Ex insists he can't afford child maintenance payments

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Would really appreciate some input on this please and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

TLDR;

• DC lives with me full time and has gone no contact with dad.
• I still paid child maintenance for months while DC lived with me because ex was lying to child maintenance.
• Ex claims he can't afford the £365 a month due to child care costs for his other child.
• Ex has offered £200 a month instead.

AIBU? Do I just agree to £200 a month without any of that money being paid back or do I insist we go with what child maintenance have said the payment should be.

I even worked out what the payment would be if my ex was on less money, had DC on weekends and taking into account their other child and it's still around £280.

More context;

Ex and I split up when DC was very young. I was in a job that travelled a lot so it meant I could only have DC on weekends so we came to agreement DC would be with me on the weekends and ex in the week and I'd have him all school holidays etc. This changed about 3 years ago when I changed career and i'm not at home all the time.

DC is now 15. DC had issues with my ex's new wife, it was a very tense household. A lot of fighting, name calling etc and DC has been living with that and struggling with it badly. Ex and his new wife were aware of the shouting being a trigger for DC but nothing changed. DC told me they wanted to live with me and my husband full time at the start of this year. Long story short things went from bad to worse at DC's dad's house and DC ended up moving in with me permanently at the beginning of the year.

There was contact to begin with between DC and ex but DC ended up going no contact due to the stress and upset it was causing. But due to ex not agreeing to DC moving out they refused to stop child maintenance and was falsely claiming DC still lived with them. I was paying around £350 for child maintenance a month for 5 months before I finally got it changed.

Ex is now being told by child maintenance that they need to pay me £375 a month now that DC lives with me full time. That doesn't include paying me back for all the months I paid when I shouldn't have.

Ex however is saying that he can't afford it because of how much nursery is for he and his new wife's child. He said he can afford £200 a month and that's it. He's on £41k a year and doesn't live in an expensive part of the country. He said anymore and it'll put him into debt. His wife also works a good job.

I've been put into debt for the fact I had to pay £350 a month to my ex while DC was actually living with me because I was also the one that was actually paying for DC (so bills increased, needed clothing as ex was withholding his things, school things, food, travel, pocket money, activities, you get the idea).

I said to ex that I would be willing to agree to a lesser amount only if they paid me back the money I was sending them all those months that DC was actually living with me. He has refused this because he has 'put the money into a savings account for DC'. He said there's 3k in that account and it's to go towards a car or university later on.

My ex has been caught out in lies in the past (part of the reason we split back then) and I can't help but think this is a lie and he and his wife have just spent the money I sent over. Otherwise why would they be so reluctant to send it back to me considering not doing so would 'put them into debt' if they had to go with the Child Maintenance Agreement.

He says his wife shouldn't have to pay for DC and I agree with that, but I think his wife should be contributing to child care for their child if that is what they insist they can't afford.

AIBU?

Do I just agree to £200 a month without any of that money being paid back or do I insist we go with what child maintenance have said the payment should be.

I even worked out what the payment would be if my ex was on less money, had DC on weekends and taking into account their other child and it's still around £280 (so more than the £200 he's offering).

Just keep it through CMS.

Ask for absolute proof of the savings in your sons name. Question if it is an account that the dad can take money from. Either the money is there and dad gets to have the glory of 'son, here is money to buy a car that I have saved for you' or your ex is caught in a lie.
Have you told your ds15 that his dad has the 5 months money for a car?
I would go to cms. But I have experience of an ex promising to pay cash and buy needed things and doing neither.

Why are you negotiating with him? Go visit CMS. Report every payment that is not made or not the correct amount. They will then switch him to collect and pay where he pays them not you with an added 20% fee for him, and they pass the maintenance to you. If he under pays or doesn’t pay, they can chase and keep a record of arrears. There’s no need to even speak to him about it.

Again, what do you think they'll do? They do nothing at all. They have no powers to do anything either. Admittedly, they can get an attachment of earnings order if the respondent is PAYE. This takes a very long time. Average: 3 years. Three years without a penny.

