Stopping contact until mediation?

[Bee9328]

Hi guys!

I've posted a few times on here in regards to my ex husband and our child. We spilt nearly 2 years ago as he was mentally and emotionally abusive.

Since we have split I have tried constantly for him to see our child, trying to set up regular days, overnights, honestly anything you can think of I have tried and he's just in and out of our child's life as he pleases and will often go 4 weeks without seeing them, ignoring my messages etc it's just so stressful.

So he is meant to see our child only once a week on a Sunday 10-3 which he's hardly been doing but yesterday he messaged me to say he wants to this week.

I message back and say ok but it's been 6 weeks since DC has seen him or been at his house so can we do 10-1, my child also has additional needs and last time they were there 6 weeks ago had a huge meltdown to the point of hyperventilating as again it had been 4 weeks at that point that he'd not seen her. Personally think this is a fair request!

Ex husband flies of the handle at this, giving me all the abuse under the sun, how unfair I am to cut his time etc, I'm. Jealous etc, ironic when any other time he's happy to act like they don't exist

Anyway he kept on and on and in the end I said if he's not happy we will stop contact until he arranges mediation/court as this is so totally unfair to our child all the time and also to me as I just don't know where I stand

Is this unreasonable? My child never asks for him but it does make me feel guilty for stopping the contact even though I know deep down it's for the best as he never takes them anywhere or does anything with them when he does decide to see them.

If he does go ahead with this next step I'm guessing it will be frowned upon for stopping the contact? But I am at my witts end and it's really getting to me now. I have about a year's worth of diary/ screenshots of his inconsistant behavior also!

In my experience with my ex-hubby, I have learned to set very clear boundaries on what I will accept (or not) based on what I think is right for my child (and as primary care giver I am comfortable with making that decision). He rants and raves but that is a reaction to the boundaries I have set (or anyone setting boundaries at all). It is not because of his desire to see his child, so I've just learned to develop a tough hide on that, and move on.

I spoke extensively to therapists at the time I was dealing with something similar, and I was told that consistency and predictability in relation to contact times is key for children (and for you). If your ex cannot offer that, you need to enforce that or limit contact.

Good luck with setting your boundaries and enforcing them. You and your child deserve better, I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

I did explain all this to him the last time my child had a meltdown there that this was down to his inconsistantancy and then the week after did not see them again!!

Honestly I have tried absolutely everything with him!

That was after "promising he will do better" and "be there"

Other than the most obvious…. Court

Court will set the arrangements

you won’t suddenly face him wanting you to drop everything because you’ll know when he’s supposed to turn up, and if he doesn’t…. He misses out.

if he doesn’t work, does he even have suitable accommodation for his son?

Yes he has a house but our child has never stayed there as hes never wanted them there, I have asked!

He's on benefits.

Does he live alone? How does he live…. Disability benefits?

I don’t get why you want your son to have a relationship with someone who very very clearly isn’t bothered about him

Yes he lives alone and I'm not sure what benefits he claims.

Well I don't really hence why Ive now stopped it until he sorts out Ethier mediation or court.
Just can't help also feeling that not the right to do so even after all the times he's been awful and abusive to me and ceary dosent care about his child but would think that's a normal way to think anyway in such a stressful situation

Well this is going to be your life then OP

and he’s 100% reliant on be edits but managing to live in a property alone, pay bills etc. I suspect he’s got a girlfriend and fits meeting his son around when he’s not seeing her

Yes he has a girlfriend who lives around 2 hours away and he's up there most weeks.

I've been here. I would keep the times and the day consistent at all costs. And then if he doesn't see him, that's his thing, don't worry about it. You can't control what he decides to do. I wouldn't bother with mediation here. If you can have a third party for there for support during visitation handovers do. Control needs to be kept over the situation for you and your kids sake and you will probably need support for that. Keep a log of things that stand out and mention them to your solicitor or go to police if needed. Get everything on a legal footing and communicate through solicitors for now