Stopping contact until mediation?

[Bee9328]

Hi guys!

I've posted a few times on here in regards to my ex husband and our child. We spilt nearly 2 years ago as he was mentally and emotionally abusive.

Since we have split I have tried constantly for him to see our child, trying to set up regular days, overnights, honestly anything you can think of I have tried and he's just in and out of our child's life as he pleases and will often go 4 weeks without seeing them, ignoring my messages etc it's just so stressful.

So he is meant to see our child only once a week on a Sunday 10-3 which he's hardly been doing but yesterday he messaged me to say he wants to this week.

I message back and say ok but it's been 6 weeks since DC has seen him or been at his house so can we do 10-1, my child also has additional needs and last time they were there 6 weeks ago had a huge meltdown to the point of hyperventilating as again it had been 4 weeks at that point that he'd not seen her. Personally think this is a fair request!

Ex husband flies of the handle at this, giving me all the abuse under the sun, how unfair I am to cut his time etc, I'm. Jealous etc, ironic when any other time he's happy to act like they don't exist

Anyway he kept on and on and in the end I said if he's not happy we will stop contact until he arranges mediation/court as this is so totally unfair to our child all the time and also to me as I just don't know where I stand

Is this unreasonable? My child never asks for him but it does make me feel guilty for stopping the contact even though I know deep down it's for the best as he never takes them anywhere or does anything with them when he does decide to see them.

If he does go ahead with this next step I'm guessing it will be frowned upon for stopping the contact? But I am at my witts end and it's really getting to me now. I have about a year's worth of diary/ screenshots of his inconsistant behavior also!

I recall your other threads

you were wanting to go to court as you thought they’d force him to see his child

and we all told you - no that would never happen. Thankfully.

Stop trying to force your lovely child on someone who is disinterested. Yes, we know you want a break but surely not at the expense of your child’s happiness

If he wants to see his child, say that he just go through court and for an arrangement to be court ordered

He won’t bother

I honestly don't even want a break! I love having my child it's just I feel bad for them not having that father relationship even if he is awful!

I’d understand if the father was decent

but engage brain op - you are forcing a relationship with someone who is not only singularly disinterested but also - appalling. Why why why do you want to object your child to him

Do you receive CMS?

A shitty, uninterested father is not better than no father at all.

It really really isn't

I have sorted that recently and will be having my first payment shortly but as he dosent work it's nothing really!

What if he is asking to see our child though? Even if he's awful its just a very hard situation

How old is your child?

and from your op it’s more you relentlessly chasing him rather than him contacting you

Does he have a home? Live alone?

He isn't adding anything but stress to your dc's life. Let him convince a judge he is worthy of access. Mediation isn't advised when abuse was present in the relationship
.

My DC is 4 and no I don't chase him anymore and he will ask sometimes as he has this week to see them it's just it's been 6 weeks!! He dosent get it or dosent want to understand the impact he's having, hence why ive now said contact will be stopped but part of me just thinks is that morally right I guess?

Yes he has his own home and lives alone, 15 minutes from us. He can drive also

So….

”our son will be available on this day and this time. See you then”

you do NOT tell your son until you have had confirmation on the morning or night before that it’s still on

I've been doing this for over a year and it's just constant let down, my DC dosent know but I do obviously hence why I say I'd had enough now

I've been doing this for over a year and it's just constant let down, my DC dosent know but I do obviously hence why I say I'd had enough now

Well it would be reckless to refuse to engage op and would not be looked upon favourably

Go. To. Court. And get an arrangement sorted. If he doesn’t turn up, he doesn’t turn up. But he doesn’t then get to ask for extras or different times etc

You don’t want to go to court do you? If I recall thread correctly

If I'm completely honest I don't want to take him to court as ive said I don't think he is good for our child anyway!

This is why Ive asked him to take me and I'm not sure if he will or not tbh but I would go if he did!

Well if you don’t want to go to court (for bizarre and nonsensical reasons) then…. Don’t send him pleading messages
suggest time
if he doesn’t turn up, he doesn’t turn up. Only you will be disappointed not your son as you are not going to tell him.

not much you can do if you’re going to stick heels
in about court, which makes no sense!

No I don't mind going to court but I certainly won't be the one starting that off when he's the one who's messing us around.

Does he have a suitable home to have your son overnight anyway?

But you don’t seem to understand… it is in your interests!!!

If hes the one who wants to prove he wants to see our child then he should be the one to sort that. I've done all I can on my end and Im not starting the upheaval of court for him still to not show up and see DC even when it's all over.

That's how I see it anyway

Look court isn't going to make him be consistent with the child so even if he did take you to court and they said "Every Sunday 10-1" that wouldn't necessarily happen and then your child is still in the same position. What I would advise you to do rather than stop contact completely is say "Ex-h the agreement between us is that you would see our child every Sunday 10am-3pm, unfortunately you have not been consistent in seeing our child and have gone weeks at a time without seeing them which has been your choice the latest gap being 6 weeks, before that was 4 weeks (so of almost 3 months worth of weekends you have seen them once). This is starting to have a emotional impact on our child, hence why they had a meltdown the last time they saw you. As our childs mother I cannot sit by and allow this to happen as it is not in our childs best interests. I would like to ask you to prove to our child that you can be a consistent part of their life so they can feel more secure. I would like you to call them every Sunday at 10am for a period of 8 weeks to start with so that our child can get used to you being in their life again, then progressing to in person visits 10-12 for 8 weeks, building up to every Sunday 10-1.30 and then 10-3 again" at least then you'll be able to show court that you are supporting contact and have a clear plan to how it should progress. Better than leaving it all up to them.

Head. Wall. Bang.

You don’t want chopping and changing and
court will put In an arrangement. And if he fails to turn up one week, he can’t then push through another day or time. It just rolls over to the next one.

So you get the certainty, which is what you want