DH avoiding seeing my family

[OnetwoThree123456]

So my family live in Ireland where I grew up, moved to UK for uni. I’m not a home bird as such but I used to go home like 4-6 times per year or family would come see me instead, whichever way it worked out. My DH used to come some times with me but often would find it boring, it probably was at times but they were only short visits and I wanted the time to catch up with family. We all get on well and he seems to like my family.
Over the last few years I have noticed my DH seems to be trying to avoid going over, and finding ways for me to not go. We have kids now so I fully agree with him it is really tricky, we can’t just stop by. But I haven’t been at all this year, I pointed this out and he said it probably won’t work for Christmas either as our kid just started school. so he agreed we probably need to go sooner. But he is avoiding anyway to go to my old family home, to the point he has actually booked us to go to Belfast ( I live in the Republic and Belfast is a 4 hr drive) for family to come visit us. He says the other option is we go to Dublin and family to come to us, he doesn’t want the kids to get bored in my family home. I suggested some shorter trips which could work and some day trips while we are there. He still isn’t interested. I also suggested going on my own with 1 or 2 kids but quite rightly he has suggested it’s a family visit and they will want to see all 3 kids so someone will miss out.

AIBU to suggest tough feeling bored for a day or 2, it’s my time with my family ( he sees his all the time!) he’s not 12!! You do these things for family even if it is boring.

no comments on him being controlling etc etc please as per the usual MN comments I see!! It’s not like that.

We usually fly. It’s a lot of faff for a family member to come over beforehand, my brothers work, my DF isn’t the fittest and it would be too exhausting for my DM.
Of course I could go by myself but the thought of it exhausts me, I have just spent the whole summer holidays sole parenting so I don’t have the energy for that right now. I’m keen for school and preschool to restart so I can breathe again! I love my kids but I am just very tired atm as I’m up a few times a night.
The option of going with one or 2 kids is also possible but I would just feel bad for the 1 or 2 left behind. Does anyone do this? Mum guilt comes in here but also my family want to see all 3 kids and it is important for all 3 of them to see their family too.
Im stuck.
This has all come up now as my parents are coming over for the weekend, my DH wants me to tell them that we won’t be going for Christmas but we can meet them in either Dublin or Belfast in October… wtf!!!! I’m just fed up as I have to put up with so much from his family, of course I do complain (minor) but I wouldn’t ever stop him from doing what he needs to do. He just came back from Berlin where he had 4 days of bonding and exploring time with his father without kids…..

You seem to be looking for reasons to agree with your husband. I used to take my kids over single handed to the uk from France. Way longer journey and it was never an issue. I probably only went 3x a year and as they got older I’d take the ponies too and stay for 3 weeks. You’re being wet. But that’s not what you want to hear.

Most people are aware of when the school holidays are...arrangements could have been made prior.
Flights to Ireland aren't necessarily expensive, I've know train travel in the UK to cost more.

If I wanted to see my Grandchildren that much I'd have flown over a week or so into the holidays and taken you and the DC back for a few weeks yes, travelling can be exhausting but it wasn't long haul or a daily occurance, unless I was in really poor health I'd have made it work.

I'd have then asked my DH to fly over and help with the DC coming home.

Do your parents come over often for the weekend? Could they come again sometime near half term and then you could fly back with them?

@Anonomoso Yea well done you! Ponies and all, I didn’t mention the costs never said that was a problem. I also never said we had a problem planning holidays. We have already booked our 2026 holidays so we are pretty swept up with all that.

You know you can’t travel abroad without the fathers consent which I do not have. I actually want his help but he clearly doesnt want to see my family.

DHs family are 4 hours away. There was an expectation that I should go with him every time he visited. I had to push back. I did not need to spend that much time with his parents and yes it was boring! Giving up my annual leave to watch tv in someone’s house. They weren’t my parents.
You might find it tricky now but every year with the kids will get easier to travel alone with them so you should just look forward to doing it easily alone.

Thank you every one for your comments I have a general plan now.

Has he had the three of them on his own? I'd go home on my own for a few days and then see about someone flying over to help you in October. If he objects to you taking the three of them because they'd be bored then I'd be worried about your relationship. He wasn't worried about them being bored when you solo parented when he went on his jolly.

If you can’t manage it with all of the children flying, then can you get the ferry?

He’s not worried about them being bored, they can play with a cardboard box and be happy. It’s more the location of where I used to live there isn’t a whole lot to do. He obviously likes some my family enough to invite them on holidays (this Summer) etc.

It probably isn't his thing, and you don't have to go en masse. Just take all 3 kids with you, and leave him in peace at home. Or take one different child each time, which will be fun for the kids and make them feel a bit special.

Your partner is being selfish and putting his needs and wants first. It's as simple as that. I'm with you too OP, I wouldn't want to travel with 3 under 4. He should want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I don't always want to see my in-laws and vice versa with my husband but we make the effort because that's what families do.

Snotty...

So now he's not giving you permission...
Yes I know you need permission..
BUT
Not once did you mention that in any of your posts..

Clap trap about not enough hands...

I'm surprised he doesn't send you on your way and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Waiting....
This post has been deleted...because although the OP can give out being sparky OP doesn't like the reply.

You need to read things a bit better.
Just one of those trolls trying to get comebacks.
I hope you have a lovely weekend 😃

I'm sure I will do.

@OnetwoThree123456 why dont you just put them all in car and drive. it would be easier than trying to get through an airport.

Actually your husband does sound controlling. He sounds a knob.

4 days away with his father while you parent 3 under 4 alone?...yep, sounds about right.
Keep them exhausted and broken.

4-5 times a year is way too much!

When we lived in the UK I would go 3 times a year to my home country, DH would come once. When I had DD I would take her on my own once or twice a year. In the trips with DH present we would stay in a holiday let as staying in a relatives home would get old really fast. Much better to have some more freedom.

Now we live in my country we aim to go back once a year, we used to stay with PILs but now stay in hotels, with DD staying with PILs. Now I like PILs but would rather not stay in their home for days on end.

Having been on both sides, it's very different for the person that is not travelling to their family home.

I used to find staying with dh's family frustrating.
He was on holiday.
He wanted to catch up with them.
He found it relaxing as he was "home".

and I was a visitor, chasing round after the kids, as I did at home, only without their toys, in a non-childproofed house ( and when I suggested moving a couple of things to make it safer got told no), to their times, with nowhere near to take them out easily.
it was not relaxing.

As someone whose family lived abroad - I don’t blame your DH in the slightest. Family visits like this are boring as hell when you’re an outsider. I found them dull enough and they were my family 🤣

Either go alone without the kids or go with them
and leave DH at home. Both are perfectly possible options.

You know you can’t travel abroad without the fathers consent which I do not have.

What do you mean?

Is he fine when your family visits your place? Is it genuinely that he is bored? With, the idea of going to Dublin/Belfast is the plan for your family to get a hotel there and you hang out with them while he goes to swe the city?

As for Christmas, would this mena you'd go to his family or that you would be home as a family?

While I don't think he has to come every time, if you're going dor a weekend. It would be polite to do the trip occationally.

Take one of the kids in turn every few months and Dublin once a year as a family.

The thing is, it’s your family, where you’re comfortable just hanging out and catching up. Your husband is just not comfortable, he’s bored and can’t escape as there’s nothing to do. Dublin is a good compromise.

You know you can’t travel abroad without the fathers consent which I do not have.

What do you mean you don't have his consent? He doesn't want to go or he is stopping you from going?

If you actually said you would spend two weeks of summer holidays there would he stop you?