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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i end things

31 replies

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 07:40

My partner and i have been together nearly 4 years now and i have a 12 year old son with ASD from a previous relationship.

I was single for 8 years before meeting my current partner. Life was very hard, i was and still am a below average wage earner and had no qualifications. Once my son received his diagnosis, his future became a great source of anxiety for me, he is unlikely to work when he gets older and my life became about trying to provide a better future. I put myself through college to gain a qualification and worked 2 jobs from 7am -11pm and managed to go from over 5k in debt to 15k saved. I attempted to get on the housing market but it fell through due to some structual issues with the house.

I then met my current partner and after a year together we bought a property together. Since then, ive been unable to save any money. My partner always wants to go out on weekends away, day trips, expensive holidays, Italy, Marrakech, trip around Europe. We have sat down and i have had honest discussions with her about how i cant afford to do these things and im living in a constant cycle of debt and anxiety due to not providing a safety net for my son should anything happen to me.

Earlier this year, we wrote down the things we both needed. I wrote, no holidays and to get my credit card paid off. She agreed to this. Then two months later, she said lets just have a 4 day break to Albania, its cheap, i have free flights, so i reluctantly agreed. She then chamged this to Madrid, booked an expensive hotel, an expensive hotel at the airport and we ate out every day/night and it quickly became a £700 each short break. In addition we had a conversation about Wills. She wants me to put in a will that i wont give my son my share of the house in case of my death as she doesnt want to sell the house.

At this point, if i did this, i have nothing to leave him, so im in a worse position then 4 years ago. Its severely impacted my mental health for 3 years (i was referred to mental health services last year for stress, anxiety and depression with suicidal thoughts)

i love her dearly, but no matter how many times we have an honest conversation about money, it doesnt seem to have any effect. Shes a spender and im a worrier and i just dont know if this is a good combination. Its driven a wedge between us and Im thinking of leaving.

Can this be worked through or is time to go.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 31/08/2025 08:29

PuzzledParent · 30/08/2025 10:31

There are obviously nuances to this and two sides to every coin. My son is wonderful but does have traits that are challenging. To come into a relationship and be a step mum to a child with these needs is obviously demanding, which is probably why she feels the need to get away frequently as quality time together at home can be hard to come by. She is close to him and does care for him deeply.

She also isnt a gold digger, she is generous with her money and lavishes gifts on him. She is career motivated and wants a better life for us all, however she hasnt made the progress in her career that she thought she would make at this point.

She also has OCD, which she takes medication for which i feel is sometimes a factor in her decision making.

For instance, we are looking at replacing our carpet currently. I suggested we replace it with another carpet as this is something i can do and fit for £500. She wants LVP which will come in at 2k plus as it would help with us cleaning. We do not have the money, but as it would help with her OCD i am not opposed to the idea completely. But we cant then be doing that at the same time as having lavish holidays.

She has around £600 per month more disposable income than i do. So a big expense is something she can cover, but it keeps me in the cycle of debt and anxiety for months until the next holiday or weekend away comes, it just feels constant.

She is a good person, but i think its just the fact that she doesnt understand the pressure of being responsible for a child with additional needs and the things i need to put in place for him financially for his future.

I should add he does split his time between his mum and i but his mum has no assets.

It boils down to she is a live in the moment, spend it now person and wants experiences and doesnt plan for the future. Thats not a life that i can lead with my son.

Also, she talks about retirement early without making any realistic plans for this. As i said i dont think its that shes a gold digger, its just more a naivety on her part to think we can go through life spending and if something does happen to me, that she will be in a position to still remain a big part of my sons life and financially support him. I do believe she honestly thinks this would happen and everything would just work out perfect, but the reality is that it certainly wouldnt.

I do love her very much, but at this point my sons future needs to take priority.

Keep telling yourself this, making excuses and excuses for her actions and behaviours, for why its ok.

Quite simply put, your child is your priority, she tramples all over your boundaries, she spends outside your limits. After 4 years (3 of which youve spent in anxiety) youre writing a MN post because you wanted strangers views - someone said on a post yesterday - don't get entrenched with someone you have to write a MN post about - and its the tidbit of advice i stand by. If your gut has triggered so much that you have come to MN to get the viewpoint of strangers - then you know the relationship is not right.

Go with your gut. Protect your child and stick to your guns. Protect your assets, put a halt on frivolous spending and take back control. If she wants to spend - let her, but you don't have to participate. Personally id choose to protect my child vs any relationship (of 4 yrs, where ive been unhappy for 3)

Original poster
PuzzledParent · 31/08/2025 09:46

Hi all,

I will drop my son at his mums today and then i will have a final conversation. It wont be about my emotions, i will give her the facts and an ultimatum. We will be changing the way we live, we will be using a spreadsheet to budget, we will both be saving, as a family and as individuals. Me for my son and her for in the event of my death, she has the money she needs to keep the house if she wishes as I WILL be leaving my share of the property to my SON. No more borrowing, all large buys need to be saved for beforehand and all purchases will be discussed and whats best for us financially will be the determining factor. No £1000 tv if we only need a £200 tv, no £2000 floor if we can do it for £500. I will talk to her about building foundations as a family for a better future, getting hold of her finances and investing instead of spending and emphasise how important this is for her, me and most importantly a vulnerable child.

Things change from today and if she doesnt agree, then we are clearly not compatible and we amicably agree to go our seperate ways.

I dont feel like ive put my foot down previously, i am a people pleaser and try to avoid confrontation. However, ive not worked this for this many years to let this continue and throw that hard work away.

Today, its my way or the highway.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 31/08/2025 10:34

A friend of DH has ADHD. He manages well but he just cannot hold on to money. He inherited a substantial amount in his twenties and it was gone in a few years. He has nothing, never owned a property although he works and earns a reasonable living. When he has money now he buys classic cars to do up, but they end up costing a fortune. If he has money he has to treat everyone in his local bar.

Good luck for today. Be firm because I suspect she won't change otherwise.

BlueMum16 · 31/08/2025 10:42

PuzzledParent · 31/08/2025 09:46

Hi all,

I will drop my son at his mums today and then i will have a final conversation. It wont be about my emotions, i will give her the facts and an ultimatum. We will be changing the way we live, we will be using a spreadsheet to budget, we will both be saving, as a family and as individuals. Me for my son and her for in the event of my death, she has the money she needs to keep the house if she wishes as I WILL be leaving my share of the property to my SON. No more borrowing, all large buys need to be saved for beforehand and all purchases will be discussed and whats best for us financially will be the determining factor. No £1000 tv if we only need a £200 tv, no £2000 floor if we can do it for £500. I will talk to her about building foundations as a family for a better future, getting hold of her finances and investing instead of spending and emphasise how important this is for her, me and most importantly a vulnerable child.

Things change from today and if she doesnt agree, then we are clearly not compatible and we amicably agree to go our seperate ways.

I dont feel like ive put my foot down previously, i am a people pleaser and try to avoid confrontation. However, ive not worked this for this many years to let this continue and throw that hard work away.

Today, its my way or the highway.

I would also address the intimacy issues. The dog goes from the bedroom so you can have a proper relationship.

Good luck.

Beachtastic · 31/08/2025 11:24

Good luck with all that, OP, but I'm sorry to say that spreadsheets and budgets don't really work with someone like this because they're not really interested. It's just another way of trying to force her to see something you have already stated very, very clearly.

Agree about the dog. You sound rather low in the pecking order here. You can do so much better than this. There are kind, considerate, financially responsible women out there believe it or not!

dotdotdotdash · 31/08/2025 11:25

Good luck with your conversation today. I hope you can get your messages across to her and that she will come round to your way of thinking. Stick to your values as you are building a stable life for you and your child and that is more important than luxury spending and fun in the moment. If she can’t live with that then you know you have tried.

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