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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i end things

31 replies

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 07:40

My partner and i have been together nearly 4 years now and i have a 12 year old son with ASD from a previous relationship.

I was single for 8 years before meeting my current partner. Life was very hard, i was and still am a below average wage earner and had no qualifications. Once my son received his diagnosis, his future became a great source of anxiety for me, he is unlikely to work when he gets older and my life became about trying to provide a better future. I put myself through college to gain a qualification and worked 2 jobs from 7am -11pm and managed to go from over 5k in debt to 15k saved. I attempted to get on the housing market but it fell through due to some structual issues with the house.

I then met my current partner and after a year together we bought a property together. Since then, ive been unable to save any money. My partner always wants to go out on weekends away, day trips, expensive holidays, Italy, Marrakech, trip around Europe. We have sat down and i have had honest discussions with her about how i cant afford to do these things and im living in a constant cycle of debt and anxiety due to not providing a safety net for my son should anything happen to me.

Earlier this year, we wrote down the things we both needed. I wrote, no holidays and to get my credit card paid off. She agreed to this. Then two months later, she said lets just have a 4 day break to Albania, its cheap, i have free flights, so i reluctantly agreed. She then chamged this to Madrid, booked an expensive hotel, an expensive hotel at the airport and we ate out every day/night and it quickly became a £700 each short break. In addition we had a conversation about Wills. She wants me to put in a will that i wont give my son my share of the house in case of my death as she doesnt want to sell the house.

At this point, if i did this, i have nothing to leave him, so im in a worse position then 4 years ago. Its severely impacted my mental health for 3 years (i was referred to mental health services last year for stress, anxiety and depression with suicidal thoughts)

i love her dearly, but no matter how many times we have an honest conversation about money, it doesnt seem to have any effect. Shes a spender and im a worrier and i just dont know if this is a good combination. Its driven a wedge between us and Im thinking of leaving.

Can this be worked through or is time to go.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 30/08/2025 07:42

As long as she’s paying her percentage of the the bills and mortgage tell her she’s free to go on as many holidays as she wants with her spare money but you won’t be joining her.

You need to be stronger and put your foot down and make your own decisions.

Zanatdy · 30/08/2025 07:45

I wouldn’t be leaving my share of the house to her over my own son. Sounds like you want different things in life. I’d seperate and sell the house.

SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 07:46

Well done for turning everything round.

I think the two most important things for a successful relationship are shared attitudes to sex and money.

On the money front, you have different approaches. You say she’s a spender and you’re a worrier. You’ve had the conversation and she doesn’t seem willing to compromise.

Sadly I don’t think you can work through this as she’s shown she isn’t going to change. Don’t undo all your brilliant work trying to keep up and putting yourself back into debt.

Original poster

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 07:47

The issue with this is, she will then say that i dont want to spend time with her and this in itself this will cause issues. For the past three years on each of the holidays we’ve had, ive then had a week off with my son. On each of these occassions, shes then cited issues that i dont want to spend time with her. So its a lose/lose

OP posts:

Sirzy · 30/08/2025 07:47

She doesn’t respect you enough to listen for your views on things.

Your first priority is rightly your son, and while you deserve to be happy the way things are it doesn’t seem you are happy.

DaisyChain505 · 30/08/2025 07:53

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 07:47

Put your foot down.

“I’m Sorry X, as much as I’d love to be going on endless holidays with you I have a son that is also a priority and I need to get my financials in order to provide him with a better life.”

You don’t need to just go on holidays to spend time together.

stayathomer · 30/08/2025 07:54

Op I’m no help but well done on all you’ve done. To me you do sound very different and I find it ridiculous that she’s so insecure over your son. I get you probably prioritise him over her but he needs that. Do you otherwise get to spend time together either s three or two or is it work then time off that she wants to be your time together

FumbDucker · 30/08/2025 07:56

Odd thing for her to say RE the will! Has she said she will look after your son if anything happened to you?

Feels like money isn’t you’re only issue…

Rightandwrong · 30/08/2025 08:09

Zanatdy · 30/08/2025 07:45

I wouldn’t be leaving my share of the house to her over my own son. Sounds like you want different things in life. I’d seperate and sell the house.

I agree with this.
She sounds incredibly selfish.

Bikergran · 30/08/2025 08:10

She's a gold digger. Leave now, start saving again.

Original poster

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 08:29

FumbDucker · 30/08/2025 07:56

Odd thing for her to say RE the will! Has she said she will look after your son if anything happened to you?

Feels like money isn’t you’re only issue…

She has said that she would support him whether that be with him always having somewhere to stay or paying him a monthly sum. However, this is life, if she was to meet a new partner and move in with them, the above would almost certainly change. How can we trust anyone 100% to not let life change their perspective on things

OP posts:

Original poster

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 08:33

SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 07:46

Well done for turning everything round.

I think the two most important things for a successful relationship are shared attitudes to sex and money.

On the money front, you have different approaches. You say she’s a spender and you’re a worrier. You’ve had the conversation and she doesn’t seem willing to compromise.

Sadly I don’t think you can work through this as she’s shown she isn’t going to change. Don’t undo all your brilliant work trying to keep up and putting yourself back into debt.

We also have issues on the intimacy side, we are currently in seperate rooms due to me being a light sleeper and her insistance on having the dog in the room who is incredibly loud. I also find it difficult to be intimate with someone who i feel isnt listening to my issues. Im emotional in terms of the drive of my intimacy, its difficult to find that when you dont feel listened to

OP posts:

VeryStressedMum · 30/08/2025 08:52

She expects you to leave your house to her instead of your son?
This is ridiculous and I hope you are not entertaining this suggestion whatsoever. You’ve been with her for 4 years and you don’t sound compatible at all, also she doesn’t even like you spending time with your son so what on earth makes you think she will look after him?!
If you were to die and leave her the house she will not have any contact with him at all let alone give him a monthly sum. Do you actually really believe that

toomuchfaff · 30/08/2025 09:56

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 08:29

Show quote history

Dont believe a single word of her assurance.