Even if it does take that long, cms will back date for every penny that was due from the time of application to the time it’s done

What's the point? If he doesn't want to support his child, he won't support his child.

I wasted a couple of years on this. Fighting up hill and down dale.

Its not worth it.

Children know who gives a f. That's all that matters ultimately.

He says his wife shouldn't have to pay for DC and I agree with that, but I think his wife should be contributing to child care for their child if that is what they insist they can't afford.

Nothing unreasonable was said here

But they won't collect it. And they can't enforce it.

It's honestly a rabbit hole not worth going down.

I bet he drinks alcohol, drives a car larger than is absolutely necessary if one is really needed, goes on holidays more than once a year.

Don't fall for such nonsense and others have suggested the actions to take.

Maybe it’s not worked out in your experience but I know of people who have it taken directly from their pay.

Do CMS and, as your child is 15 and nearly an adult, I would block your ex, you don't need to communicate with him.

He is a freeloader, basically. He'll get round every hurdle.

The time spent worrying could better be spent on things the scrote can't enjoy.

Like his children as people!

For years and years, I fought tooth and claw.

Didn't see a penny.

Have the best relationship with my children though.

Fighting wasn't worth the blood pressure increase!

Can we not fight the system instead of pointing people towards an inherently broken scheme?

He will never pay a penny or be accountable for a penny.

Take what you're offered Op. Enjoy your little man.

He's not going to pay more than he wants to.

Your son will know and he will remember.

Get legal advice. Chase him and make him pay every single penny.

He and his wife are both working so can support their own child - and no, you are not expecting her to contribute one penny to maintaining yours.

But she chose to take up with a man who already had a dependent child.

That comes with consequences, as in their household income from his side will be impacted.

Chase him. Do not take his feeble excuses.

That's good. My son's fathers stayed deliberately away from PAYE just to spite me.

I've always supported my children on my own.

I'll be getting a state pension and they won't.

Also, my children are acutely aware they're inadequate.

Would love to see the system fixed for children.

This. Independent legal advice. Put it through civil action.

Do not approach the woefully useless CMS ahead of this.

Don’t discuss it with him. Go through CMS for the money, end of. Your child is 15 so can speak to him himself, and if you and he do need to talk, use the app. His wife’s salary has nothing to do with it.

I get it didn’t work for you and I was in a similar situation for many years until my ex became gainfully employed. The CMS is absolutely useless unless there is PAYE involved. This is what needs fixing. However, it is extremely efficient and works very well if the absent parent is employed. They also have greater powers in that instance. I don’t think it’s wise to tell people not to bother with CMS, because you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. In the OP’s situation, she should just let them deal with him as he’s salaried and they can take it directly.

I'm not suggesting people shouldn't bother. It can work for people if their ex is PAYE.

It just isn't a magic bullet.

Its a department with very, very low enforcement capabilities. Because it's civil.

I would advise anyone to get independent legal advice in advance of any financial matters in respect of children.

I didn't have the funds to do that with my eldest.

Got a statement every year with the arrears showing an increasing amount each time.

The last statement showed in excess of £16,000 owed to me.

Might chase that up, actually!

CMS and tell CMS about the payments he should repay you

The CMS calculator does deduct payments to children where there are subsequent children.

Spouse/partner incomes were taken into account initially. But not now, I think?

If he's only on £40k and has another kid, OP may well get less through the CMS.

Especially if their child opens overnights with the non resident parent.

Cautionary note, there.

The legal presumption currently (fair or not) is that each parent will take equal financial responsibility and shared care.

Rarely happens in practice. But dad's new child will reduce payments to OP.

The more pressing issues are around contact and residency.

Go to a solicitor before going CMS nuclear, OP.

And they'll do what? Send him a reminder letter? The OP is probably getting more than they would through CMS too. Some very poor advice on this thread!

Yep. Agree to £200 a month and make up the short fall in other ways. Like working.

Refer the fraud to the police.

Go after every penny you’re owed from the useless bastard.

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