DS18 might get booted from supported accommodation

[Baberg]

my DS turned 18 last week, he’s been in supported accomadtion for a few months cos i cudnt cope at home anymore. it’s a shared house run by the council with staff around some of the time, they help them learn to live independent and got rules they got to stick to, like curfew and no drink/drugs etc.

it got to the point here i was begging social to take over, he was smashing doors, shouting in my face, stealing from me and the little ones. he nicked my debit card once and spent nearly £100 on weed, i reported it but then dropped it cos i cudn’t face him getting arrested. people will probly say that was stupid but i was scared what he’d do if i didn’t. he’s punched holes in the walls, broken his sisters ipad, brought random girls and lads back at 2am, one time 5 of them sat in the living room smoking weed while my younger 2 was crying in bed. i called the police a few times when it got out of hand, but then felt guilty after and didn’t press charges.

when he moved to supported accomadtion the rules were clear: no guests after 10, curfew 10pm weekdays and midnight weekends, no alcohol or drugs inside, keep noise down, attend meetings with his keyworker, cook and clean his own space. i thought maybe he’d do better with outsiders setting rules cos he don’t listen to me. but i’ve had calls already, he’s sneaking girls in, mates hanging round, loud music, the neighbours complaining. staff found alcohol in his room more than once and say it stinks of weed sometimes. he skips his meetings, refuses to cook or clean, just sits in bed all day on his phone.

worse is some nights he don’t even go back there. i’ll get messages at 3am saying he’s at a mates, or he’ll disappear for two days then roll back in. staff told me they’re not a hotel, he has to follow rules or he’s out. he’s already smashed a door there when they told him off, and they said he’s now on final warning.

part of me feels guilty cos maybe i let him get away with too much when he was younger. i did sometimes give him money even when i knew it would go on weed just to keep the peace. i let him stay out all night cos if i tried to stop him he’d just kick off and i couldn’t face another row. so maybe i made it worse. but at the same time i’ve begged him to behave, begged him to think about his future, and he just laughs in my face.

our relationship now is awful. when he wants something he calls me, when i say no he sends nasty messages. he turned up on my doorstep screaming last month cos i refused to transfer him £20. my younger ones were hiding in their room crying. i didn’t let him in but i sat on the sofa shaking for hours after. i feel like he hates me most of the time.

i’m terrified cos i no if he gets thrown out he’ll come here expecting me to take him in, but i can’t. it nearly broke me last time, i was on antidepressants and i couldn’t keep my younger DC safe. but i can already hear people saying “he’s only just turned 18, how can you let your son be homeless?” and i don’t no how i’ll live with myself if he ends up sofa surfing or worse.

AIBU to say he can’t come back here if he gets kicked out? i feel like the worst mum in the world but i carnt go back to that life, my younger DC need peace and safety.

Since it's a council run supported living place Social Services will presumably have been told about all this, so I doubt he'll be made homeless if they evict him.
Most likely he'll be found a place in a hostel, though I believe they're not actually obliged to do this if the eviction's the tenant's fault

They'll very likely tell you he'll be homeless though, in an attempt to make him your problem instead, so personally I'd get in first and make it VERY lear to them that returning to you isn't an option

YANBU. Call the police if he turns up at your door.

It’s really sad to read this but maybe you were young when you had him and you clearly didn’t get support from his father. Whatever the reasons why things have gone so wrong for your son, you now need to focus on your younger children. The consequences of his life choices will hopefully straighten him out.

You seem concerned what people will think of you if he’s sofa surfing etc. well, to be blunt, if all your children turn out like this the people who judge will judge you more.

Please ask social services or your children’s school for a parenting course so you can do your part as best you can. I’m not saying it’s all your fault at all, there are plenty of kids who get into weed and it brings out the worst in them and plenty of kids whose dads don’t bother with them much and sometimes this makes the kids feel rejected and angry. But you can learn tough love and to help your younger children learn there are consequences for bad behaviour. you seem too swayed by what people think, other people judging you and your older son, your son’s opinion of you. I think you need to work out what’s right and stick to it, even if your kids complain and say they don’t like you. They’ll grow out of it and think well of you in the long run if you are strong, kind, fair and acting in their best long term interests.