You die, who's there to protect your son, the house is in her name solely (because you didn't leave your half to you son as tenants in common), she has the house, your kids could be at social services the day after - do not rely on anyone's good grace.

It's very very very much a red flag she is expecting you to NOT leave your half to your son.

Id be telling her (to see a reaction that will tell me everything) that your sone is your Number 1 priority - she is not your no1 priority. I don't think she will like the cold hard fact that she isnt your priority- and as such your futures don't align.

Swiftie1878 · 30/08/2025 10:25

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 07:47

She isn’t listening to you.
You either MAKE her listen, or you leave.
It’s as simple as that.

Original poster

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 10:31

There are obviously nuances to this and two sides to every coin. My son is wonderful but does have traits that are challenging. To come into a relationship and be a step mum to a child with these needs is obviously demanding, which is probably why she feels the need to get away frequently as quality time together at home can be hard to come by. She is close to him and does care for him deeply.

She also isnt a gold digger, she is generous with her money and lavishes gifts on him. She is career motivated and wants a better life for us all, however she hasnt made the progress in her career that she thought she would make at this point.

She also has OCD, which she takes medication for which i feel is sometimes a factor in her decision making.

For instance, we are looking at replacing our carpet currently. I suggested we replace it with another carpet as this is something i can do and fit for £500. She wants LVP which will come in at 2k plus as it would help with us cleaning. We do not have the money, but as it would help with her OCD i am not opposed to the idea completely. But we cant then be doing that at the same time as having lavish holidays.

She has around £600 per month more disposable income than i do. So a big expense is something she can cover, but it keeps me in the cycle of debt and anxiety for months until the next holiday or weekend away comes, it just feels constant.

She is a good person, but i think its just the fact that she doesnt understand the pressure of being responsible for a child with additional needs and the things i need to put in place for him financially for his future.

I should add he does split his time between his mum and i but his mum has no assets.

It boils down to she is a live in the moment, spend it now person and wants experiences and doesnt plan for the future. Thats not a life that i can lead with my son.

Also, she talks about retirement early without making any realistic plans for this. As i said i dont think its that shes a gold digger, its just more a naivety on her part to think we can go through life spending and if something does happen to me, that she will be in a position to still remain a big part of my sons life and financially support him. I do believe she honestly thinks this would happen and everything would just work out perfect, but the reality is that it certainly wouldnt.

I do love her very much, but at this point my sons future needs to take priority.

OP posts:

Beachtastic · 30/08/2025 11:30

It boils down to she is a live in the moment, spend it now person and wants experiences and doesnt plan for the future.

It also boils down to her being incredibly selfish and naive, and overriding your clearly expressed boundaries.

I've been with someone like this and talked till I was blue in the face trying to explain my financial predicament (he was taking me down with him, all the way...). His response? "I think you'll find you worry a lot more about money than I do."

You call yourself a worrier by nature, OP, but I think that not having this chaotic person in your life would give you an awful lot less to worry about.

Good luck, you deserve so much better. 💗

user2848502016 · 30/08/2025 12:49

She sounds quite selfish, I can’t see things improving really and I don’t think this has any future

dotdotdotdash · 30/08/2025 13:32

When it comes down to it you don’t share the same values so you are incompatible as a couple. It might feel daunting to be alone and you are obviously a caring person who has love for her; but you will never know the calm reassurance and intimacy of being with someone you do actually match with well unless you find the courage to end this relationship.

JLou08 · 30/08/2025 13:32

I wouldn't trust her. 4 years in and you already have a mortgage together and she is trying to get you to change your will to favour her over your son, she doesn't listen to you and your in separate bedrooms, she thinks you spending a week with your son after having a holiday with her (that you can't really afford) means you don't want to spend time with her. 3 years of anxiety, so that was only 1 year into the relationship. So many red flags and your comment about there being 2 sides to the coin doesn't actually put her in a better light at all. I doubt this woman will be there for your son if something was to happen to you. Do not fall for it.

HerecomesMargo · 30/08/2025 13:39

It’s really sad when you read posts like this where the OP had huge obstacles to overcome and turn things around and then make such a poor choice in a partner and messes things up again. Especially sad as their is always children involved who had difficulties in life too.
Why is there ever a need to commit so quickly with someone especially after all you have been through?
this seems like a very ongoing issue throughout a short period of time too. Do you really think someone who doesn’t listen to you about basic holidays is someone who will care for your child?
that is what your questions and concerns should be about.

Peptalk2025 · 30/08/2025 13:41

It's unfair to expect her to never have holidays due to your son. It's not her child. However, it's completely unreasonable for her to ask you not to pass your half of the house over to your son. This relationship isn't working through no fault of either of you. You're just in different places with different priorities.

Neveranynamesleft · 30/08/2025 13:47

Your son is and always will be your priority. This relationship is not right for you because you are just too different. Time to start moving on I'd say.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/08/2025 14:53

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 08:29

Show quote history

There are many many accounts of people who left money to step parents EXPECTING them to 'do the right thing'... And then they allegedly didn't...

One in public domain... Look up Linda Bellingham (oxo cube ad actor) estate....

TonTonMacoute · 30/08/2025 14:57

You're making excuses for her. She sounds selfish, immature and unreliable, and she's onto a cushy number. Planning ahead is boring but it's vital for the well-being of everyone, but particularly your son.

From what you say she is not interested in growing up adapting her behaviour to make the relationship work, and it sounds as if it has run its course and the main reason you are still together is because you own a house together.

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