Both of us had wanted kids and so I continued the pregnancy. DP had a very stressful job at the time and pretty much had a breakdown when I was 6 months. It meant I gave birth alone and he saw our daughter for a few hours a week for first year. It was awful really but I wanted to make sure Dd knew her dad.

She’s 3 next year and since then DP has been pretty content with the status quo… that is seeing us every weekend and sending over far more than needed by way of financial support.

At the start of the year I said I wanted us to make a proper go of things or draw a line under us. I also said I thought I wanted another child and Dp was keen on this idea and said he would sort out a big enough home for us all by selling his place (a flat), getting a house and then I would rent out my house …I would be moving to him so we would use the rental income towards the mortgage. Around 6 weeks ago I said I wanted this to actually get moving otherwise another year has passed and we may as well accept we want different things. He was adamant he wanted this and was desperate for us all to be together and to ttc at the end of the year.

So that was the plan.

Five weeks have passed and he’s made no progress with valuing his flat let alone listing it.

Excuses include work, he’s been focussed on planning our trip to the Lake District in October, being stuck in the office on calls so has to email agents rather than call them (?!), the fact he was out all Saturday last week with us so didn’t have chance to peel off and make a call.

I have been explicit. When I say I just can’t do this anymore and that if he is remotely uncomfortable with moving forward as we agreed, then he should be honest and we can part ways amicably and do right by Dd. His response is then to say I’m giving him an ultimatum, it’s unfair, he’s doing his best, he loves us. The list goes on. I feel mentally and emotionally drained by it all. I just want peace, not living in limbo.

Am I being unfair to him? Is five weeks a reasonable time to get on with things? I don’t know what to do when I draw a line and he doesn’t accept it, it confuses me so much. I know I sound immature saying that… but it’s genuinely how it feels.

Does he struggle with his mental health? He sounds like someone who might struggle with depression (and therefore inaction outside his normal routine).

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2025 18:45

He might genuinely want to put your plan into action Op but his mental health isn't good enough for him to move forward. At the moment he has you and his DC but very few responsibilities and that's all he can manage, he knows if he says No you'll give up on him and move on. You need to get on with your life or you'll always be waiting around for him to change, break up with him and move on. Please don't even think about TTC with him Op, you'll just end up as a single DM with two children instead of one

Donttellempike · 30/08/2025 18:53

Deela10 · 30/08/2025 18:14

Urgh I feel so shit reading these replies as I know they’re all spot on.

I never envisaged my life like this at all. I can’t see myself meeting anyone else and I am ok with that but sad about not having more dc. Probably too old now anyway!

Don’t have another child. To do so would be madness.

YesImaman1100 · 30/08/2025 18:55

Does he have another family / kids etc? Sounds a wee bit like someone I once knew. 2 families!

Either way, you need to end it, move on. (Probably hard to hear)

Pinkissmart · 30/08/2025 19:08

You know, breaking free is less stressful than being stuck in constant uncertainty

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/08/2025 19:10

Deela10 · 30/08/2025 18:14

Urgh I feel so shit reading these replies as I know they’re all spot on.

I never envisaged my life like this at all. I can’t see myself meeting anyone else and I am ok with that but sad about not having more dc. Probably too old now anyway!

How old are you @Deela10

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/08/2025 19:11

And why haven't you insisted on marriage, as you have a child?

Original poster
Deela10 · 30/08/2025 21:21

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne i’m almost 39. I am not too bothered about marriage from a financial perspective as I am fortunate to have some security. Though I did always imagine I would get married one day and we have talked about that too. I guess the second child seemed more important due to the old biological clock.

I think I need to accept I won’t have more children and try and move on with my life. I invested a lot in it because I really wanted to believe he would and could build the life we talked about. But he hasn’t done anything to take those steps. I’m emotionally drained.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deela10 · 30/08/2025 21:23

Pinkissmart · 30/08/2025 19:08

You know, breaking free is less stressful than being stuck in constant uncertainty

@Pinkissmart yes I agree. I’ve been alone all week and now it’s getting colder and darker it will be even worse feeling I’m waiting for the weekend to be a family and then living like a single person in the week. I think part of my fear is thinking I could now be alone always. I may never meet anyone again especially as a single mother. But that’s still better than this situation and I do know that deep down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deela10 · 30/08/2025 21:25

YesImaman1100 · 30/08/2025 18:55

Does he have another family / kids etc? Sounds a wee bit like someone I once knew. 2 families!

Either way, you need to end it, move on. (Probably hard to hear)

@YesImaman1100 no. We speak every night in the week and he’s really focused on Dd at the weekends, makes plans together and is kind to me and caring. But it’s not a commitment and I know that. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to expect him to have set the wheels in motion to find a proper home for us as a family after five weeks.

OP posts:
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