Emotional affair?

[Isotired]

Been with my husband for 16 years. A lot of history between us. I think if I wrote everything out people would say ltb, buts it’s not that simple.

husband has a female friend that they share a hobby

he meets her for lunch and doesn’t tell me as forgot to

gives her money as a donation to a passion of hers

deletes messages and talks to her multiple times a day

the messages are not sexual but are over the boundary for a friendship as he doesn’t message me like that

There is nothing sexual BUT its emotional intimacy.

Even telling her stuff before he’s told me like an after thought.

it’s an emotional affair isn’t it? Even though it’s not sexual at all.

Launch her passion? Sounds exotic.

@Isotired , the man you fell in love with has gone. He might come back, but he'll probably go away again.

It's up to you whether you stay with him or not. It would be a good idea to consult a divorce lawyer or similar to find out where you would stand, should you divorce or separate from him.

In the long run, it might be better to split now and focus on co-parenting, but if that's up to you.

I’ve been in your position.

A female friend he met at work,he started socialising with her outside of work,started sharing a hobby too.

Then came the mentionitis,the inappropriate amount of messages,the phone calls,the talking to her in a way he didn’t talk to me,oversharing,the eagerness to please her,the emotional intimacy between them.

He claims he wasn’t attracted to her nor had romantic feelings for her yet he was devoting more time to her and their friendship than to me and our marriage.

It also went on for a very long time as it’s hard to disengage that type of behaviour as it becomes habitual.

It almost destroyed my marriage;I also booted him out for awhile over this bollocks with her.

It took him a long time to admit it was an emotional affair;he’s very remorseful for what he did to me and our relationship especially as my ultimatum was lose her or lose me.

It’s been 5 years since and it still niggles at me despite how sorry he still is that it happened.

2nd time in 4 years (that you know of?) He's taking the piss. Do you love him or do you love the life you have with/because of him? Both are absolutely valid reasons to stay, but my god you will be eaten up by this, bitterness will eat away at you until you are shell of the woman you are.

What is he getting from these fantasy relationships that he isn't getting from your marriage? There's something missing, and it may not be something that you are able to resolve, but that's on him, not you.

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Better to end a 16 year marriage with a shred of self dignity than look back on 40 years of feeling second best.

Yeah 2nd time in 4 years.

OP this is not ok. I have a make best friend and I have never ever felt the need to delete messages or mislead my DH when spending time with them.

You’ve been very reasonable about his behaviour and he’s abused the trust and space you’ve given him. I think a good question is “how can you justify lying to me about the lunch(es) and time spent in conversation with the other woman?”. Also ask to meet her, suggest he invites her over to the house for a drink. This will flush out the truth of the relationship. I’m sorry - it’s a feeling of the ground sliding away from you that I am well familiar with.

Today I feel differently. He’s so upset and says he hates his behaviour hence the copy selling and he hates he hurt me.

I gave him a hug, I hate he is hurting.

Hi, just wanted check on how is your marriage doing today? Did you manage to work things out with your husband?