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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law kissed all the kids bye but not my daughter, really upset

27 replies

Zaina89 · 28/08/2025 21:14

Had a family gathering tonight, my in laws are Pakistani,

I have 3 kids 9 ( 10 next week) 8 and 22 months.

my mother in law has never really “liked” my daughter, often calls and asks about my other 2 children but always leaves my eldest daughter out.

wont go into detail but you can probably gather about how she treats my daughter by what I’m about to say,

tonight we had a family gathering, all 6 grandkids where there, she kissed each grandchild good bye but blanked my daughter and didn’t give her a kiss. I looked at my daughter and my daughter looked at me and she asked me after why she was the only one her grandmother didn’t kiss bye. My daughter notices a lot recently that she doesn’t care much for her.

im really worried soon my daughter will end up with some kind of depression from the way her grandmother leaves her out, she’s the most beautiful, intelligent little girl and that’s what she is a little girl yet for some reason my mother in law really,really dislikes her

OP posts:
Original poster
Zaina89 · 28/08/2025 21:14

I’m crying upstairs and I feel like me and my husband are about to have a huge argument as this is the tip of the iceberg

OP posts:
nameobsessed · 28/08/2025 21:17

I’m sorry you’re both going through this, I hope it goes smoothly with your husband. It’s totally reasonable to expect your children to be treated equally.

I don’t really have any helpful advice just stay strong and don’t let it be dismissed.

Deap · 28/08/2025 21:20

My mother is German and cruel like this. It’s because she favours boys. My sister and I also decided there was jealousy, which I know sounds insane… sometimes parents are just nasty. protect your daughter and tell her how wonderful she is.

CatsorDogsrule · 28/08/2025 21:23

Is there a reason why she singles out your daughter? Was she disappointed that you didn't have a son first? Does she not look like her son, so she thinks there was infidelity? Etc.

I am in no way condoning her abhorrent behaviour, just trying to get a little insight.

I wish you and your children well, your MIL is behaving appallingly.

DaisyChain505 · 28/08/2025 21:24

Is your eldest daughter her actual blood Grandchild or is she your child from a previous relationship?

Mixingitup · 28/08/2025 21:25

My mother in law is Pakistani and absolutely dotes on my eldest daughter she is clearly the favourite but I can see how much she tries to treat all of her grandkids the same regardless (I have another two younger boys and she has another 4 grandkids). She'd be mortified if she thought the kids realised.
This isn't a cultural thing. This is a mother in law thing.

PinkiOcelot · 28/08/2025 21:26

She wouldn’t be seeing any of my kids. Full stop.

My MIL sly comments over the years has really affected one of my daughters. Don’t let her do the same to yours.

BreadInCaptivity · 28/08/2025 21:27

Is your daughter the only female grandchild?

Why would this provoke a row with your husband?

If he is any sort of father at all he should be protecting his daughter from his mother.

My response would be swift and simple.

She does not get to interact with any of your children.

He actions are cruel and if you and your husband enable her then you will cause profound emotional damage to your child - not just because of how she was treated by grandma but because her parents refused to protect her from that emotional abuse (and it is abuse).

Also don’t think favoured siblings will come out unscathed if you don’t act. In time they to will question why you exposed their sibling to this and know in their hearts that in a different situation they won’t have your support either if it’s on the too hard pile to give.

Original poster
Zaina89 · 28/08/2025 21:28

CatsorDogsrule · 28/08/2025 21:23

Is there a reason why she singles out your daughter? Was she disappointed that you didn't have a son first? Does she not look like her son, so she thinks there was infidelity? Etc.

I am in no way condoning her abhorrent behaviour, just trying to get a little insight.

I wish you and your children well, your MIL is behaving appallingly.

I had girl,boy, girl. Her other grandchildren ( my sister in laws kids, 2 boys and a girl) are also treated very well.
she treats my son and 2nd daughter ok although she does tell me a lot I had the “perfect” family before I went and had a 3rd baby, saying that though she cares more about her than my daughter.

my daughter is actually the spitting image of her, my husband and husbands sister ( they all look very similar) and out of all 3 of my children she is the spitting image of the 3 of them so it’s just crazy to me. She’s literally the double of my husbands sister.

the thing with my daughter, she’s 9 but very mature, she speaks her mind, doesn’t really like the Pakistani culture, doesn’t work around the house ( I make my son and daughter both do chores and mil thinks it’s my eldest dds job to be doing these chores)

she is constantly talking to me about dd, calls her “fat” ( she’s not she’s now starting to going through puberty for gods sake and her body is changing) calls her lazy, says I need to get her to do house work ( dd helps me ALOT with the baby and with home things) maybe all of these things contribute to why she doesn’t like dd, I just know it hurts the way dd keeps looking at me asking why she doesn’t love her.

