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AIBU?

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Original poster

Emotional affair?

34 replies

Isotired · 30/08/2025 12:19

Been with my husband for 16 years. A lot of history between us. I think if I wrote everything out people would say ltb, buts it’s not that simple.

husband has a female friend that they share a hobby

he meets her for lunch and doesn’t tell me as forgot to

gives her money as a donation to a passion of hers

deletes messages and talks to her multiple times a day

the messages are not sexual but are over the boundary for a friendship as he doesn’t message me like that

There is nothing sexual BUT its emotional intimacy.

Even telling her stuff before he’s told me like an after thought.

it’s an emotional affair isn’t it? Even though it’s not sexual at all.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 30/08/2025 12:25

It certainly sounds like it. But you say there are other difficulties with the marriage, so why are you staying with him?

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 12:29

i really struggle to understand how he can do this behaviour when he’s a genuinely amazing person. I love him. He’s a great father. He’s just closed off emotionally to me but he is with most people.

Im a positive strong woman, I don’t think little of myself, I have a job, kids, friends and we make each others lives good. He’s supportive and kind which makes him doing this so hurtful and strange.

Im still processing it and he’s going to counselling himself to understand why he’s like this. I have 2 kids with him so it’s not cut and dry leaving him because our lives are so entangled.

OP posts:
araiwa · 30/08/2025 12:49

I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship

QuickFawn · 30/08/2025 12:51

Kindly, why waste more time with someone who doesn’t love you or treat you with the respect you deserve?
there’s no drip feed that would make that acceptable

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 12:54

In my head if you are deleting messages and concealing omitting information to you spouse, then you’re in rocky territory.

im not a jealous person and have never policed friendships so if it was a big standard friendship then why hide it?

also telling her stuff that I didn’t even know about his job, wants, likes, fears etc.

Wishing her happy Mother’s Day and good mornings and how proud he is of her and her achievements.

OP posts:
ThisCanFuckOffToo · 30/08/2025 12:54

I’ve got male friends I message much more than I message my husband, who I rarely message because I live with him!

The deleting messages is the concern here. How do you know what they say if he deletes them?

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 12:55

i really struggle to understand how he can do this behaviour

what, develop a friendship with someone, which might (or might ) not go to something deeper? He's not doing anything wrong, he has friends. Maybe that friendship will develop into something else, maybe not.

If your relationship is stagnant or towards the end, it's natural to move on.

People take relationships for granted, and don't make efforts and try to keep spark flying, they just drown into comfort and routine, but it's a killer frankly.

You can't stop him from having friends, but you can work on your own relationship with him. Ignore the friend, start having hobbies together, having fun, speak about more interesting things that mundane boring nonsense. It's your own interest, you want a partner for you, not a boring presence.

NeatKoala · 30/08/2025 13:00

araiwa · 30/08/2025 12:49

I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship

I think friendship could be your brother. As close (or closer) but with the very strict boundaries you naturally have with a brother, it's not even a question.

Emotional affair, it's deep friendship BUT going into physical territories to, attraction come into play and people fall for each other and want to be together. The old relationship is dying or already dead, and emotional affair is the start of a new relationship.

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 13:02

QuickFawn · 30/08/2025 12:51

Kindly, why waste more time with someone who doesn’t love you or treat you with the respect you deserve?
there’s no drip feed that would make that acceptable

Edited

Because I’m really struggling. It’s like looking at a completely different person and I know he’s sorry.

I am drip feeding because if I posted the shit he’s
done I want to smack my head against a wall.

This is what I wanted to originally post but if my friend said this to me I’d tell them LTB!

Basically does this look like an emotional affair? I want to start by saying I have never policed friendships. I believe you can have male and female friends but there are boundaries.

so he started up a friendship, couple of meetings at a shared hobby, then dh is going to visit his sister in London. I asked to go to but he wanted to spend time with his sister so I couldn’t. No probs.

however he finally answered my calls after ages and he’s not with his sister but been out all day in London. Says he met a friend for lunch and forgot to tell me.

Bit miffed because I could have gone with him as he apparently didn’t meet his sister till the evening.

Didn’t think more of it but my spidey senses are going off. Cue a few months later and I’m on his phone trying to sort gcse options for our ds and I think I’ll have a look.

Turns out there’s nothing there. He’s deleted everything. I ask him why and he says he panicked because he forgot to tell me. I’m very upset as not 4 years ago he had cut off a very good friend of his because he started having feelings for her.

we have had 2 rounds of marriage counselling after this.

Recently he’s been messaging her a lot and it’s like I’m in a fever dream because he’s telling her stuff he hasn’t told me and after everything he keeps starting up these emotional connections with someone who is me.

I feel like a fucking fool and I’m so hurt but I love him although this recent event has made me feel very different than the other times. Now I know he will do this again I can feel it and I deserve better.

Im a good person, I’m funny, kind, intelligent (contry to the evidence) and I know I’m a catch.

