DS18 might get booted from supported accommodation

[Baberg]

my DS turned 18 last week, he’s been in supported accomadtion for a few months cos i cudnt cope at home anymore. it’s a shared house run by the council with staff around some of the time, they help them learn to live independent and got rules they got to stick to, like curfew and no drink/drugs etc.

it got to the point here i was begging social to take over, he was smashing doors, shouting in my face, stealing from me and the little ones. he nicked my debit card once and spent nearly £100 on weed, i reported it but then dropped it cos i cudn’t face him getting arrested. people will probly say that was stupid but i was scared what he’d do if i didn’t. he’s punched holes in the walls, broken his sisters ipad, brought random girls and lads back at 2am, one time 5 of them sat in the living room smoking weed while my younger 2 was crying in bed. i called the police a few times when it got out of hand, but then felt guilty after and didn’t press charges.

when he moved to supported accomadtion the rules were clear: no guests after 10, curfew 10pm weekdays and midnight weekends, no alcohol or drugs inside, keep noise down, attend meetings with his keyworker, cook and clean his own space. i thought maybe he’d do better with outsiders setting rules cos he don’t listen to me. but i’ve had calls already, he’s sneaking girls in, mates hanging round, loud music, the neighbours complaining. staff found alcohol in his room more than once and say it stinks of weed sometimes. he skips his meetings, refuses to cook or clean, just sits in bed all day on his phone.

worse is some nights he don’t even go back there. i’ll get messages at 3am saying he’s at a mates, or he’ll disappear for two days then roll back in. staff told me they’re not a hotel, he has to follow rules or he’s out. he’s already smashed a door there when they told him off, and they said he’s now on final warning.

part of me feels guilty cos maybe i let him get away with too much when he was younger. i did sometimes give him money even when i knew it would go on weed just to keep the peace. i let him stay out all night cos if i tried to stop him he’d just kick off and i couldn’t face another row. so maybe i made it worse. but at the same time i’ve begged him to behave, begged him to think about his future, and he just laughs in my face.

our relationship now is awful. when he wants something he calls me, when i say no he sends nasty messages. he turned up on my doorstep screaming last month cos i refused to transfer him £20. my younger ones were hiding in their room crying. i didn’t let him in but i sat on the sofa shaking for hours after. i feel like he hates me most of the time.

i’m terrified cos i no if he gets thrown out he’ll come here expecting me to take him in, but i can’t. it nearly broke me last time, i was on antidepressants and i couldn’t keep my younger DC safe. but i can already hear people saying “he’s only just turned 18, how can you let your son be homeless?” and i don’t no how i’ll live with myself if he ends up sofa surfing or worse.

AIBU to say he can’t come back here if he gets kicked out? i feel like the worst mum in the world but i carnt go back to that life, my younger DC need peace and safety.

Hugs. my 16 Yr old was in a similar service. not the same level of behaviour but there was violence and reckless behaviour. he was lazing around and doing nothing productive in his old placement but has been better jn his current one.

i wouldn't let him back if inwere you. hasn't learned responsibility.

also no you're not a bad mum for not letting him back in your life at 18. he can find shelters

He cannot come back, you have to keep your younger children safe and they won’t be with him around

I mean this kindly OP, because I know you’re in a tough spot, and I have a son the same age, so you have all my sympathy.

A lot of your posts focus on your feelings, and how it makes you feel when he calls you a bad mum. Tough love doesn’t mean just tough for him - it means it’s tough for you, as well.

Using the trainers as an example - if you’d actually had the money for them, would you have bought them? Maybe. But if you had, it would have been for your benefit, really. It would have made you feel better. It wouldn’t have helped him. Sure, he would have had a new pair of trainers, and that’s nice. But you would have been doing him a disservice, really; teaching him that he can bully you into buying him things, and you’ll do it, because it makes you feel better. Do you see what I mean?

We can’t always be our children’s friends, and the object in being a parent isn’t that they like us all the time. Sometimes they won’t. There’s no way around that. You seem to be making decisions not based on what’s right for him, but on how it makes you feel. A parent won’t feel good about every decision they make - you can be sad about doing something, while still recognising that the child still needs to learn from the experience.

In the nicest way - please don’t enable him to behave badly because it makes you feel better, or because it’s easier not to put up a fight. He needs to learn that his behaviour isn’t making him happy, or anyone around him, and you can’t try and tolerate it because you think it’ll make his life (and yours) easier. It won’t. You’d be doing him a disservice. He’s so young, and he can turn this around. You can be there for him, love him and support him while not allowing him to live with you and your younger children.

I think your priority should be to protect your children, the ones who are still children. You can still support your son by helping him find alternative accommodation when he is evicted. If you're the poster who has posted about this situation before though, I'm not sure you're able or willing to do this.

That is such a compassionate and well-written post @smallpinecone.

He sounds mentally very unwell to me. How on earth and when did it all start to go so wrong for him?
What was his past like?
I agree that you cannot have him home, but there has to be a backstory for him to be this fucked up.

i posted above

dd showed me his snapchat story from last night, he was sat outside in the rain looking totally out of it. he’d put weird writing on it, like “no one cares” and “better off on my own”. it was horrible to see. he didn’t go back to his place at all, i had a call this morning from staff saying he never came in and they’ll be calling a meeting with him about it this week. they didn’t sound very hopeful.

he’s been messaging me today saying he needs money for the bus cos he has to go to the job centre tomorrow or they’ll stop his money. i don’t even know if he’s telling the truth, but if he doesn’t go then his UC will stop and he’ll be straight back at me for money for food. i feel like it’s never ending.

i don’t want to hand him cash cos i know where it goes but then if i don’t help him at all he’ll just spiral even more. i don’t know how to handle it anymore.

