Husband's aggressive behaviour when he's hung over

[pinknailvarnish1]

What would you make of this? Me and DH were out for dinner last night. Lots of wine was consumed and a nice night was had by all. I went to bed around 10pm, he flopped into bed at 530am, after falling asleep downstairs.

I was up at 630am this morning for work (I work from home). DH surfaced at 9.15am, and seemed quite jovial.

He then spotted my jacket hanging up, that he knows has a broken zip. It would be easy to mend with pliers, as the zip just needs putting back into the loop and closing the gap with pliers. He gets a hammer and says he will do it that way. I ask him not to, as I think that would smash it and maybe break it (this is a good Barbour jacket). He ignores me, and does it anyway. Quelle Surprise, he's smashed it so hard, the zipper is now welded to the zip - not fixable.

After wrangling with it for 10 minutes, he loses his shit, throws the tools he's using back into the draw, knocks a lamp in the process and breaks it, storms around saying that he's sick of being the fucking bad guy and tells me that I talk to him like shit. He then storms off to another part of the house, and I'm left sitting here upset. I hardly replied, when I could have gone crazy at him breaking my jacket, but I'm trying to avoid a row.

For context, yesterday I posted a parcel for him, went and bought his favourite wine, plus a terry's chocolate orange, then I took him out for dinner in a fancy restaurant. And now, this is the treatment I get this morning. He's now in a huff and apparently I am the bad guy, and I am the reason he's in a mood, because I asked him to fix my jacket - I didn't ask him at all.

I feel SO unappreciated.

Do you have kids OP? DO you own the house. If I was you I would very, very discreetly ne looking to leave. You will ne much happier and hopefully one day meet a kind man.

I truly don't believe this is purely hangover-related: he's a common-or-garden nasty bastard.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I didn't ever behave like this!

I had one of these. I left, and found a man who only drinks 1 beer a month and has never raised his voice at me. Life is so peaceful now.

LTB!!!!

Well he sounds like a pig and if this is an ongoing pattern of behaviour, I'd leave him. You don't have to put up with being spoken to like that. Having a hangover isn't an excuse for being an arsehole.

Well, he has just apparently had a total re-think, and has apologised profusely. Has said ALL the right things. This is how the cycle goes. He is now away to Tesco's to get all the ingredients that he needs to cook me a special meal tonight. Gah!

To answer PP, we do not have kids together - mine are adults and have left home already. House is mine. We do not have any enmeshed finances. I'm not ready to LTB yet, but my goodness, it's so draining when he's like this. Bear in mind, we were BOTH drinking, and I somehow managed to get up at 6.30am for work and not be a Bellend.

This is not acceptable behaviour from someone who loves you and you don't deserve this.

Would also recommend Lundy Bancroft books, might provide some insight into the 'why' your partner keeps doing this sort of thing, and see the pattern.

I hear you may not be ready to leave him yet, but it doesn't hurt to discreetly look at your options here. Free first consultation with a solicitor to start with, just to gather some info and see what leaving/ having him out entails. If there's one thing that I've learned hanging on here, is how long a separation or divorce actually takes. Just to highlight that you leaving him won't be/ doesn't need to be a rushed, brash decision, but I'd start making plans to protect yourself, you're finances, your lifestyle now. Good luck OP x

Bloody hell.
I wouldn’t expect to be treated like this by someone who doesn’t like me, let along someone who apparently does.

He’s acting like a spoilt child because he’s tired and teasy.
How attractive 🙄

Obviously you’re not ready to hear this but he doesn’t actually like you very much.
These are his true feelings and they nice guy act is literally him acting.

Let me guess, he’s moved in with you and he’d have a lot more to lose from if you were to break up.

I can guarantee this will get worse.

You don’t have to break up with him but you also don’t have to have such a knob living in your house. I suspect he is using the age old abuse tactic of switching between treating you horribly and OOT lovely. The lovely version you sometimes see is not the real him, the version who has contempt for you is.

Bear in mind please, if you are married the house may not be "yours" now depending upon the length of the marriage. Please seek legal advice.

Does this only happen with hangovers? If so the simple solution is he stops drinking. If it's not the chances of him changing are slim to none.

This is abusive.

Please think about doing The Freedom Programme. You can do it online or sometimes there will be one running nearby. If not, ask your local domestic abuse charity if they run any similar courses. There are many women like you on these courses, who get advised to do one because others can recognise the cycle of abuse and they cannot.

You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home. This behaviour he is exhibiting is NOT love. He is telling you what he actually thinks of you.

