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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH avoiding seeing my family

49 replies

OnetwoThree123456 · 29/08/2025 11:33

So my family live in Ireland where I grew up, moved to UK for uni. I’m not a home bird as such but I used to go home like 4-6 times per year or family would come see me instead, whichever way it worked out. My DH used to come some times with me but often would find it boring, it probably was at times but they were only short visits and I wanted the time to catch up with family. We all get on well and he seems to like my family.
Over the last few years I have noticed my DH seems to be trying to avoid going over, and finding ways for me to not go. We have kids now so I fully agree with him it is really tricky, we can’t just stop by. But I haven’t been at all this year, I pointed this out and he said it probably won’t work for Christmas either as our kid just started school. so he agreed we probably need to go sooner. But he is avoiding anyway to go to my old family home, to the point he has actually booked us to go to Belfast ( I live in the Republic and Belfast is a 4 hr drive) for family to come visit us. He says the other option is we go to Dublin and family to come to us, he doesn’t want the kids to get bored in my family home. I suggested some shorter trips which could work and some day trips while we are there. He still isn’t interested. I also suggested going on my own with 1 or 2 kids but quite rightly he has suggested it’s a family visit and they will want to see all 3 kids so someone will miss out.

AIBU to suggest tough feeling bored for a day or 2, it’s my time with my family ( he sees his all the time!) he’s not 12!! You do these things for family even if it is boring.

no comments on him being controlling etc etc please as per the usual MN comments I see!! It’s not like that.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 29/08/2025 11:37

Why not just take all 3 kids on your own, to your family home, and leave him behind? That’s what I would do

and to be petty I would stop going to his family events and moan about them to see how he likes it

Myjobisridiculous · 29/08/2025 11:37

Why don’t you just go alone then!! If he’s civil when they come to you all is good.
Youll have a better time without him moping around. Just tell your family he couldn’t get time off or something.

TealSapphire · 29/08/2025 11:38

He's dictating who goes and when, and even booked something that works for him and no one else, but no he's not controlling 🙄

HardworkSendHelp · 29/08/2025 11:38

That is weird OP. I honestly would battle through taking the three kids and going on my own. It is such a short flight. Or jump on the ferry with the kids. I would plan the trips well in advance. We travel from Ireland to the UK at least once a year to see husband’s family.

crossstitchingnana · 29/08/2025 11:39

I see my family 4-5 times a year and my DH manages one of them. It works for us, I would not want to spend lots of time with his family either!

Bigsislookingforadvice · 29/08/2025 11:43

As a child we went to Ireland every year to see grandparents/ cousins etc. It probably was hard for our parents (3 of us) but we had a blast, the freedom and fresh air you can't get here. You need to put your foot down a bit, its your home and your children's history.
If you drive, throw everything in the car and get the ferry - the journey is part of the holiday.

As adults now, we call it home as much as here, we travel back and forth independently for visits, weddings etc.
It's a bit late for your husband to become anti Irish having 3 half Irish children 🇮🇪

EaglesSwim · 29/08/2025 11:46

I get on fine with my in-laws but I don't have any real desire to spend time with them.

DP and I tend to exclusively see our own families solo with kids except special occasions.

Original poster
OnetwoThree123456 · 29/08/2025 12:18

Vaxtable · 29/08/2025 11:37

Why not just take all 3 kids on your own, to your family home, and leave him behind? That’s what I would do

and to be petty I would stop going to his family events and moan about them to see how he likes it

I can’t because they are all under 4 including a baby, I don’t have enough hands to manage.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 29/08/2025 12:19

OnetwoThree123456 · 29/08/2025 12:18

I can’t because they are all under 4 including a baby, I don’t have enough hands to manage.

Show quote history

Why not go for a few days by yourself and take the baby? Surely your husband can manage the two kids alone for a few days?

ColinOfficeTrolley · 29/08/2025 12:33

Just go on your own. He'll have to like it or lump it, the pig headed prick.

Checkard · 29/08/2025 12:38

What do you want to hear if you don't want the reality that he is controlling?

3 children under 4 means you can be very stuck.
As for them being bored?
Ridiculous.

I think you would be very wise to keep your family close.
No doubt they have their worries about you.

He sees his family all the time and you haven't seen yours this year???

Ok😬

blimeydarling · 29/08/2025 12:42

My mother took us from London to rural Ireland in the 60s when we were small kids. Dad stayed at work. It was train, ferry, train, bus. Each way. Nowadays it will be much quicker and easier. Just take the kids yourself, they will have fun anyway, being on a trip with you.

Starlight7080 · 29/08/2025 12:44

Thats really sad. If they are under 4 they will be fine anywhere. They dont get bored in the same way as teens do. This is all about your dh.
Your poor family. Its mad you cant go see them . I dont get why he gets to pick. Tell him to take a book.
And not being funny but with so many kids under 4 how does he have time to get bored ?

Weekmindedfool · 29/08/2025 12:47

crossstitchingnana · 29/08/2025 11:39

I see my family 4-5 times a year and my DH manages one of them. It works for us, I would not want to spend lots of time with his family either!