Do the buses around you do multi journey tickets? So you could buy him a card for 20 journeys? You’re right, just giving him money won’t help, but this way you are still supporting him.

I fear you are going to have to stay strong and he can’t come home. His behaviour won’t improve and will probably get worse if you do.

Don’t lose hope, he might just have to go through the angry young man stage and come back to the son you recognise from before. Lots of parents dismiss the damaging effects of weed and alcohol and the divorce so will try to pin all the blame on you (remember women are the reason all men behave badly according to some) but best parenting in the world won’t stop some going off the rails, and no one does best parenting all the time, we are all fallible and make mistakes.

Can he walk to the job centre? How far is it?

Can you buy him a bus pass on the bus app that he can use on his phone? You could buy him a week long one that he then can't sell or lose. Most of the major bus companies do these now. He's got a phone for Snapchat use so don't see why he can't use it for a bus ticket.

Him talking to your eldest dd. It may be worth getting her some support or just linking her to resources about drug addiction. There are good ones for family of addicts, perhaps have a look what's in your area for you and for her. I know a friend got their teens support in a similar situation. Also, she needs to know not to lend him cash or let him in the house when you're out. 😔

they do weekly tickets and day tickets here, he’d probably just get the day one for £6. i know it doesn’t sound loads but even if i give him that he could still use it toward weed if he’s only short a couple of quid, so i don’t really see how it helps much. i don’t mind helping him get to the job centre but i don’t want to feel like i’m just funding the weed again.

it’s about a 45 minute walk into the city centre so i doubt he’d do it. he’d probably just not bother showing up, which then means his UC gets messed up and it all spirals again. it’s about 20 minutes on the bus and the bus stop is literally right outside the job centre so no effort once he’s on it.

Your son has a drug habit, and has probably had the habit for several years. Cannabis can cause MH issues, mood swings, depression etc. However, if a person already has MH issues, it will make it much worse. You can't force your son to seek drug support, he has to want to stop himself. At the moment he thinks the weed is harmless, and he can't see that he has a problem. Unfortunately, excessive weed use,can lead to harder/stronger drug taking and/or alcohol abuse. He's not making good choices, and some of it will be down to immaturity but the rest is drug fueled. Therapy and drug support is needed, but it won't work if he refuses to engage. Your priority has to be your younger children. They need a safe home, and if your son moves back, they won't have that. You are going to have to be strong and refuse to have your son back home. If that means you need to call the police, and press charges, then that's what you must do.

The Weed is a vicious cycle. It may well calm him, but when it wears off the anger will kick in again. Unfortunately there are not usually treatment programmes for Cannabis addiction, probably because there are not substitutes that can be prescribed as part of a support regime. Sadly he is an addict and addicts are rarely able to prioritize anything other than their addiction. He will need to want to change before he can change.

I agree with all the other posters that you need to put the needs of your other children first. Don't let him in, give him food or bus passes not money, meet him in a neutral venue where there are people around. Call the police if he turns up and won't go away. Whether you support court proceedings is a difficult call for you to make, but the police maybe limited in what they can do without a court order, but they can still attend and remove him if he is causing a disturbance outside your home.

I wonder if it would be helpful for your ds to experience the consequences of his actions - and perhaps he’s trying to find the boundaries - even if it’s subconsciously. He hasn’t been experienced any criminal justice consequences for his violent and threatening behaviour or his stealing. He’s been given chance after chance. But he doesn’t seem to want the chances. He might have to find himself kicked out of the accommodation to really understand that there are consequences for what he does.

I sympathise about the weed. It’s an awful, awful drug that does so much damage.

I think by the staff contacting you they are attempting to keep you in the picture about the extreme nature of your son’s behaviour and the realistic level of support that can reasonably be provided to someone (an adult) with that extreme level of behaviour once they reach adulthood.

They are not really expecting you to step in, nor should you with the level of risk your son poses to your younger children and yourself.

He needs to be supported not enabled so the boundaries are absolutely necessary and if he is not in a place to accept the support then he needs to learn by experience how to do that in his life.

It is incredibly sad but you cannot save him from his behaviour and choices.

It sounds very very difficult

but you cannot have him return to your home. You haven’t “kicked him out”, he’s made it impossible for him to live with you.

tell SS (and him!) that you are not having him back under any circumstances. He’s an adult now and needs to stand on his own two feet and deal with the situation he finds himself in.

I used to walk 45mins each way to the city centre where I went to university and a job.

Honestly I'd make it very clear to your son that you are stepping away and there will be no more money or bus tickets or giving in. Life will be what he makes it to some extent, he does sound like he went a bit off the rails and I think you gave in a lot for an easy life. But the time for that has to come to an end and he has to grow up. You have to be hard with him now cause hes not a child. My sister went through a similar self destructive aggressive cycle with the weed although not to the same extent but eventually my mum realised she had to stop making allowances and let her figure things out. Thankfully she did but shes still a very difficult character.

Essentially what you're doing and what you have been doing isnt working so you need to change it. Also are you getting any MH support?

Is he the oldest out of your children?

Give him a one way ticket to Cambodia/Nairobi etc. Make him stand on his own 2 feet.🙄

he is my eldest. i think when he’s asking for money he means for the bus app but i just don’t trust that he’ll actually use it for that. he says he has no money at all but i don’t believe it, it just goes straight on weed. i’ve told him to talk to the staff about it but he said they won’t help, they’ll just tell him he needs to be more careful with his money which he doesn’t want to hear.

Has he had any diagnoses?

Well the staff are right aren’t they? He may not want to hear it but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
As hard as it is, you need to drop the rope. Let him fail. With you keep bailing him out he doesn’t have any incentive to change really does he?

I can’t edit my post now. I wanted to add, is he getting any mental health support/ someone to talk to?