OP posts:
Thebigonesgetaway · 28/08/2025 21:28

What has she said when you or your husband discuss it with her?

Original poster
Zaina89 · 28/08/2025 21:29

DaisyChain505 · 28/08/2025 21:24

Is your eldest daughter her actual blood Grandchild or is she your child from a previous relationship?

She is her blood grandchild, she is her son’s first born. Not to mention, she is the spitting image of mil in and my husbands sister. Yet she seems to dislike her so badly

OP posts:
caringcarer · 28/08/2025 21:31

I'd be blanking a mil who treated any of my DC like that for no reason.

lazyarse123 · 28/08/2025 21:32

I would keep her away, your poor dd. If dh objects he'd be gone too.

BlueMum16 · 28/08/2025 21:32

What does your DH say?

SparklingXmas · 28/08/2025 21:33

Stay away from her - she sounds awful, jealous and just horrible. your husband needs to take your side.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/08/2025 21:34

Either call her out on her behaviour or don’t see her and she doesn’t see any of your 3 kids

BreadInCaptivity · 28/08/2025 21:34

Ok so she wants your DD to conform to outdated cultural misogynistic norms and this is punishment because she (and you and your DH) are not enforcing this.

So your only option is to cut contact.

Your DD is not a whipping girl for her sensibilities.

CreepyCoupe · 28/08/2025 21:36

I’d be keeping her away from that horrible woman. No one should be treating her this way.

DashboardConfession · 28/08/2025 21:36

Was she the eldest daughter herself by any chance? Who got all the household crap lumped on her due to "tradition"?

smallpinecone · 28/08/2025 21:44

What an awful woman, to treat a child this way 😢

I’d remove myself from the equation. No phone calls, no visits with the children, nothing - I’d expect my DH to talk to her and tell her that her behaviour is wrong and hurtful. If he’s not willing to do it - not my problem, she’s his mother. I wouldn’t argue with her. Leave it for him to sort out.

She then has a choice: behave decently and treat all the children nicely, or she doesn’t play a part in their lives. I just wouldn’t tolerate it. No one would treat my child that way and expect any meaningful contact with them.

Itiswhysofew · 28/08/2025 21:49

This happened in DPs family.

His DN, a lovely girl, now woman, has always been treated with contempt by his DM, her GM. I used to be shocked by how she treated her.

It was never challenged or resolved. Her own DM didn't intervene which I think is cowardly. We think it's because she reminds GM of DNieces' DF, who left for OW, who GM hates.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 28/08/2025 22:07

My MIL wouldn't be seeing any of my children if she was talking about 1 like that and treating them so poorly.

WTF is your husband not speaking up for your daughter? WTH is wrong with him?

Heronwatcher · 28/08/2025 22:13

Keep all your kids away from her. If she asks be honest why.

Easipeelerie · 28/08/2025 22:17

Zaina89 · 28/08/2025 21:28

I had girl,boy, girl. Her other grandchildren ( my sister in laws kids, 2 boys and a girl) are also treated very well.
she treats my son and 2nd daughter ok although she does tell me a lot I had the “perfect” family before I went and had a 3rd baby, saying that though she cares more about her than my daughter.

my daughter is actually the spitting image of her, my husband and husbands sister ( they all look very similar) and out of all 3 of my children she is the spitting image of the 3 of them so it’s just crazy to me. She’s literally the double of my husbands sister.

the thing with my daughter, she’s 9 but very mature, she speaks her mind, doesn’t really like the Pakistani culture, doesn’t work around the house ( I make my son and daughter both do chores and mil thinks it’s my eldest dds job to be doing these chores)

she is constantly talking to me about dd, calls her “fat” ( she’s not she’s now starting to going through puberty for gods sake and her body is changing) calls her lazy, says I need to get her to do house work ( dd helps me ALOT with the baby and with home things) maybe all of these things contribute to why she doesn’t like dd, I just know it hurts the way dd keeps looking at me asking why she doesn’t love her.

Show quote history

I don’t think your daughter should be around her as her behaviour towards her will be damaging. Are you able to kelp her away from this woman?

Original poster
Zaina89 · 29/08/2025 19:28

Thank you to everyone who’s replied.

think tonight I need to have a serious talk with my husband as saying/ doing things to me is one thing but doing it to my child is another,

I had the dentist today and mil turned up when husband was home with the kids, my daughter has just said to me herself ( I didn’t ask) that when she came into the house she kissed her brother and little sister but again looked at her and didn’t bother with her.

its not on and I can’t be accepting this. Husband is very close with his mother and a mummy’s boy so whenever I say anything negative it always ends in an argument and he’s very touchy about her. 🙄

I did speak to him last night and he said he didn’t see her do it but he will watch her, I simply asked him do you not trust what I’m saying? He said oh I do but I need to see it.

well I guess he hasn’t seen her doing it again today either, I won’t be accepting this.

OP posts: