To ditch childhood best friend

[CallyRoberta]

my childhood best friend, over 20 years of friendship. the only person I still speak to from school, we were thick as thieves, always just us 2 against the world.

I had my first child at 20, second at 24. She is very career focused, no partner and no children. My oldest is now 10 and youngest 6. She has NEVER met my youngest and only met my eldest a handful of times. She always want to see me without them, never ever suggests to even come round.

i can’t imagine just ending the friendship, she knows me better than anyone, but she has no interest in my children and they are my whole entire life. What do I do?

If you like her and you like her company, keep her! All my childhood friends had kids. But I have one very close friend who I met about 5 years ago who doesn’t. She is a hoot and we love each other’s company. She’s only met my kids in passing.

Perhaps she feels triggered by your kids as it’s something she hasn’t achieved? Or some people are just plain awkward with others kids. They can’t relate.

I have a very good childhood friend. He studiously avoids talking about anything around relationships and kids too. If I was in your position, I think it would only bother me if I was a stay at home mum and therefore it really was my whole life

You want to ditch her because she wants to just see you? YABU. Sometimes it’s nice to have friends who you see without your kids in tow.

I suppose I should add I’m a single mum. I don’t know if that makes a difference but if it was the other way round, I would make so much effort to see her and her kids knowing she was alone.

Is she interested in you as a mother? That’s different to having a direct interest in your children, and I don’t think she needs to be interested in your children to be a good friend to you. She does need to be willing to listen to you talk about things that are happening in your life that involve your children though.

Your children won’t be your whole entire life forever.

Why don’t you invite her round and say you’d like her
to meet your children?
I don’t think I would end the friendship if she didn’t. By your own admission you have a lot of
history and has been a good friend. As others have said I think she maybe feels she’s missing out on children therefore avoids the situation as its a form of trigger.

My best friend from school, 50+ years ago, and I still meet regularly. I have met her husband perhaps twice and she's met mine about the same.

I think you’d regret it in the long term if you lose her completely. My children are big now and I have friends without children that I didn’t see so much when the kids were little but I'm glad they're still there now I have more time.

I have friends who have no interest in my children. I'm not offended and just arrange to see them by myself. I am lucky that I have a partner so that option is available.
If you aren't able to meet by yourself because you are solo parenting maybe speak to her about that and explain

I don’t think you should end a good friendship. Not everyone is that interested in kids. And it’s a bit sad, I love it when my friends love my DC, but one day they’ll be older & probably good company - it’ll make things easier.
This phase of motherhood is extremely full on and it feels like it’ll be this way forever but it won’t.
Let friend know she’s welcome to come over and be part of your family life. Extend the invitation to your house / kids bdays / Sunday lunch at home / Halloween fun and see if she takes the offer.
If not, it’s ok to have a friend for the occasional
child free evening out and maybe you can be closer in the future once your out of the throws of young children. No need to end anything

I've had friends who have no interest in my dc. One friendship has lasted, the other hasn't. I don't take offence, I'm sure they have their reasons. It's sad though.

It is sad and frustrating but I think it’s difficult for some people who don’t have children of their own to relate to the feelings of love you have for your children

I find it very sad, but if you still enjoy her company and get on well, I’d continue to see her. I know it seems a long way off, but your kids in a few years or so won’t need you so much and your life will change again. It’s up to you whether you’d like her in it or whether you’d resent her. I know it’s really hard but have you ever discussed your feelings with her.

I’m not meaning to derail the thread but… A lot of these threads that crop up on mumsnet about tense friendships between women with kids and women without, involve a woman with kids complaining about her friend keeps going on about how much she loves her childfree lifestyle. While I agree that’s obnoxious, this post I’m quoting is a prime example of why women without kids do that. Because otherwise they know their friends with kids will automatically assume they’re sad they didn’t ‘achieve’ having children 🙄

If you were such great friends why didn't you ask her to be godmother and help her bond with your kids? Especially as their dad is not around. Most 20yos aren't interested in children!

Agreed. It's such a boring narrative that people are uninterested in your kids out of jealousy. Some people just genuinely don't want kids, or don't want to be around them, in the same way they don't want to be around your husband or want to be married. Perhaps she is just interested in you as her friend. Is that so bad?

Do you go out of your way to try and engage in her life, in the way you're expecting her to engage in yours? You've had ten years to try and forge a connection there - it's on you really.

Love my kids friends… but don’t want to social with them when they young…. They can play with my kid… but in great I prefer adult company.

I await until they older

Definitely not interested in my friends husband. I’m all for short polite conversation

I have been in the exact same situation but am married. Got married, had kids and my childhood best friend from 4 year old had never acknowledged that I had a husband or that I had children. She is single with no children. I think she just saw our friendship as between me and her and not the rest of my life. Until you are married and/or have kids you can’t imagine how much of you they become. However, now my children are older - over 10 and chatty in their own right, she now gets on with them and they love her. It took ten years to get there but the friendship was worth hanging onto and it gives me so much pleasure how much my kids love her. I think she just isn’t a baby/toddler person…

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable though suggesting jealousy for the fact she is not showing any interest in the ops life/children. It could well be the case. Perhaps this friend can’t relate to the family life therefore deem the subject not worthy of asking. Please don’t make my comment out to be a dig at the child free, because it’s not. It was just genuine ideas for the op to take onboard.

See my automatic reaction to someone saying 'my kids are my whole world' is 'oh, thats sad'... there is more to life than just your kids, if your kids are your ENTIRE world... you must be missing out on a lot.

Be honest OP - if your friend was to visit you at home, would you have a nice evening chatting, relaxing.. talking about all sorts of things.

Or would you be constantly up and down dealing with the children, would your only topic of conversation be your children, what they did today, what they said etc etc?

Because if it is the latter... I can see why she wants it to just be you and might not want to visit.

OP says she had her second child when she was 24 and the friend has never met her. Assuming OP and her friend are the same age, it seems unlikely to me that a 24 year old would feel so jealous and threatened by a friend having kids that she didn’t want to meet them. At 34, if you want kids and you’re worried it’s not going to happen for you, yes maybe, but at 24 your whole life is ahead of you. I’m not saying there are no childless-not-by-choice women who find it difficult to be around kids, obviously that happens, but from what OP’s described it sounds more likely that her friend just isn’t that interested in kids.

If I've understood correctly the friend in question is only about 30, which is almost bang on the average age of first-time mothers in the UK. The average for 'career-focussed' women will doubtless be several years higher than that (it certainly is among my circle). So suggestions that the friend might be envious because having children is something she hasn't 'achieved' seems a bit of a leap. The OP had kids very young and has allowed them to become her 'whole life'...I expect the friend here just wants to see her friend (the OP), in her capacity as the friend she used to know as not purely as a mother. Tbh when I was 30 I wouldn't have been keen on hanging around with my friends' kids either, I was still a fair way off wanting to start a family.

Perhaps you need to re-read the ops post because the friend is probably in her 30s. Hence my point.