Drop the rope. You’ve danced around trying to please him and keep the peace instead of saying no and creating healthy boundaries for yourself and your other children. He’s this way because he knows that kicking off works. Stop giving him the opportunity. I’d let him know that his behaviour isn’t acceptable, that you love him, but you will not be supporting him financially anymore and you will not be providing him with a place to live. Block him. Call the police if he turns up making threats. Otherwise, don’t answer the door.

He needs to learn to stand on his own to two feet and also to realise that in the real world acting like a little shit doesn’t get you far. He needs to sort out his living situation and find work. You have done way more than you should have. Now you put yourself and your younger children first.

Unfortunately the only way forward here is boundaries.

He is playing on your guilt. He has no empathy for you or his siblings. You can't help him. Find your convictions and stand by them. He is an adult and needs to sort himself out. You have younger children to protect. Set boundaries and call the police if he threatens you or them.

I know it feels impossible...but he has no respect or concern for you and the only way forward is to draw some boundaries and protect yourself and your other kids.

YANBU, in fact I’d get the locks changed if he has a key…

He is 18 and needs to take responsibility for his own choices - as pp said, he’s under the care of social services so unlikely to end up homeless.

Sorry I haven’t read all yo ur posts so this may have been covered but what is being doing to address his cannabis addiction?

It sounds like this the root of a lot of his problems. A change of scenery to supported accommodation is not going to make an addict go clean.

Sadly I’d keep him away from your younger children, him and his mates are a risk to their safety. Strangers in the house are a risk to them, they are very vulnerable if he is hanging around with drug users.

YANBU - you must safeguard your younger children. His behaviour is dangerous and violent and the younger ones do not deserve to live in fear.

Reiterate to the staff at the home that they cannot call you - he is 18, legally an adult and I'm not sure what they actually want you to do. If they ring, ignore the call. If he isn't back by curfew, they can ring the police - that's what they are there for.

If he has keys, get the locks changed.

If he turns up, ring the police - explain that you are worried for your safety and that of your younger children.

As others said, he likely won't be up homeless- probably he will get a place in a hostel. If he does sofa surf with mates, harsh as it sounds, so be it.

He is an adult now and needs to take some responsibility for himself and his actions.

I'd let his SW know he can't come back as you're safeguarding the younger dc. They'll maybe find a place in a hostel for him.I have a feeling how much he's still supported depends on whether he's been a dc in care for 13 weeks, but I'm not sure.

This is a very complicated situation for you I know its hard because he is your son and you love him still but hes old enough to take accountability for his actions and he clearly doesnt. He needs some tough love, I wouldnt take him in under any circumstances.

Christ he sounds like my next door neighbour’s son. Please don’t let him back home.

I'm sorry OP it's a bloody awful situation for you and please don't blame yourself for parenting mistakes - none of us are perfect and it sounds like you have been trying hard to keep the peace for your younger ones sake.

I think you have to tell him clearly that you love him but he will not be moving home if he gets kicked out of his supported accommodation. You need to stand firm on this - it's not being a terrible mother, it's being a good mother - he needs to feel the consequences of his actions. Sometimes the hardest thing is to stand by and do nothing. He's 18 and needs to take accountability for his own life.

I won't sugar coat it - things may get worse before they get better. He may need to hit rock bottom to find a way to turn his life around.

If he turns up at your home being abusive, you need to call the police and have him removed. Again, this is the consequence of his actions. You need to safeguard your younger children.

I hope that in time things resolve for you and for him.

There’s no way he can or should move back in with you.

Please change the locks and review your security. Get support from the police if you need it.

Your younger children must come first - no more feeling scared in their own home.

Mute calls and messages from him and the accommodation people. You need a long break from the drama, worry and abuse.

I would also stop telling “people” what’s going on with Ds. Do these people have very young kids or no kids by any chance? They may not know how addictive weed is compared to the past and it’s often luck that more kids don’t end up going down the same road as your son. While you might feel better talking about things, the judgement you’re getting and the shame that you’re made to feel probably cancels out the positive.