Hi OP you are getting a lot of posters telling you this is how their ex acted. It was how my ex acted too and I didn’t appreciate how draining it was until I LTB.
This nonsense leaves you doubting yourself and second guessing. Waste of time and emotion.

So many men are illogical, irrational and completely controlled by their emotions. He is unable to take accountability for his actions which is why he is blaming you.

This won’t get any better.

You know you don't have to participate in his "special meal" thing, right? His big display of how great a DH he is and how he can magically erase his vile behaviour by giving you a masterchef performance.

Well fuck that.

Frankly I'd be checking myself into a nice hotel for the weekend and keeping as far from him as humanly possible while I rethink the future of the relationship.

This is awful, OP. I’m so sorry.

Like some others on this thread, my ex was like this with a hangover (and also some other times). There was definitely a brain chemistry thing going on, but they have to want to fix it and your H sounds miles from that.

Exh has stopped drinking now, ten years, another partner and two more kids later, but I couldn’t have borne another ten years to make it happen!

You don’t deserve to be shouted at and abused because he failed to fix a zip that you’d asked him not to fix.

Think about it this way - what would your employ think about you being abused and reduced to tears in what, today, is your workplace (WFH). You literally don’t have a safe place to WFH and today are unable to do your job. What would they say if they knew that, whilst you are meant to be working, a big angry man is coming in and shouting at you?

It’s just no acceptable.

He obviously thinks that nice behaviour means that shitty behaviour never happened
Hopefully you don't OP

He has had a ‘total rethink’ based on the fact that he NEEDS you, as you are the person keeping a roof over his ungrateful head.

It doesn’t sound like this is the first time this has happened and it won’t be the last. He either has the ability to moderate his anger or not. Only you can decide this. The total lack of respect he showed to you and the contempt with which he spoke is disgraceful. If you are not ready to call time on the relationship, would you be willing to suggest he leave for a few days to consider whether he wants to be in the relationship. Hopefully it may shock him into assessing his own behaviour and taking steps to address it.

And when you have the 'special meal' tonight, you'll have to play nice and pretend this morning didn't happen... if you're anything other than grateful and forgiving, that will be wrong too... even if you're still hurt and churned up inside, you'll have to plaster on that smile. Am I right?

The 'niceness', too, is controlling - putting on an act and 'saying the right things', so you have to be 'grateful' for the meal, for the Vinted jacket... walking on eggshells till the next blow up, wondering how you have to act to keep him sweet, making yourself smaller...

You're so right, it's draining! It sucks your energy and will and joie de vivre, it ruins your health and peace of mind... I would definitely be thinking about how it would be to leave... I bet you feel a glimmer of relief at the idea...

Wishing you strength and clarity. 🤗

Clearly he’s embarrassed by his own stupid actions re the zip and it has dented his fragile little ego hence he lashed out horribly because he’s one of those pricks who can’t just acknowledge when he’s made an error.

anyway if you really want to stay with him then clearly he has to quit drinking for good. But are you honestly saying that this behaviour only surfaces when he’s hung over? Are you sure there aren’t any other red flags that you’ve overlooked? Because I bet there are.

Took me nearly 3 years to leave mine. It’s so hard because you get trained into being at fault and needing to make amends every time (because he’s so lovely, right, why would such a lovely man be pushed into such vile behaviour? Your awfulness is the only possible answer) and you just second guess yourself constantly.

if you aren’t yet ready to call time, @pinknailvarnish1 , at least keep this thread as a record that you can look back at and support your memory of what actually happened.

You are married so if you split, the house would likely be considered half his…

He sounds dreadful.

He sounds horrific and clearly, this isn’t the first time he’s been aggressive and abusive.

You aren’t ready to leave yet, but are you ready to set some very clear boundaries?
“DH, as much as I love you, I will not tolerate the way you behaved this morning. Your making dinner does not excuse or hide the fact that you were abusive, aggressive and vile. If you want to continue in a relationship with me, you will seek help, in the form of therapy, to help you to manage your outbursts. I expect you to have an appointment booked in the next two weeks. If you do not do that, I will not continue to be married to you”.
For what it’s worth, my now DH had some fairly fucking awful outbursts in the early days of our relationship. I wasn’t having it. Told him to sort his shit or fuck right off. He sorted his shit. People can absolutely change, if they want to. But if he doesn’t want to? Get out.

He lives in your house and speaks to and treats you like shit? At the very least he should want to stop drinking if a night out makes him this way. However I suspect it’s not the alcohol and this is just him, the drink gives him an excuse to abuse you so you think it’s the drink and not that he is an abusive prick