Ex insists he can't afford child maintenance payments

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Would really appreciate some input on this please and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

TLDR;

• DC lives with me full time and has gone no contact with dad.
• I still paid child maintenance for months while DC lived with me because ex was lying to child maintenance.
• Ex claims he can't afford the £365 a month due to child care costs for his other child.
• Ex has offered £200 a month instead.

AIBU? Do I just agree to £200 a month without any of that money being paid back or do I insist we go with what child maintenance have said the payment should be.

I even worked out what the payment would be if my ex was on less money, had DC on weekends and taking into account their other child and it's still around £280.

More context;

Ex and I split up when DC was very young. I was in a job that travelled a lot so it meant I could only have DC on weekends so we came to agreement DC would be with me on the weekends and ex in the week and I'd have him all school holidays etc. This changed about 3 years ago when I changed career and i'm not at home all the time.

DC is now 15. DC had issues with my ex's new wife, it was a very tense household. A lot of fighting, name calling etc and DC has been living with that and struggling with it badly. Ex and his new wife were aware of the shouting being a trigger for DC but nothing changed. DC told me they wanted to live with me and my husband full time at the start of this year. Long story short things went from bad to worse at DC's dad's house and DC ended up moving in with me permanently at the beginning of the year.

There was contact to begin with between DC and ex but DC ended up going no contact due to the stress and upset it was causing. But due to ex not agreeing to DC moving out they refused to stop child maintenance and was falsely claiming DC still lived with them. I was paying around £350 for child maintenance a month for 5 months before I finally got it changed.

Ex is now being told by child maintenance that they need to pay me £375 a month now that DC lives with me full time. That doesn't include paying me back for all the months I paid when I shouldn't have.

Ex however is saying that he can't afford it because of how much nursery is for he and his new wife's child. He said he can afford £200 a month and that's it. He's on £41k a year and doesn't live in an expensive part of the country. He said anymore and it'll put him into debt. His wife also works a good job.

I've been put into debt for the fact I had to pay £350 a month to my ex while DC was actually living with me because I was also the one that was actually paying for DC (so bills increased, needed clothing as ex was withholding his things, school things, food, travel, pocket money, activities, you get the idea).

I said to ex that I would be willing to agree to a lesser amount only if they paid me back the money I was sending them all those months that DC was actually living with me. He has refused this because he has 'put the money into a savings account for DC'. He said there's 3k in that account and it's to go towards a car or university later on.

My ex has been caught out in lies in the past (part of the reason we split back then) and I can't help but think this is a lie and he and his wife have just spent the money I sent over. Otherwise why would they be so reluctant to send it back to me considering not doing so would 'put them into debt' if they had to go with the Child Maintenance Agreement.

He says his wife shouldn't have to pay for DC and I agree with that, but I think his wife should be contributing to child care for their child if that is what they insist they can't afford.

AIBU?

Do I just agree to £200 a month without any of that money being paid back or do I insist we go with what child maintenance have said the payment should be.

I even worked out what the payment would be if my ex was on less money, had DC on weekends and taking into account their other child and it's still around £280 (so more than the £200 he's offering).

Sure. The OP 'forgot' their own child lived with them for six months? Or something? I'm going to fall inline and say: "go to the CMS". She'll be awarded a pittance. Its like when people say 'LTB' and you'll get 'half his pension.' Fabrication.

Useless slacker of a man with no self respect. I worked two jobs to bring up my DS alone because my exH ran away abroad to avoid CMS. Now DS has grown up and thinks his father is a useless waste of space.

I don't think they meant the wife should pay

Yeah. And got caught up in some sort of situation whereby mum was paying him £360pcm child maintenance although the kid lived with her?

Sometimes, no matter what shit I've ploughed through, reading here makes me feel normal and content.

Useless slacker of a man who had residency of the 15yr old for 12 years while mum travelled.

Now she's got the arse.

Small but significant detail.