Exactly

Rightandwrong · 29/08/2025 12:49

I don't understand this " boredom" reason.

As pp said with 3 such young children to look after and entertain how could he be bored?
" Trying to avoid" going to visit your family sounds as though there is something else going on and the " boredom" is just his excuse.

Checkard · 29/08/2025 12:53

A good man would travel over with you and the children and head back himself, let you have a decent break with your family.

He would come back to collect you.

That' what a decent man would do.
I bet your family know it too.

Handbook of abusive men....isolate her from family and friends.

Can you ask a family member to come over and help you go?
Bet he would have a problem with that too....they always do.

mindutopia · 29/08/2025 12:54

Just go visit your family. I find visits with my in laws incredibly tedious. It’s a lot of (a) sitting around the table making small talk about nothing or sometimes going for a walk, or alternatively (b) everyone sitting around the table getting drunk, eventually someone starts crying about some trauma. It’s both boring and intense. As much as possible, Dh goes to visit him with the dc on his own. They even went and met up with family for 3 days camping this summer. Fab for them and fab for me.

I am not close to my family, but I think Dh has only visited them with me twice in 17 years. They also live abroad (further than Ireland though).

Go, enjoy some time with them and your dc. Your Dh can go sometimes (every so many trips), but otherwise just go.

Truetoself · 29/08/2025 12:59

People are ridiculous! You are a family unit and you want to your nuclear family to be a part of the wider family which means you need to meet each other regularly. He knew this when he married you. Tough luck about being bored. How would he like it if you had the same attitude towards his family?
mumsnet if you don’t know already , the reason why a lot of marriages in traditionally family oriented countries go the distance is not becase the couple puts up with whatever life throws at them or don’t have a choice - it is because of the family support with housing, childrearing, financial etc

Momstermash94 · 29/08/2025 13:00

100% not acceptable. I am Irish currently living in the UK and all my family are in Ireland. I moved under similar circumstances as you. He needs to accept that being married to you means accepting your heritage and the fact that your family are in a different country which means that travelling to see them every now and then is part of the package deal of being with you, even if that means its not a trip full of excitement or a "holiday". I'm sure visiting his family isn't always jam packed with fun. It's just a family visit but you happen to have to do yours in chunks whereas he has the luxury of being able to pop in to visit his family but you don't get to do that. His children are literally half Irish, they need to embrace that side of their family and culture too and it's not just about what he wants.
Also take it from me, I used to only travel home twice a year and my dad died somewhat suddenly last year, don't live with the regret of rarely seeing your family because they aren't around forever.

Star81 · 29/08/2025 13:14

OnetwoThree123456 · 29/08/2025 12:18

I can’t because they are all under 4 including a baby, I don’t have enough hands to manage.

Show quote history

I’ve travelled with 3 under 4 to Spain to visit family . Honestly the thought of it is worse than the reality. Just do it.

Fruitsherbert · 29/08/2025 13:14

I can see both sides here. I used to hate having to visit dh's dad, but did it out of duty. Don't think I'd have managed it if it actually had to stay over.
Equally, I think my family are bloody great, but I wouldn't expect dh to spend loads of time with them if he couldn't bear them. As it is, he does the big events, but I do the chatty/ taking the kids to visit stuff.

NachoChip · 29/08/2025 14:10

I'm sorry to say he is being incredibly selfish.

I think you should agree a reasonable number of visits a year are non-negotiable as a family. They are his family too when he married you, and he should be happy to sacrifice a few weekends a year to enable you all to stay connected to "your side" of the family, you won't have them forever. Over and above that, any visits you want to make additionally are for you to work out but that magic number he should suck it up and paint a smile on his face. That's what being a parent and spouse means sometimes.

I don't think you should back down on this one OP and I think you need to start asking questions as to why he won't support his wife and children to see their family, why he doesn't consider them his own family, why he is not prepared to make any kind of compromise etc.

dottydaily · 29/08/2025 14:21

could you get accommodation near your family home, that would provide space for your DH and give you all the time you need with family - maybe more one on one time with your family as DH could look after the children. My DH wont stay in my family home so i have looked into alternative accommodation, more expensive yes - but everyone happy, and i actually prefer it this way now.

BettysRoasties · 29/08/2025 14:27

I mean you can’t make him go so you either go alone or take all the children with you.

I couldn’t stomach holidaying with my in-laws at their home for days at a time multiple times a year.

Dh and the children could go and I’d tag along maybe once a year.

Often you do see on here recommended to meat half way and holiday somewhere else so what his done say Belfast or Dublin really isn’t that out there.

Anonomoso · 29/08/2025 15:44

He just doesn't want to visit your family.

There's plenty of women on here that don't want to and will not visit or have/want their relatives visit them, they're told they shouldn't have to...so no difference there.

It's for you to try and make it work by taking 3 kids, even if they are under 4 and showing your DH that he may not want to go but you do and shall be going.

Do you drive over to Ireland yourself or travel by different means?

Ireland isn't a million miles away could a relative come over to help stay a day or so then you go back with them.

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