When did it go so badly wrong with him op?

There's already plenty of advice on the thread of what to do right now - but I would honestly also dig deep and focus on when this started. To try and take a preventative approach with the other dc and stop this happening again.

YANBU - he is 18, the younger kids need protecting.

No ideas I’m afraid, but I’m sorry you are going through that

As hard as it is you cannot allow him back. Your younger children need to be safeguarded and he is now an adult ultimately. Your other children are children and have to come first. I would also be saying the same to the accommodation - do not contact you. If they are concerned then they need to be contacting emergency services or another trusted party as you are not legally responsible for him now he is 18, as hard as that is.

Sounds like a pain in the arse! He’ll have to get on with it and realise the consequences of his actions. If there is no medical/ND reasons for him acting this way then I have no sympathy. You need to look after your younger children and keep them
safe

Why can't you call his dad... Get your exs family to call.your ex....

Get him involved.

Why are men today still allowed to do this?

You say he isnt in their lives - make it his problem?

Block the shared homes number.

Let social services know that under no circumstances will be allowed in your home it’s not his home and you have young children to safeguard from a violent adult male.

Change your locks if you haven’t. If you feel the mum guilt to help when he says he has no food. Order him a food shop no cash.

The only person ruining his life
Is himself.
He's on the verge of fucking up the supported accommodation and it will be someone else's fault.
He's an entitled brat and it's going to catch-up with him.
Do not take him back in!!

he doesn’t have a key so he can’t just walk in, but i’ve spoken to him about what would happen if he got kicked out. i told him straight that he can’t come back here, we need to keep the younger dc safe, and he’d have to sort himself out somewhere else. he didn’t really take it in, just shrugged.

to give you a bit of history, i split with his dad while i was pregnant with the youngest, but tbh he wasn’t really hands-on even when he was living here. he had an affair and DS always blamed me, said it was my fault our dad left him, and around the same time he was getting bullied at school. he was 13 and that’s when i noticed his behaviour really change, became angry all the time, started sneaking off with older lads.

i tried getting help via the school when the bullying happened but they just accepted it was “banter” and didn’t punish the boys. i tried to get him into a 14+ college after that, he made progress academically but at home it was like nothing changed, just worse and worse.

i tried getting him to the GP for his mental health, especially when he said he was tired all the time, really low mood sometimes, but they brushed it off and told him to go to bed earlier, acted like we were wasting their time. i felt helpless, like no-one took him seriously.

his sister is a year younger than him and i know it’s not her job, but she tried to help. she’d include him in hangouts with her friends, tried to keep him involved, but then he fancied one of them. he told her by giving her flowers in front of everyone, she didn’t feel the same, and he took it badly. he said they were all laughing at him, got angry, then smashed DD’s iPad. after that he and his sister barely speak, she doesn’t want anything to do with him now, and that really breaks my heart.

i’ve told him i’ll go with him to the GP or drug services if he wants, i’ll even make the appointments, but he won’t. he says cannabis isn’t a drug, everyone smokes it, and i’m overreacting. he doesn’t see it as a problem and refuses any help, even though it’s clearly at the root of so much of his anger and behaviour.

i just don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve tried everything, from talking to school, college, GP, social services, even trying to be the “cool” mum so he’d open up. nothing works. and now i’m left worrying if he gets kicked out what will happen next, cos he’s not ready to live alone and he refuses to accept any support.

Hi x sending you a hug firstly, because it’s shite ! One of our children has bpd , autism and adhd , and due to unsafe behaviour is going into supported living. It’s brutal, heartbreaking and we are our own critics . Child is 22 now, and finally , there is a glimmer of hope. Child needs very firm boundaries, and that has been the only thing I can do. If your child is choosing to buy weed etc instead of food; that’s a them problem ; you can only advise .
there are many times I’ve had to tell our child to call back when they are going to be respectful etc, and it’s killed me inside each time, and will continue too. We equally have others at home . There is no quick solution, but the sooner you put boundaries in the sooner your child will improve xx

Can you get SS to tell you/ supported living that he can't come back to yours due to safety concerns then it isn't you being the bad guy?