I would go via CMS for the money.
You'll never see the money back that he claimed after your son moved to yours full-time. We had a similar situation due to work, with a nightmare ex who insisted on an earnings attachment even though we were sending the money on time etc directly. We were still having money deducted from salary by work almost a year on from eldest having gone to university, because it takes that long for CMS to update their systems etc. We haven't seen that money back as they apparently can't claw it back from the resident parent. Yet if it's child benefit or other benefits they can claw it back?!

Not directly no, but realistically he is taking about household income and if he needs more for CMS then his wife might need to sort out more of their other household expenses to allow for that. She chose to have a child with someone who had an existing obligation so she should be prepared that he will not be able to contribute as much as he otherwise would.

It used to be factored in. Not now.

I'm not sure why everyone is missing that the child lived with his dad for 12 years?

I can imagine he probably thinks OP shirked responsibility for a good long stretch.

I mean, OP paid £360 a week for him to feed, clothe, emotionally support and care for her child five days a week from birth until 12.

Now she wants £360 a week back.

Its like the Brazier family, or something.

The op did more than what most NRP men do, had a "bIg job" that involved travelling and her child every weekend and school hold, not EOW and the odd week. She wasn't shirking and it doesn't sound like the ex did a great job.

The OP was a weekend parent until the now 15yr old was 12. I'm sure he shouldered the lion's share of responsibility in those early years. Emotional and fiscal.

Definitely go through CMS.

So? What difference does that make now?

If it was that 'big' a job, she didn't pay much! Doesn't make her bad. But doesn't mean dad couldn't find someone more present and have another child?

Also, if she's that successful, £160 a month is a drop in the ocean surely?

I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with women who decide to leave their children.

Men do it often.

I do think there's something wrong with coming back and blaming the other person, the one who raised and was there for that child, because of £160.

Not sure what question I’m voting to answer tbh. Presumably are you being unreasonable taking £200. Yes you are being unreasonable. Go to cms and get the amount you are due. No pissing around. I doubt you’ll get the £3k+ that youre owed though. Sorry OP.

Do this

it's 13% of his takehome. Just over a tenner a day. He needs to find it because he owed his kid that much.

On the info available, the CMS calculator says he owes £253 a month. If the child stays with dad more than 1 night each week, this will decrease.

He doesn’t sound like a freeloader with the little info we have, a chancer maybe.
PAYE will be involved, he is on £41,000 so cms should be involved. They have already said what he should pay. Op needs to stick with them and report any missed payments

And the 12 years the child's mother wasn't there?

Its £253 a month maximum from him.

Head. Clouds. Remove it. Respectfully.

Weekends and holidays - so 100 days of weekends plus 10 weeks of holidays is 170 days - that's really not that far off 50/50 (assuming the father actually did take on some holidays) - and it's swings and roundabouts whether having undiluted children, or school runs is harder to my mind. She pulled her weight previously I'd say.

If my ex had the kids every weekend and holiday I would certainly feel a massively lighter load.

You're right. I misread the OP and didn't realise mum was only around on weekends for 12 years.

CMS calculator says £253pcm with one overnight weekly.

If I was the OP, I'd ask for £260pcm and count my lucky stars the kid even spoke to me.

Respectfully - read the OP - she was there nearly 50% during the first 12 years too, and paid maintenance - including when the child was living with her but her ex hadn't informed them about it!

I've missed some posts - are you seriously suggesting that someone on 41k/year should only pay 253/month for a child that someone else is looking after 100%?

She paid CMS, including when the child was living with her. Now she's asking him to do the same. That's all. We all know CMS isn't half the costs and the RP usually puts it way more in time, money, energy etc. If an RP was fairly compensated for all that extra the CMS amount would be astronomical. However, working within the current system, the OP did the right thing, and more so given that she paid when the child lived with her. Asking her ex to do the same ..abide the system is hard to disagree with. The imbalance in their earnings is not known and actually irrelevant. The OP could be worth millions, he'd still owe CMS.

There is no legal avenue for maintenance unless the NRP is an exceptionally high earner or the child is disabled and then you can apply via The Children’s Act. The court stopped dealing with maintenance many years ago. In this case, the OP is best going through CMS. Yes I would also
chase it up. Every bloody month.