How do I stop my children from killing each other?

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2 girls 7 and 9 absolute chalk and cheese and spend all day squabbling, arguing and physically fighting.
Both girls are lovely on their own but together they just don’t get along, never really have but things seem to be going from bad to worse and summer holidays have just exasperated it.
They have to share a room too which makes things worse but as it’s social housing and they are both girls we can’t do much about that.

Is there anyway they could have their own room? Own space?

What is the configuration of your house occupancy and rooms?

Who has the biggest bedroom?

You need to look at everything, and think hard about what triggers it, what specifically they each do, what you do in response and what wider factors there are.

So can you give more info about how what exactly is happening?

Can you separate the room at all.dividing wall maybe. Try to give attention to each one separately. It's very hard.siblings fight and poor parents get the bt
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I agree with what verycloakanddaggers said., look for their triggers and check your response.

Going forward, try and find what both girls enjoy doing and do these for a short time (preferably before things get heated) . If it gets heated break up the activities.

Find a space, different rooms but not the bedroom for them to go and cool down. It's got to be away from each other and yourself.

I’ve had the same issue. Separating them up seems to be the solution but of course when you’re a single parent, it pretty difficult.

i bet they get on better when alone and nobody sees?

They will not actually kill each other.

i used to order mine into separate rooms - so one in the living room and one in the bedroom.

actual physical fighting had serious consequences.

I arranged by boys room so they couldn't see each other when in bed and got those ikea beds that are you can have either way up - either a high bed with space underneath, or a low bed with a frame over it, and then we draped a blanket over put curtains round (they changed which way up they had them a few times) so that they each had their own space in the room.

Then I was just very shouty firm that when the bickering started, they were to stay away from each other, not talk and not touch each other.

Seems to have worked, they've made it to early teens and both still alive/nothing major broken

I think you need to find some way to give them some personal space - can their room not be divided at all, even with a curtain or by using furniture?

if It gets fighty we do a reset where everyone sits in a separate room. Two DC share a bedroom so one of them goes in the lounge. Adults also get a separate room each (one has to go in the kitchen, small house!) to get our head space back.

We also have the curtains on the Ikea Kura beds so people can get some space/ privacy

We’ve had a summer of bickering- 2 tweens, opposite sex. I have no words of wisdom.
yesterday I arranged for DS to do an activity instead of come to the swimming complex with dd and I. Dd spent the entire evening in tears because she doesn’t want to go swimming without her brother……after 8 weeks of arguing. My brain wants to explode.

i also wondered yesterday while they were ‘playing’ ‘let’s push each other off the pavement into the road’ how more siblings don’t accidentally kill or seriously injure each other!

Some siblings are just like that.
I know two sisters who were like that. Like cat and dog and it was relentless.
They got close when the older one got knocked up at 21 to a sailor but then fell out years later over the mother's house, when the mother died.
They're non contact now, which seems to be natural order of things, when it comes to them.

There’s a good book, Siblings Without Rivalry, which has some strategies for this type of thing. Can you use a room divider or Kallax units or something to split their room so they each have their own space?

We have two double rooms and a single.
2 parents in one of the doubles
2 girls share the other double
1 boy in single
one small lounge and no dining room so no way of separating them.

We currently have bunk beds at their request to give them a bit more floor space.
Though they very rarely spend time in their room, other than to sleep.

Is one double bigger? Could you split that with one of the Ikea type hacks?

What expectations do you have of their behaviour?

My mum would have described me and my sister the way you do. In reality she was allowed to run wild, ruin my stuff, take over the small space I had and it was very very hard living with her. It has taken over 30 years for us to have a good relationship which we do now.

My mum did nothing to mediate, assist and set boundaries. Being so close in age they need some guidance and to understand the consequences of their behaviour.

All kids scrap. My grandsons are 5 and 7, and whilst they do play together nicely, sometimes it gets a bit fraught. So my daughter in law has set some rules. They have to earn stars for good behaviour to get privileges like screen time. Misbehaviour, especially fighting results in no stars. It does seem to work for them.

What do you do to help them manage their own feelings? Find healthy outlets for those feelings? See things from the other's perspective?

Do they have opportunities to work together on things where their individual strengths are recognised?

Basically, they need your help to learn how to treat each other kindly and with respect. There need to be clear consequences for poor behaviour. They need to recognise when the other is irritating them and take responsibility for managing their own feelings around this and responding appropriately eg by going into a different room rather than taking it out on each other.

Are they bored? Are they doing this for 'sport' - just for something to do?

Basically, you need to teach them. They need to learn to take responsibility for themselves but they can't do that on their own. And they need time and space to themselves. Have you spoken to them separately and mediated between them? Do you understand what their frustrations are? Do they feel heard and understood? By you? By the other?

They might never become the best of friends but they do need to be kind and respectful to each other. For their sakes. Even if the root cause is that they are just very different personalities, they're not happy are they?

Me and my siblings (4 of us) used to kill each other. It was largely because none of us got a break from each other and it used to be so hard living in each others pockets.
Imagine having to live with someone you didn't choose to live with, you are stuck with them 24/7, they take your things, get in your space, are loud, it feels like they pick on you etc. It would drive you mad too.

When I was a kid I absolutely craved time alone with my parents, I very rarely (if ever?) got it. Everything was always with the siblings. Which I get, its hard for parents to divide their time especially amongst 4 but I do really think it would have made a difference to our sibling relationships when we were kids and made us feel less anger at each other. If you can, try to give them some space and time apart from eachother, make each child respect the personal space of the other and allow them to have things that are just their own, not everything has to be shared. Also try to take each one out on their own sometimes and have a bit of 1:1. Its hard to always be fighting for your parents attention and being suffocated by the presence of siblings at every given second.

I think this hit home a lot, my girls are always asking if they can spend time with me, I will take one food shopping once a week while the other plays with dad and then vice versa the next week.
The eldest goes to bed later and we will have that time so I spend time with my youngest in the morning while eldest sleeps in etc but it’s hard because they are both so much better behaved when I have them on their own and dad says the same.
We also have a boy and they both think the world of him, it’s just each other.
I think there’s a degree of jealousy or rivalry.

The older one is a lot bigger but quiet and introverted and the younger one is much smaller but more fiery and extroverted. I think the younger one just wants the older ones attention but she’d rather read alone or do something creative by herself.

Three daughters here. We NEVER got involved. Never favoured one over another. We would holler 'is there blood?' and it would fizzle out.
They're adults now and still close, them don't argue.
I think any parental involvement fans the flames as they're getting a reaction. Remove the reaction and they give up trying.

I think this is a great idea. It doesnt even have to be anything special or a "fun" day out. Sometimes even just a car ride where it was just us felt so special because I didn't have to share my mom/dad in that moment. Grocery shopping would have been totally fine by me, it gives them a breather away from each other too. I only have one and shes only a baby but I can totally imagine balancing multiple kids and try give each one time on their own must be really hard, I just remember how desperately I needed that time with my mom or dad where it was just me and rarely got it. Fingers crossed it gets easier for you soon, FWIW my siblings and I got on alot better once we became adults

Thats pretty much exactly how me & my younger sister were. We’re really close as adults but for most of our childhood I was happily doing stuff in my room while she’d have liked to play with me more, but I wasn’t interested.

On the few occasions when we had to share a room on holiday, sparks flew & I remember being deeply jealous of our brother who always got to sleep separately.

We started getting on once I was at university & nowadays we go on holiday together.

I think if we’d had to share a room as kids I’d have gone looking for my own space wherever I could find it, especially once I was old enough to go out alone.