Husband's aggressive behaviour when he's hung over

[pinknailvarnish1]

What would you make of this? Me and DH were out for dinner last night. Lots of wine was consumed and a nice night was had by all. I went to bed around 10pm, he flopped into bed at 530am, after falling asleep downstairs.

I was up at 630am this morning for work (I work from home). DH surfaced at 9.15am, and seemed quite jovial.

He then spotted my jacket hanging up, that he knows has a broken zip. It would be easy to mend with pliers, as the zip just needs putting back into the loop and closing the gap with pliers. He gets a hammer and says he will do it that way. I ask him not to, as I think that would smash it and maybe break it (this is a good Barbour jacket). He ignores me, and does it anyway. Quelle Surprise, he's smashed it so hard, the zipper is now welded to the zip - not fixable.

After wrangling with it for 10 minutes, he loses his shit, throws the tools he's using back into the draw, knocks a lamp in the process and breaks it, storms around saying that he's sick of being the fucking bad guy and tells me that I talk to him like shit. He then storms off to another part of the house, and I'm left sitting here upset. I hardly replied, when I could have gone crazy at him breaking my jacket, but I'm trying to avoid a row.

For context, yesterday I posted a parcel for him, went and bought his favourite wine, plus a terry's chocolate orange, then I took him out for dinner in a fancy restaurant. And now, this is the treatment I get this morning. He's now in a huff and apparently I am the bad guy, and I am the reason he's in a mood, because I asked him to fix my jacket - I didn't ask him at all.

I feel SO unappreciated.

THIS!!!

My exh is a lot like this, OP. Not specifically hangover related, but certainly stress-induced. If he was worried about money in any way (clue: almost all the time) he was particularly unbearable.

Whether you leave or not (yet), please do some reading about emotional abuse. That is exactly what this is and the hangover/worry about money/whatever excuse is a red herring and simply a hook for him to hang it on so you continue to put up with it.

It's bullshit! Every non-abusive adult in the world manages not to become abusive even in a particular situation. It's really easy to be nice and normal when everything's going your way - the test of a personality and indeed a relationship is whether you can be feeling like shit/under stress/hungover/disagreeing, and still not resort to abuse.

IF it's genuinely only ever after drinking, the bare minimum is that he stops completely. I don't believe for one second that is the case - or that he would do that even if it was.

My advice is to start reading more about it (Lundy Bancroft is a great start) and really understand the cycle of abuse so you can recognise it when it happens, it takes the sting out.

Stop turning yourself inside out to avoid him behaving like a twat. You could be the proverbial frog in boiling water very easily here. I have been there and I'd give anything to go back, raise my standards and self-esteem, and tell him to fuck off. I hope you can do that. 💐💐💐

Does he have repressed resentment? Are you the higher earner? It sounds like he hates himself and is projecting

Oh tell him to fuck off out of your house and shove his special dinner up his male arse. Then get divorced before you're too old and worn down to realise it.

this ^

From your post here, the way it reads and sounds. Is that you’ve backed down now that he has apologised. Like you’ve stated yourself it’s a cycle, yes an abusive one.
Do you mind me asking what is it that you are not ready to leave yet.