One part of me feels like he’s vunteable and I love him and I need to help him through this, the other part wants to scream and fuck him off.

im not the arguing type and prefer to think about things before acting.

I hate him but fucking love him. It’s so confusing

OP posts:
PanderBare · 30/08/2025 13:03

araiwa · 30/08/2025 12:49

I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship

@araiwa, I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship
The term emotional affair describes a bond between two people that mimics or matches the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while not being physically consummated.

Emotional affair - Wikipedia

Forgot to clear the quote.

Bluesey · 30/08/2025 13:08

OP I don't know why everyone is suggesting they're just friends or that they think an emotional affair is just friends or that they don't know what the difference is.

An emotional affair is a friendship where you'd like to be having sex but aren't yet. It's where you put the other person before your own spouse.

He is giving this woman money that could be spent on your family, he is deleting messages and being secretive about lunches, No doubt the messages aren't sexual because those are the ones that are being deleted! You know this 'friendship' is different from the other friendships he has - and that's the biggest red flag.

Don't let people gas light you into the idea that this is just a friendship and that you're mad to think otherwise - none of this is ok or normal. But of course he doesn't want to burn his bridges with you - he just wants to be able to develop this relationship on the side.

All i know for sure OP is that you deserve much better than this.

QuickFawn · 30/08/2025 13:09

Isotired · 30/08/2025 13:02

Because I’m really struggling. It’s like looking at a completely different person and I know he’s sorry.

I am drip feeding because if I posted the shit he’s
done I want to smack my head against a wall.

This is what I wanted to originally post but if my friend said this to me I’d tell them LTB!

Basically does this look like an emotional affair? I want to start by saying I have never policed friendships. I believe you can have male and female friends but there are boundaries.

so he started up a friendship, couple of meetings at a shared hobby, then dh is going to visit his sister in London. I asked to go to but he wanted to spend time with his sister so I couldn’t. No probs.

however he finally answered my calls after ages and he’s not with his sister but been out all day in London. Says he met a friend for lunch and forgot to tell me.

Bit miffed because I could have gone with him as he apparently didn’t meet his sister till the evening.

Didn’t think more of it but my spidey senses are going off. Cue a few months later and I’m on his phone trying to sort gcse options for our ds and I think I’ll have a look.

Turns out there’s nothing there. He’s deleted everything. I ask him why and he says he panicked because he forgot to tell me. I’m very upset as not 4 years ago he had cut off a very good friend of his because he started having feelings for her.

we have had 2 rounds of marriage counselling after this.

Recently he’s been messaging her a lot and it’s like I’m in a fever dream because he’s telling her stuff he hasn’t told me and after everything he keeps starting up these emotional connections with someone who is me.

I feel like a fucking fool and I’m so hurt but I love him although this recent event has made me feel very different than the other times. Now I know he will do this again I can feel it and I deserve better.

Im a good person, I’m funny, kind, intelligent (contry to the evidence) and I know I’m a catch.

One part of me feels like he’s vunteable and I love him and I need to help him through this, the other part wants to scream and fuck him off.

im not the arguing type and prefer to think about things before acting.

I hate him but fucking love him. It’s so confusing

Show quote history

So he’s done it before and now he’s doing it again
will it be the third time you finally say that’s enough 🤷‍♀️

I’m at a loss as to why he’s vulnerable because he can’t stop himself messaging other woman?

PanderBare · 30/08/2025 13:17

@Bluesey , not everyone is, but threads about a DP/DH having a close friend of the opposite sex always seem to draw posters who claim it's perfectly OK to have such a relationship.

It's obvious from the OP that her DH is having an emotional affair.

Diarygirlqueen · 30/08/2025 13:26

Oh OP, this is such shit behaviour.
You were amazing to forgive him before but it appears he's learnt no lesson. Please don't forgive him again.
You seem strong and know your self-worth, don't let him damage that anymore.
All the best OP.

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 13:57

Thank you for everyone’s kind words. I can’t believe he has done this after everything. Forgiveness, counselling and 16 years of our life together.

the other times I poured my heart into fixing our relationship and it feels like he’s shit all over it.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 30/08/2025 14:01

He knows he's doing something he shouldn't ; this is why he didn't tell you about his plans of meeting her in London and deleted all his messages. He's already having an affair. It sounds like the beginning of a romantic relationship where you see the other partner with rose tinted glasses. He gives her money, that's family money he's giving away.

He's basically behaving like he's single and they are now in the honeymoon phase. She will look upon him with interest and adoration and he loves it. Ofcourse you don't see your partner in that mysterious way after marriage and kids.

Why do you think they are not having sex? And let's say we're to believe him, what difference does it make? He's clearly in love and not too worried about it because you forgave him last time. If I were you I would leave him. He will regret it. I doubt you will.

arcticpandas · 30/08/2025 14:04

Oh, and you don't have to tell us she's younger and that he wants to save/protect her because she's going through/has gone through some hard times. They are so fucking predictable. 🙄

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 14:09

He has blocked her now after I got a message off her saying she isn’t involved with my husband and she has her husband etc which I took as her finding out I knew about their messages and she’s closing rank, I didn’t reply to her message and just blocked her. She’s had a hard time with trying launch her passion and he’s also married with kids that’s why they met for lunch according to my husband.

OP posts:
Mommyfor4 · 30/08/2025 14:36

I suspected my husband of cheating on me 10 years ago. I bought a keylogger online. I could put it on my husband's cell phone online. I didn't have to physically touch my husband's cell phone in any way and it was on all the time, secretly from my husband. My husband had no way of knowing, that I could monitor everything he did on his cell phone. It basically recorded everything on my husband's cell phone. Messages, chats, emails, passwords. It could even listen in the background. Well, I found out that my husband was having an affair. My husband ended the affair and we continued our marriage.

I would advise you to do the same. This way you would be sure, that your husband has ended the relationship with this woman. At the same time, you can make sure that your husband doesn't have anything else going on with other women. Strength to you.

DiscoBob · 30/08/2025 14:36

araiwa · 30/08/2025 12:49

I've never understood the difference between emotional affair and friendship

I know what you mean. If it's not sexual then why call it an affair? It's a close friendship. The sort that would not be frowned upon at all if the friend was the same sex. It does seem like there's a very blurred boundary.

That's not to say it couldn't sometimes be inappropriate, or unpalatable to the person's partner.

But to me an affair has to be sexual/romantic.

PanderBare · 30/08/2025 14:40

@DiscoBob , it's not the same as a close friendship. There is usually an emotional involvement that you don't have with a close friend. There is often secrecy.

Basically, it's a romance or affair without the physical part, and it often develops into an affair.

DiscoBob · 30/08/2025 14:47

PanderBare · 30/08/2025 14:40

@DiscoBob , it's not the same as a close friendship. There is usually an emotional involvement that you don't have with a close friend. There is often secrecy.

Basically, it's a romance or affair without the physical part, and it often develops into an affair.

I guess I've just never experienced anything like that. I've had close friendships with both sexes, and yes you sometimes tell them things you don't tell your partner, or moan about your partner to them. But if there's no sexual attraction then it's a friendship. If there is sexual attraction then it's just an affair in waiting I suppose. I have just never been sexually attracted to my close friends I guess.

Original poster
Isotired · 30/08/2025 15:05

I really don’t want to waste my energy tracking his phone and his behaviour. I feel now that I cannot dictate or control his behaviour nor can I mold him into this person that I fell in love with.

he’s done this and that’s on him.

Before I was trying to do everything to make it better and forgive him because I love him.

Now I feel like there’s no point in me bending over backwards when it’s likely to happen again.

OP posts:
PanderBare · 30/08/2025 15:43

@DiscoBob , have you ever felt you couldn't wait to see someone again? Maybe as a teenager when you couldn't stop telling anyone who'd listen about how wonderful Steve/Emma from the youth club was. Maybe you doodled his/her name with hearts round it.

It's that sort of mentality, but the relationship isn't physical, and the besotted one is married/in a LTR. The other person might just think it's a friendship, or they might enjoy it.

If it was a close friendship, you'd be quite open about going for a coffee with the friend, but in the EA, the meetings are secret, the messages are deleted, etc.

Typically, the EAP will be a damsel-in-distress e.g. newly-single friend/single mum/younger colleague, and there is a 'hobby' they share. The 'DH' willbe the knight in shining armour.
(The OP never discloses the hobby because it would be outing, and many of the posters will press for more info on the hobby. Many of the thread replies will insist that it is absolutely fine for a man and woman to have a special close relationship because they have them, despite the OP having made clear that her DH is besotted with the EAP)

Sorry for derailing

DiscoBob · 30/08/2025 16:07

PanderBare · 30/08/2025 15:43

@DiscoBob , have you ever felt you couldn't wait to see someone again? Maybe as a teenager when you couldn't stop telling anyone who'd listen about how wonderful Steve/Emma from the youth club was. Maybe you doodled his/her name with hearts round it.

It's that sort of mentality, but the relationship isn't physical, and the besotted one is married/in a LTR. The other person might just think it's a friendship, or they might enjoy it.

If it was a close friendship, you'd be quite open about going for a coffee with the friend, but in the EA, the meetings are secret, the messages are deleted, etc.

Typically, the EAP will be a damsel-in-distress e.g. newly-single friend/single mum/younger colleague, and there is a 'hobby' they share. The 'DH' willbe the knight in shining armour.
(The OP never discloses the hobby because it would be outing, and many of the posters will press for more info on the hobby. Many of the thread replies will insist that it is absolutely fine for a man and woman to have a special close relationship because they have them, despite the OP having made clear that her DH is besotted with the EAP)

Sorry for derailing

Edited

Thank you. Yeah I think I kind of get it. Thanks to your description.